I Remember

I remember the first day we met, it was far from love at first sight. I remember being so mad at you for messing up our first date, but I was determined to have a good night. I was going to let you by me drinks and take me to the big game. Little did I know, you would become someone that would change everything.

I remember those butterflies. Those were my favorite. They scared me, but excited me all at the same time. I was so completely enamored by you, that I just wanted to know everything that there was about you. It was truly unlike anything I had ever felt.

I remember the feeling I used to get when I would see your name show up on my phone. It was this leap in my chest and my heart wanting to explode. The idea that you wanted to talk to me made me so happy. It’s still a feeling that miss and look for every time I see your name.

I remember your birthday. You don’t think I do, because I didn’t tell you “Happy Birthday” when you texted me that night, but I do. I couldn’t acknowledge it, no matter how much I wanted to. I didn’t want to let you know how much I still cared about you.

I remember the way you used to smell, not in a creepy way. It wasn’t anything significant, and it wasn’t this overwhelmingly delicious boy kind of overpowering feeling that you sometimes get, but God when I catch it now while passing someone on the street, it still makes me go weak at the knees.

I remember this crazy look in your eyes you had every time you looked at me. It was like you were looking into my soul and it made me feel completely unnerved. I had never had someone look at me the way that you did and it still haunts my dreams.

I remember the way that you used to touch me. That feeling I miss the most. Everything about it was intoxicating and it made me feel like I didn’t need anything else in the world. I felt safe. I felt wanted. I felt needed. I felt like that was all I ever really needed.

I remember the night I told you I felt nothing towards you. Lord knows that was a lie. Months later and you can still throw me off with one simple text. Your words still unravel me every time.

I remember the night that someone else kissed me after you were gone and crying the whole way home. He was a good guy, but he wasn’t you. I remember wishing that I could call you and hear your dumb voice one more time. I just remember wishing it was you and how I wish it didn’t go wrong.

But then I remember all of the sleepless nights.

I remember all of the times you called me screaming out of your mind. You blamed the alcohol, but deep down I knew inside, it was more than that. You just didn’t want to take the time to figure out what was really hurting you inside.

I remember all of the times you called me a bitch. You looked down on me every possible way. You tried to make me feel bad about myself and questioned why I continued to stay. You never got it through your head that I was in it for you, no matter how much you hated me.

I remember all of the times you made me feel guilty for my career. You thought I looked down on yours. You made me feel bad for all of the hours and extra responsibility that I took on, because I wanted to be independent. Still making you feel insecure about yours.

I remember the night that ended it all. I remember two shots too many. I remember the darts game that threw you over the edge. I remember the fear I had when you yelled at me. I remember that way you made me take the blame. I remember you not making an effort to want to repair it all. I remember I was so desperate to make you see, we could have made it through it all.

I know that you probably don’t remember half of these things, but I wish you would at least remember that you broke my heart in one crushing night, and you still do every time I see your name pop up on my phone. You may have moved on to someone else and still might not feel like we belong, but you certainly still know how to break me every time you call.