@Kiro 5 September 2021

Dying Hope

As I sat on the cold floor, my back against the wall that had been painted yellow with a thick layer of nicotine by my years of smoking, a tear slid through my cheek. There was nobody to run to. The image of Dr. Miller sitting across me, breaking the tragic news that I am on my last stage of lung cancer keeps playing in my mind. It was only almost a year when I decided to stop smoking. Life is weird. I remember when I started smoking. My first puff was at the back of Ron's Chevy, I was 15 by then and willing to explore things in life. I coughed. I tried again and there it was, a success. At first I started smoking two cigarettes a day for mere fun. I enjoyed watching the smoke come out from my mouth and nose. I wasn't sure if it was the calmness I felt as I blew off the aromatic smoke or it was the void inside that I felt like getting filled in as I destroy my lungs. But the next thing I knew, I could not get rid of it. Eating without taking a cigarette afterwards made me sick. Two sticks turned into one pack. I used to walk into the club with the company of my so-called friends. I would wear my favorite high heel boots matched with a leather jacket I did not return from an ex. Would it even be called my presence if you could not smell cigar in the air? I would glance at the drunk men in disgust. Disgusted at their alcohol addiction and thinking I am a lot better than them for not getting wasted in public. It took several years before I started paying for my addiction. The symptoms started showing off. I told myself, "I wanna die anyways". But as I had said, life is weird. At first, I was not afraid to die because I got nothing to lose. Mom died after giving birth to me. Dad died when I was 20 due to heart attack. I don't have a sibling and I don't know any of my relatives. I don't have a family and friends. *Oh, how lonely this world sounds*. And then I thought, I don't wanna die yet because that's it. That's the point. I got nothing to lose feels like I never achieved anything in my life. I want to have something to lose because that's what makes life life. So I quit smoking. And here I am. Sitting on the floor. Nothing to lose. More dying than my lungs because I shouldn't have hoped in the first place.