I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.'
“They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.”
“I’m too drunk to taste this chicken.”
“A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: ‘Duh.'”
“Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, ‘Jesus! This cup is expensive!'”
“Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.”
“If you can’t live without me, why aren’t you dead already?
“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”
“Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.”
“Education is learning what you didn’t even know you didn’t know.”
“It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person’s plate.”
“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.”
“I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.”
“Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.”
“The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.”
“A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.”
“Biologically speaking, if something bites you it’s more likely to be female.