Catastrophic Monday

I walked across a lonely land throughout a winter storm. I'm hungry, miserable, cold, and ill. I can feel the icy earth beneath my feet. I came upon a dead tree and felt the decaying branches staring at me. Is this the same place we used to love? Is this the place I've been looking for? However, it seems that everything has changed.

Everything in my life seems frozen, as if time has stopped for me, like a broken clock with no numbers or hour hands but a working second hand. Still alive, but not moving. I asked God why he doesn't just let me in and finish everything when I'm hopeless and helpless. He just smiled and let me live.

I used to know the road like the back of my hand, but now I can't see the way, and I'm not sure where to go. I don't know what I want to do with my life. I'm getting tired. They say that childhood trauma may make you stronger, but they're wrong. I am not a hero; I am a survivor. I need to begin somewhere, yet everything looks murky, like my vision without my glasses.

Where have you gone, simple thing? It is exceedingly difficult to find happiness in oneself. Why can't we have everything we want? Why is it so difficult to achieve? Why do we have to give up some precious things to gain what is truly crucial to us? Why can't we just run away from everything as if we're tethered to something? As if it were a dark room at the end of an endless maze.

Then I saw some smoke. Just like a ray of hope for my exhausted soul. I took a step towards it. It's a long road, but I'm seeking for it. I saw a house that I thought I might call home, but it's on fire. I'm trying to put out the fire, but the flames are bursting even more. It smacked me in the chest. It aches so much that I yelled. It's excruciating. I cried out for help, but no one heard me. No one.

It was only then that I realized I was alone. I've been alone for quite some time. I'm looking for things that will make me happy, but it'll only be for a matter of seconds. I was meant to be alone. Forever alone.

But then a miracle happened. My plea seemed to have been heard by the heavens. It went out like a candle extinguished by one's blow, such a wish granted. Without hesitation, I entered as if I were welcome, even though it had previously appeared as if this place was pushing me away.

Despite this, I stayed. I tried to fix things not because I had nowhere else to go or didn't have a choice, but for other reasons. My home is frequently affected by wildfires. Some claim that this house has been hunted, abandoned, and depicted, yet it is my home. This is the only place where I can be myself. This is where I want to spend my time, where I want to rebuild my dreams, where I want to stay till my last breath.