I celebrate my Christmas with a little bit sadness due to the pandemic. I was alone and I cannot go to my family to tell them how much they mean to me. I did not prepare myself a food because I don't feel like celebrating, honestly this is the saddest Christmas for me ever. To be away from your family is the worst feeling ever. I cannot visit them because I am far away and I have to keep myself accompanied by my own. I need to deal with the sadness inside the four walls I am facing and pretend like it was just a normal day without them but honestly it gets harder in this situation. I feel like I am abandoned and betrayed even though I am not. I just want to be with them but how could I. There were times I cried because the sadness and silence is too much and I cannot believe this is how my year would end.
I watched television and movies to entertain myself and knock away my thoughts from being lonely and alone but as the days passed I'm getting bored of switching movies and I feel like I have no life and just facing the screen watching people build memories. It's very lonely for me, 2020 is what I never expected. I claimed this year to be my year but it became worst without me knowing it. I took the old photos in my drawer where I kept and I cannot imagined how happy the memories behind the photos are. Such good old days I had before that I wonder if I can still experience them.
I was told by my grandma that I am stronger person and I do not easily give up when I was young. The other children stopped because they cannot create their miniature while me I keep rebuilding my own miniature because I simply believe that I can see them standing still. And that was the day my Grandma convinced me that I am strong girl.
But I'm sorry Grandma, I am wrong. You are wrong. Look at me now cannot handle the silence and loneliness inside. I wish I can be a child anymore, that even my knees bleed in the ground I still keep on running but now, I don't. I cannot accept the reality of life and be with it. I wish I'm a child forever where life seems to be peaceful and wonderful. Way back, I always wanted to grow up easily and had my own bills to pay but hell, I was blind not to know it. I had a memorable childhood that I always wanted to live again but I know I can't anymore. It's impossible in this life. It's really impossible. I am trapped with the reality and there is no escape from this. This is what real life now and yet I cannot afford to face it. She always told me that I am independent and capable of building my own things unlike the other girl at my age who always seems to depend from their brothers, sisters, parents or any guardians to look and fix for them.
Oh please, why we need to get older and feel detached from family and our childhood. I felt so lonely about this. I felt so lonely about growing up having responsibilities to face in your life. I felt so lonely having tried to settling down for a life. I felt so lonely that I am not like the other people who immediately digest and accept the process. I want to live a happy life but 2020 seems tough and I really learned a lot of lesson even I was just inside. I admit I had overthink this quarantine and I am hurting myself by my own thought. I feel like I am twisting every inch of me from the painful things I keep reminding myself of. I know you can say it's my fault to think like these but I'm sorry I have no one to talked so I am getting paranoid by my own thoughts. My dreams getting blurry and far away and I feel like life has fallen and I am laying in the ground with no hope. Till when can I see the sunshine I always wanted to see from darkness. I don't want darkness to be my friend for a long time.