Only The Beginning

I have friends you know? But you won't see them. You can't. Can't even hear them. But they see you and hear you and feel you.

People thought I was weird, lonely, sad and depressed. The girl who's suffering and in pain. Maybe that's because I was.

I am.

Darkness, it’s the only thing I see. Shadows that are always dancing over me, drowning me with their pain and suffering. I can not be happy, I have resigned to the awful fate that weighs on me like the anchor that holds a ship down, trapped in the midst of storms and rain and turbulence. Mother nevers smiles and father never comes home.

Home.

No, not home. Haha. It has no name. The shadows are my only companions. The shadows that dance around me are my demons. The ones who make my life a little bit worth living, the ones that keep me up all night, the ones who want me alive.

In my mind and to these people with whom I shared this building with, I was dead. But death is too easy. It was too easy to wrap that rope around my neck and jump.

Some say to take a knife and put it to your wrist and draw a long deep line, it takes away the pain. No it only makes it stronger and makes you weaker. I am no fool.

It's night time, my favorite time and as I lay here on a bed that once was mine, in a room that was all too familiar and listen, listening to my demons whispering to me, telling me truthful lies I already knew of.

It was them who told me to kill myself and it was that easy.

"Just jump" they had said. And I had.

My mother cried after she had found me dangling outside from this bedroom window, I had tied the rope to the bed post and jumped. I laughed when I heard that loud wailing.

I got tired of sitting and hearing the same sound over and over again. It irritated me. They told me that I'll be alright, that this will end soon.

But nothing ever ends. Her tears were like traces, a permanent reminder of how miserable I had felt just before I jumped. The only friends I have are the voices in my head, the demons under my bed, the shadows on the wall and the darkness that surrounds me. They get louder, more agitated and angry. They are constantly shouting at me, screaming in my ear, I try to drown them out ,but they just seem to swim.

I yell back and shake my head violently, they won't stop, they won't shut up and neither would I. I scream out. I yell at them to stop, but they only laugh. The voices in my head start to chatter.

"Just end it....it's the only way," they whisper, repeating themselves over and over, wanting me to cave in. I feel myself slipping to them, I have to fight them sometimes but I don't want to.

"Shut up! Shut up!! Shut up!!!" I yell.

The darkness is getting closer, surrounding me, suffocating me. I cant breath, I can't think, I can't win, I can’t get rid of my demons. I start to slip into insanity, I can't help it I caved in. I let out one final scream and everything goes quiet, the demons stop but something in me had already snapped.

My mother knocked softly at the door, whispering my name. She still does this, coming to my door and calling my name like I'm still alive. Father says she's slowly going insane.

The voices start back up.

"Get rid of her," they tell me, "she was never there for you, get rid of her and this will end"

I look at the door, my mind is thinking clearly now. I looked down at my hand, beside it lay a butcher knife. I don't remember getting that. Did I leave my room? was it already here? I didn't care, picking it up I made my way to the door, a wicked grin slowly making its way across my face. Inside I was screaming, too eager. My insides were jumping with excitement. I kept moving until I stopped at the door. I opened it.

"Do it...Do it....Do it"

I plunged forward with a terrifying howl and in fright she fell to the floor screaming. I know she can't see me, but she can see the knife hovering in the air. I knew what I was doing, the excitement was driving me crazy. I jab the knife into her stomach, she lets out a blood curling scream. I stab her again this time in the side of her neck. She stopped moving. I stand there and watch her bleed, I start to giggle as I stare at her. I suddenly found myself laughing hysterically.

"I've gone mad." I laughed, slashing the bloodied knife through the air and dancing round the body and that's when I heard it, the tiny voice in the back of my head.

"This is just the beginning."