"You are beautiful"
"Really? "
"Ofcourse not! "
"- _ -"
_________
First day of school, I passed by at the back because it's embarrassing to go through the front but don't expect that you'll not get the attention of everyone knowing that you belong in block section...besides everyone knows me.
"Hailey over here!"
"Sis, come with us "
"No she's coming with us, come here Hailey! "
I look at them while thinking about the biggest decision ever. What group would I choose? Everyone wants to have many friends but one true friend is enough right? I chose the group where I feel welcome. And I chose my previous classmates after others forgot me... but am I welcome?
"Okay guys, no need to worry... Hailey's here "
I smiled at them, my humble side just turned on. Anyway I already know what they are referring to. And again, I'm ignoring the real meaning of why so many groups calling my name.
Circle of friends is not literally a kind of group because you know they only choose what they talk like 'choose your favorite friend game' and I hate that part because I never wins.
"Hailey! Can I? I also don't have someone to talk with " Krisha said.
I approached her as we started talking about her crush... the most famous topic of all. I erased the fact that she had no choice to talk to me because little conversation with her made me realize that it was a good decision to choose them.
________
"How's your day? "
" Very fine! "
"Then go and grab your phone, have some conversations with them"
"Why would I? "
"Don't lose them again"
________
Week had passed and now I wake up because my phone keeps on ringing. My friend is calling... and her name is Andi. Sometimes someone just called my number which I don't use it anymore. Coz nowadays it's more on social media that's why I'm inactive when it comes to texts.
"Hi Ley! don't forget to come here early I have something to ask you about our lessons"
"Yes, I will"
"Steph will be there too! She couldn't understand the geometry"
"You can actually invite the group for us to have group study "I suggest.
"You're right, okay I'll call them. Bye see you in school"
To clarify things I'm not a nerd nor am I as attentive as women with beauty and brains as others look like they are the most perfect woman in the world. I'm just a simple person, a student who's striving to reach my goal in life. I'm more focused on academics and a grade conscious... too dramatic but I've never been so good at home. I almost tried different kinds of hobbies but I easily get bored of it. That's why I don't have any special skills/talents when it comes to outdoor activities. I don't really need that as long as I'm satisfied for being Bibliophile, because I do believe the more books I read the more knowledge I'll gain.
Seeing their serious faces and listening posture is such an honor for me. I'm glad to help because that's what friends are for and the more I get closer to them, the more I will care about them. Too passionate for friendship right?. It was a choice and not an accident. It was my first bonding with them by the way.
______
"Honestly speaking they make friends with you because of your intelligence, nothing more"
"C'mon wake up! Come to your senses now! they knew from the start that they're just using you because you can help them get higher grades”
" Yeah... right "
-
"I got 50! thank you very much! Uhmm by the way I have party tonight and I want you to come okay? " Andi said.
"What? Uhmm but I have no friend to come with me"
"Am I not your friend? We're friends right? and I'm sure my friends will like you as well"
She's not included in the group of friends which I recently hanged out nor did I enter her circle of friends. Only Andi is my close and since she listened to my stories, ahe became special in my life. I'm too easy to get along with because I don't expect someone to be perfect coz I'm into honesty about their feelings towards me. I accepted her invitation because I care about what is important to her as my friend.
"Just stay there and have fun ok? I'll just talk to my other guests "
"Sure"
I was left at the corner, observing the place and the people which I can tell that they really enjoyed the party. I think Andi is a friendly person coz she has many guests. Now I wonder why we became friends for that short period of time. I suddenly think of her intention, "Does she really a real friend?" I asked myself I know I shouldn't think of things like that but I can't blame myself for doubting her because I've been through with this before. And I don't want to happen it again.
I smiled when I saw my other classmates and of course they saw me too. The way they wave their hands on me is like we're in a formal celebration. It was very different on how they hug each other. I hoped they would come to the place where I sitted but no, they didn't come I was disappointed that time because I assumed they will join me but they never did. After I ate and said goodbye to Andi, I decided to go home.
___________
"Am I always be the one who will approach first? I'm tired of chasing them"
"What if they didn't really like me? "
"It depends on you, if you want them to know you...do some effortd and let them accept you for who you are "
" Yeah... right "
__________
"Finally you're here Hailey you look so serious, is there something bothering you?" Krisha said.
"Don't be so serious, I can now see your wrinkles forming hahahaha"
I better set that as a compliment from them. Even deep inside there are words that are already penetrating. Do you know the saying "Watch your words? " Sometimes we are so insensitive of throwing words to others without knowing they might get offended. Words are very powerful that's why we need to control it so if you have something to say please say it as nice as possible."
"I really don't know you felt that way, I'm so sorry Ley"
"It's okay, your apology is accepted. All of us commits mistakes nobody's perfect and I hope we all learn from those mistakes"
"Yeah you're right" Kelly added.
"By the way Ley, we're having lunch break at the cafeteria wanna join us?"
"Sure, I would love to"
"Great! So come on in"
"Wait Guys! before we forgot... SELFIE!!! "I stopped when I heard Steph's voice immediately.
Another tip guys please don't interrupt if someone's talking . Because it's very disrespectful and I don't want you guys to practice that kind of behavior.
I'm making no noise, pretending I was not there and looking at them one by one. I really love their smiles. I really like their confessions with hidden love and anger. I list to the idea of ought to feel or say. I'm matured enough to understand it because for me, bitterness is the great barrier to friendship. This is a relationship that will not last forever and I don't want to miss this memories.
_________
"Is it worth the effort of maintaining a friendship? "
" Absolutely! "
"Is it worth it for them? "
"I don't know"
________
"Thanks for being here Hailey, I thought I'll be alone" Stella said
"I'm always here for you"
Being a neutral friend is not easy especially when no one is there for you but you need to stay by their side when no one does. Enjoying the feeling of trusting you, listening to your advices and treating you as their comfort zone but painful to imagine when you are in such a situation. I listen to the passionate words of my friends but who would listen to mine?
Before I experienced being alone, when I have problems I don't have someone to talk to. That's why I'm trying my best to reach out one of them coz I know it's not easy to cry alone.
I wanted to share my true feelings but can they handle that kind of intense honesty from me?
A words that full of ranting, raving, doubtts and fears. Do they care about it?
I'm tired of being an exes baggage of their life. I'm tired of re-introducing as if I'm going back to the beginning... I'm tired of bearing testimonies. It happens every year and I'm tired of it. I just want someone to talk to, someone who will listen and someone who really cares. I don't want to be left behind... I don't wanna....
_______
"Am I being an attention seeker here? "
"No, it was just a desire"
"I'm alone again"
"I'm still here and I love you"
"Yeah... thank you "
________
Is it my fault to be left behind?
I did all the right thing... because of love and not out of duty. I never changed myself, I just changed my attitude towards what I do. I act accordingly to their best interest... I understands them. The closer I follow them, the deeper our friendship becomes deepee but at its depth I'm drowning alone as each of them floats holding together and if there is any choice I know they will answer 'All of the above, except me'
Revealing my feeling is the first step to healing and sometimes I just wanted to be heard. I forgive but I never forget... because I treasured all the memories of my lost friends.
The snow keeps falling down as I ignored the reflection of mine on the window. I know how to be happy with what I have because if I don't, I will never be happy.
I have myself...
I wish I had a friend like me.
