I've always love God. His love has always filled my life. I think about my many answered prayers, my current abundance of faith, the sacrifice of his only son that literally saved the world (Superman has nothing on that) yet, I didn't always have faith at least not like I should have. There was a time when I was blind to the light of his promise, a period of several years where I thought I'd always be a slave to a certain horrific habit.
I'd always been an overweight child, but after seeing pictures of myself on my thirteenth birthday, something in me snappe as if I were truly seeing myself for the first time. I was mortified by my bloated fingers, my round face, not to mention I'm tall, which made me feel even larger than what I actually was.
It also didnt help that, ever since I was little, people thought I was older. Sure, when I was eleven, it made me feel grown up and flattered to have people think I was fifteen, but as I aged those gaps increased, until people actually thought I was twenty-six. I knew they meant no harm, but deep down I just wanted to be my aged and be treated like my age instead of the awkward overweight girl in the corner praying for some kind soul to talk to her.
So I lessened and then I blossomed.
Thirty pounds lighter, I was still awkward but I felt pretty. I could fit into little halter dresses, and I actually enjoyed my homeschool dance. I noticed guys actually glancing at me and muttering amongst themselves.
But soon, I started getting crushes, unrequited crushes and my first love, though he never knew tore me to shreds by not loving me back. At fourteen, I thought the awkward overweight girl hadnt left after all. It never occured to me that maybe I was too young for him. That maybe he was just the sweetest guy ever for not taking advantage of an over-imaginative tween girl naive heart.
No, It couldnt have been that ugliness it just had to be plain old fat ugliness.
What little self-esteem Id gained plummeted. I started extreme dieting(even though I never became thin-thin), which eventually led to years of off and on bulimia.
I would go weeks or months without purging but sometimes. I purged several times a week. I feared and dreaded eating because I knew I wouldnt have control over my meals and I weighed myself twice a day. Everytime Id reach for my toothbrush, my hand would tremble, I knew the acid would burn my chest. I knew how badly the tears would sting. I knew my parents would wonder why I was shaking from the cold in july.
But this wasnt the worst part about this disease. The worst part is that unlike anorexia, you cant see bulimia. You dont lose weight. Sometimes you even gain weight from a mess-up metabolism. So its easy suffer in silence.
I couldnt see that I didnt need of admiration of some boy to know I was special that I was special because I was gods creation but eventually, I knew I had to stop this from taking over my life.
Id been watching a pastors sermons on television. Joel osteen, his encouragement was astonishing and it didnt take long to see the message. It was like GOD sent me a letter. He preached onobtaining the desires of ones heart. And specifically mentioned relationships. To this day, everytime I turn the T.V. to that broadcast. The pastor preaches on something so relevant to my life,its beyond irony; I know its none other that Gods grace.
One day, just before I entered my junior year of college, I broke down and prayed like I hadnt prayed in a while. I told God I couldnt handle this anymore, that I needed his help, his guidance and as difficult as it was for me to reach that point, being healed was as easy as a prayer. After that, I went a year without purging I had only one setback.
Now, Im twenty-two and cant remember the last time I purged. I got on track. I eat healthy and I make a conscious effort to keep GOD first in everything I do, because I love him for loving me, for healing me, for always reminding me how special I am in his eyes.
Ive also realized that it doesnt matter what the world thinks. However, ironically, I now get a kick-out of people thinking Im a teen ager -maybe its the blue clip in hairpiece.
And I still hold on to the dream of finding a real, requited love. In the meantime. Im chasing my longtime dream of becoming a New York times best-selling author and picking up my book off a Barnes and Noble shelf.
Life is a lesson without these experiences, I wouldnt be filled with the faith, hope and love my heart now radiates with the belief that I can achieve its desires. I look forward to every new day and wake up thanking GOD for new opportunities to accomplish my dreams. People say believing isnt seeing But I disagree. GODs love is a miracle, I saw him heal me. My favorite Bible verse forever echoes through my mind, 1st Corinthians 13:13 "So now faith, hope and love abide these three; but the greatest of these is Love."
To those of you who are sufferring from the same or similar experiences, I want you to take a good look at yourself in the mirror ;because you are beautiful. Size is irrelevant. Whats relevant is that GOD knows how beautiful you are. He created you and he found his creation good. So if you were not truly a work of beautiful art you wouldnt be able to even stand in front of your mirror because you wouldnt exist.