The times I almost died

The following was written during a schizophrenic episode so the writing might seem peculiar but the accounts are real.

Accuracy to the following may not be certain-these r “free writing” thought based personal life recollections

I’m aware that my current state and intel are of a value asserted towards a cause that does require personal sacrifices in duty. Considered now in a state of deployment- accepted.

Temporary unpaid assignment also understood for risk to clearance. Protocols of proper arrangement due to logistics is understood. All is understood. Hurry up and wait. I remain waiting.

Input in this journal has been a forefront to mission duty delayed for dependency. I’m looking forward to a sandwich from the exchange. That is my top priority : chow

1. Birth. Removed from Mother for a length of time from what she recalled to me by spoken word “mean Korean nurse. She was so mean to me and treated me like I did something wrong after you were born” this has always been a curiosity to me. I had a dissection in my neck from what my parents have told me reason was, “a lodging stuck in my airway that prevented me from breathing” therefore an emergency procedure took place to remove it. I’m not in denial that this is accurate information however there is something about the nature of the matter that reflects a death to me

A pause is needed

2. 96 - 99 not sure what year. Was driving a vehicle off Rucker blvd onto what i think today is county rd 1. Not sure why or where I was going cannot remember. I remember rainy weather and hydroplaning and for some reason when I think about this day now what sticks to the forefront of my memory is one wet dry leaf. I will draw it. The way I remember this was seeing this leaf on the middle of road in front of me hydroplaning to the left-hand side of the road and somehow miraculously return the vehicle back to the safe path of the road as if some other hand took control over me. I clearly remember thinking to myself after that moment God just save my life. But for some reason when I think of this memory now it is so painful as if there was also a death involved. Transcribing these memories are so painful for me it’s as if I can feel death upon me it self. This message is for you know who you are this is not the right time thank you.

3. This memory is actually a good death memory barbers point Beach for some reason I walk down the end of the beach by myself and found an enclave into the lava rock where I laid down and looked into the sky And had a moment of euphoria that for some reason I have a call now as a taste of

heaven. I had one other similar experience like this in Hawaii but not nearly as euphoric but it was a live concert called something like the brown paper bag Show or series or something like that and I remember looking up at the sky to my left And feeling that feeling again. These are the only two moments in my entire life where I felt this. There is something in Hawaii called Ohana which means the spirit of the island and one time when I flew back to Hawaii to attend a wedding I began crying because my soul instinctively knew I had missed home or away so much and now my daughter is obsessed about going to Hawaii and I can’t explain why because she’s never been there before and I don’t really talk about why to her so how and why is she’s so obsessed aboutGoing to Hawaii I can’t explain it

3. Above Schofield barracks there is a road that goes up mountain turn on the other end down below is military Acacian rental beach houses I cannot remember the name of this look out point but I was by myself one day and rode my bicycle Up the road and before I reached the peak where I think it goes back down for some reason I turned my bike I think off the left-hand side to a trail where I believe actually I know I was walking Nolla

And not walking I’m not riding my bike anymore so what the hell happened to my bike why would I stash a bike and start walking like that must’ve been only like maybe 12 years old that’s not normal behavior I clearly remember I was walking and somehow I don’t remember the trail but I remember coming into clearing on the Cliff that was round in the grass was perfectly flat and green like a picture from a book that was absolutely unbelievable and I looked out over the cliff at the sea and I somehow disappeared from anything after that and I also remember trying to go back there and never being able to find it again it’s such a mystery to me The birds today outside my window are making a lot of paradise sounds it’s almost like they’re talking to me There’s a lot of different variety of the bird sounds outside my window today which tells me that there’s a lot of different species making the sounds they are not only close to my window but also a distance I could hear caw caw cawing There’s more things I’m remembering right now says it’s very uncomfortable so I don’t wanna talk about it