I had never allowed myself to truly recover from a heartbreak until I was 28 years old. I bounced around from relationship to relationship, always fleeing my misery into the arms of a new partner. This worked up until the day the woman I adored abruptly and without warning left my life. I had little choice but to work through my grief and learn how to repair my heart in the months and years that followed her departure.
As is common when going through a traumatic experience, her departure opened the door to all the other pain I'd been avoiding in my life, and as I unraveled and healed the layers of my grief, I discovered the relationship I'd been neglecting all along: the one I have with myself. Loss cracks us open, allowing us to recover, and if we do so deliberately and thoroughly, we will be all the better for it.
But how do you recover consciously when you're in excruciating pain as a result of betrayal, abandonment, or the demise of a dream you've clung to for so long? You've already taken the first step: you're feeling your pain. Although this can seem self-evident when you're still reeling from the shock, it's also very tempting to do whatever you can to avoid feeling it. It's normal to want to go out and get plastered in order to track down someone else. The problem is that this is just a band-aid solution; it doesn't eliminate your pain; it just blocks it.
So, how do you deal with your discomfort? You give in to it. You lay down on the couch and sulk. Feel your sorrow. Feel the dissatisfaction. Feel the terror in your heart. I understand your distress. Don't try to drive it away. Allow the tears to fall and the rage to rage. Whatever you're feeling, let it out – don't keep it bottled up.
The next step is to talk things out, first with friends and family, then with a therapist, and finally with yourself. Fill your journal with everything. Write down what happened and what was said, as well as your sadness, shattered dreams, and fears. Write a letter to the other person expressing your feelings. Tell them all that has gone unspoken. Be as honest as possible, knowing that you will not be sending this message. This is only for you.
Writing facilitates the processing of our emotions in a way that thought alone cannot. Write a letter every day until the pain begins to subside. The next move is to surrender to the predictability of the passing days.
Time does not heal a broken heart, but it does help to minimize the effect of the blast. Take care of yourself. Consider your healing heart to be a fractured bone that needs to be rested as much as possible. Don't put any strain on it. Good eating can help to strengthen the body from the inside out. When you feel powerful enough, discover what the relationship offered you while you begin to process your loss. When we're trapped in frustration or pain, it's difficult to move on, but when you can acknowledge what you learned about yourself during the relationship, it's easier to feel grateful – and appreciation is a sign that better days are on the way. Keep in mind that even if you can only think of one thing, it's a start.
The final move is to rediscover your passion for life. Find out what makes you happy and do them as much as you can. Spend time in nature to feel a sense of belonging to something larger than yourself. Consider praying, meditating, or singing. Keep present in your body by doing gentle exercise. Let yourself be carried away by a cathartic book. Make plans with your bestie for a city holiday. As much as possible, get out into the world. When a relationship ends, we're left feeling adrift with no guarantee of a shared future, so it's time to re-center ourselves on ourselves.
When I worked through my grief, this was the best thing that happened to me. I was able to discover who I was without being determined by others. Even stocking my refrigerator with my favorite foods was exciting. I was able to choose how I spent my time, go to bed when I wanted, and decorate my flat with colors that I liked. Remaking my life on my own terms assisted me in putting my heart back together and filling the void left by his absence. I was reborn as a complete human being. You can as well.
That's a good thing to hear. Keep writing and welcome!