Unsaid Feelings...

Words that left unsaid are feelings that stays.

My heart is silently crying. Crying for attention. Crying for help. Crying for love. I just hope I have the courage to say what I really feel.

When I was a child I used to watched Disney movies, so in my mind happily ever after is waiting for me when I grow up. But as I grew older, I realized that fairytales were only for children. That in the real world, your prince charming could even be the villain.

Meeting my boyfriend was the very unexpected moment in my life. Like I really feel that happy ever after do exist.

He made feel helpless deep inside. The unfamiliar butterflies in my stomach whenever I am with him. I didn't know that I could be more this happy. I never knew that being in love is the best feeling anyone could ever have. And being loved back is the bests feeling.

They said, nobody's perfect but here you are proving them wrong. From looks and to your attitude. Its perfect. I think I am the luckiest girl on earth.

I didn't asked for anything but he always gave me everything. I haven't told him yet but he have already given what I need. He never forget to say how much he loves me everyday. He never failed to surprise me even with simple gestures. He were always there for me through thick and thin and my ups and downs. He even stay away from his gang and leave his vices just to be with me.

I cant deny that I can see my future with him. There is no room for the pleasure I feel right now because of him. Its like I just want to stop the world from its spinning so we can stay with each other 24/7. I'm so addicted to him.

He promised me everything and I believe in him. I love him so, so much that I give my all to him. My heart, soul and body.

After a year, we decided to live together. My family have opposed our decision but he promised to marry me when you save enough, so they were reassured.

Seems like everything is planned by God for us. Our relationship became even stronger. There's not a day goes by that he doesn't made me feel how much I am well loved by him.

I even questioned God, what have I done in my previous life that he has blessed me with someone like him.

But I did not prepared myself for the deluge in exchange for the happiness I am enjoying right now. I forgot that happiness has a twin called sadness. Yeah, they are right. Change is the only constant in this world.

Everything that he made me feel from the beginning feels like act to me now. How can he gave me everything at first but gave me nothing now. Right now, when I demand something, I received hurtful words in exchange. He knew, I will understand if he wont gave it. From a happy living to a sad living. I don't know what, when, where did I go wrong. He became cold and mean to me. And he has most of his time to his friends and went back also to his vices. It feels like I cant recognize him.

5 years. I knew in myself how much I love him. I love him more than my life. And even more, I wouldn't waste five f*cking years of my life if I wasn't this sure with him.

He suddenly disappeared. Like a shadow when the light came in. He left me suddenly and dumfounded.

Now, I'm completely a mess and devastated. I don't know when, where or how will I start my life again. I just hope he just killed me, in that way, I am no longer feeling this unbearable pain in my chest.

A year has passed and I'm sill not over you. I continue living meaningless. I heard he got his family on his own. While here I am, still stuck in our past.

I have so many questions in my mind. Am I not enough? Am I ugly? Where did I lack? What's wrong with me? Why did he leave me? Why?

One day, in a very unexpected moment, we met again. Same place but not the same feelings anymore. When I looked into his eyes, I already know he is not the one I loved before instead he's a stranger. The first thing that came out of my mouth is "Why?" And my treacherous tears fell.

We sat on the park. I knew in myself that this is what I need, closure. To live a meaningful life and to find myself again. Silence intervene between the two of us. "Why?" I asked as I break into the silence that envelops us.

He looked at me strange fully. But then again, I was hurt because maybe I think I am able to see spark in his eyes like before. Then his stares turned into pity that made me want to cry once again.

Then he said, "I can't change myself. I want you to accept me."

Suddenly, he got me confused. I said, "I don't understand you. I never once told you to change. I accept you no matter what and no matter who you are."

And what he answered made me so mad at myself.

"That's the problem. I feel like I am the one in our relationship. I know you were always there but it seems like there's still something missing. We didn't even fight once. Our relationship was so boring. You're like a robot, that always follow what I always said. I didn't even feel challenged between us. We didn't grow because I feel like I was alone. So I hope you forget about me. Just think that were bored that's why our relationship ended."

I was so dumbfounded with his reasons. B*lls*t! I cursed him because his reasons made me fuming mad.

Realizations struck me. It feels my spirit has awakened because of what he said. And then I just remembered everything.

I caught him flirting before via chat but I said nothing. There were times that you spent the night outside but the I trusted you. Sometimes you came home with a lipstick stain in your collar and even smelled like a feminine perfume when I asked you said nothing. But then I just let it go. I already have a hint that I am not your only woman but I prefer to be quiet. I just thought that maybe its the alcohol that talks that why you'd be able to do those things. I even hate myself but I love you so much, this is what makes me alive.

I realized that if I had been braver, then I would have saved my heart sooner. I hope I had learned to keep love for myself, then I am not this exhaust. I just wish I had never met someone like him.

I just wish I has the courage to tell you how regretful my life was with you.

To everyone reading this, always left love for yourself. Get out if you're in a toxic relationship. Don't settle for less. Always live and love life to the fullest.

Thank you for reading. I hope you like my first entry. God Bless You Always. :)