“It's not you, it's me.”
“Maybe it’s not yet the right time for us.”
“I think we're better off as friends.”
“You’re just too good for me.”
Exactly! You are too good, you are perfect as you are, so why settle for less? Oh, I am sorry for interrupting your heartbreaking thoughts. It makes me gigil e. I want to punch that person in the face for breaking such a good heart as yours.
For them, it is just a few lines with a few words, but those lines will linger with you as you ride the subway home, the words that will cause you to doubt your self-worth and feel that no one can ever love you.
The words that kept repeating in your thoughts when you listened to your breakup songs like "All too well," "Come back... Be Here" and "I Almost Do" (hey, Swifties!) and sobbed yourself to sleep.
It's officially Heartbreak Season! Thank you, Taylor Swift and Adele, for being the sad girl autumn of all time. Which makes me wonder, when was the last time I felt heartbroken? I think this calls for a story time. Lol.
My first boyfriend and I broke up when the All Too Well released in 2012. Coincidence? Fate? Beats me. We've been dating for two years. We're happy, everything is perfect (at least for me), yet he wants us to split ways one day. Of course, it hurts. I am both bewildered and devastated; I believed he loved me, yet he left me.
A week later, I saw him at the mall with another girl, whom he identified as "just a friend." He kept her like a secret but I kept him like an oath. (Nakakaiyak 'tong part na 'to ng 10-minute All Too Well eh.). I am so mad at him. I want to slap him in the face, curse him, and confront him and her right there and then, but I don't want to humiliate myself. Besides, we'd already broken up, so I simply stood there staring at them as they walked blissfully like we used to.
Months passed and I still love him. He doesn't update on Facebook, so I don't know what's going on with him; he is never been a fan of social media. I only know he is okay because his mom tells me whenever we meet somewhere. His parents still asking me, how I am doing, maybe that is why I can't move on. I still believe there is yet hope for us. Silly me.
Fate is a traitor sometimes. When I have finally moved on from the person who has hurt me, when my world has finally regained its serenity, a terrible news comes like a storm that will shatter my entire existence.
His mom called me on the day of our midterm exam and asked how I was; I told her it was my exam day, and she said maybe I could go to their house after my exam.Of course, I said yes. Marupok. I am excited, yet I am having an odd feeling. Something isn't quite right.
I was walking down the street near their house when I noticed a tent with several people outside. My chest was pounding, I felt like I was standing there like a statue. When my friends saw me, they hugged me. What exactly is going on? They're saying they're sorry. I am befuddled.
When I saw the tarpaulin outside their house with the words "In loving memory of..." I became dumb. Are these people playing a prank on me? No. I saw his body lying in the casket. What happened? How did this happened? I lost him again. I lost myself again.
My entire existence was further shattered when I discovered that he has Leukemia and he intended to show me that he had someone else so that I would be infuriated with him and only remember him in hatred until the day he died. I really hate myself. Instead of making the most of the time he was still here to make him happy, I didn't even pay him a visit and instead felt a deep hatred for him.
What is the takeaway here? Tell the truth to the person you love even though you know it will hurt them, because they will be affected no matter what you do. They may lose themselves and their will to live if they discover the truth. Better tell them sooner for them to be more receptive to all of this without condemning themselves.
I've already moved on. I am happy, too, but every time I hear that song, it makes me wonder. Is he aware that I am not mad at him? Is he aware that I hate myself because I didn't get the chance to be with him in his last breath? Does he know?
Lead Image via Unsplash
