I'm sitting here inside on a sunny day wondering where my emotions went. You see, I'm an addict and I'm also bipolar with ADHD so there is a lot going on in my life in the pharmaceutical department.
I also crush Wellbutrin and snort them throughout the day. First I lick the blue coating off (which is fairly easy to do) then I lay the pill on a counter and crush it with a back of a spoon. I crush it by sort of gyrating the spoon around like a mortar effect so that it crushes down into a fine powder. I then proceed to use the bottom of my toothpaste counter to cut two lines of it. Two messy lines because deep down I hate the stuff yet I do it anyways.
The two lines are for each nostril; one goes up the left and one goes up the right. I made a little straw out of printer paper I keep in my bathroom drawer so that it's always handy. I also threw a few pills in there at a time so those are convenient when I need them I also.
The effect of snorting Wellbutrin is like drinking a cup of coffee for a few minutes with a burn in the face that stings like hell. My parents always think I'm sick because I'm constantly blowing my nose when I take the Wellbutrin. I have low dopamine so I hate doing things. I just snorted one right before I wrote this blog.
At night there are no more mundane activities to do and so I'm prepared to immediately go to bed. This is when I pop 3 Ativan and close my eyes until they open again the next morning. The days repeat themselves... another mundane day of drugs and tasks. What sort of tasks you may be wondering? Like putting memes up on facebook or playing Brawl Stars on my iphone for petty cash. It's obvious by now I don't have a job. I DID have a job, a pretty decent job at a cafe but my Mother made me quit due to the Coronavirus. Now I'm stuck at home this summer doing nothing but pharmaceuticals and not getting a high from it either.
I do have cigarettes but the Wellbutrin makes them taste strange. It's the equivalent of smoke a dry stick you just taste the fire and get no relief or rush from it.
I've ruined my life with drugs. I started partying hard when I was 18 in the 90's rave scene. Back then X was combined with all kinds of hard drugs (still is probably) so I really have no idea what the hell I was taking but I know I did things that may have permanently altered my brain. I remember partying too hard one night and coming home trying to go to bed and I would close my eyes and still see the people I was with earlier. They were talking and I could hear them, it was if video footage was live in my brain. I remember panicking a little that I couldn't make it stop and was worried I might stay that way forever.
The world is mundane and everything is evil! Drugs make you think like that it sort of "wakes you up" to the rat race and says, "hey rat, this race isn't so fun huh?" and then suddenly things like jobs seem like slavery, etc. I used to never think so DEEPLY about things like that in life until after drugs. Thinking deep was cool in my teens and twenties but now that I'm almost 40, thinking deep is...well, lame.
Feeling kinda lame might crush a pill or make a milkshake.... I don't know.