You are lovable. That is the truth.
As you read those words, it is a normal response to cringe, deny it, or simply disregard them as rubbish.
Many people identify with the belief that they are unlovable. Does that include you?
Whether it be the way you experienced love in the past, the words that you were told as a child, or the way you were conditioned to think about self-love, somewhere along the line, you began to believe that you are not lovable.
We have been born into a world that primarily tells us to believe that loving yourself is conceited, big-headed, shameful, and wrong, especially if you do not look or behave in certain ways.
Be honest, how many times have you or someone close to you thrown insults at another person by highlighting how much they love themselves? It is not so infrequent you hear the words “I just don’t like her; she loves herself way too much.”
To truly be loved, you must love yourself first
It is true what they say.
It is you who sets the standards for yourself. The way that you love yourself reflects how you allow others to treat you too.
When you love yourself conditionally, it means that you only consider yourself to be a lovable person if and when specific criteria are met. It makes sense that you put the same expectation on others when it comes to giving you their love.
Subconsciously, you wind up walking around with the belief you can only be loved if you show up as anyone but your truest self. You will lower your standards, disregard your own values, loosen your boundaries, and put a price on being loved.
The price is high.
In exchange for being loved, you self-sacrifice on so many levels. You do all that is asked of you in relationships, you hide parts of you, you keep quiet, give all your energy, time, money, and happiness.
Not only do these sacrifices totally batter your self-esteem, they eventually lead to resentment as your own needs are left unmet. It is nearly impossible to feel whole when your needs go ignored and you have less and less left in the tank for yourself.
In my experience, the most disheartening times were when I paid the price, and still I did not experience the love I so desperately craved. It was an endless cycle of giving, expecting, disappointment, resentment, tears, guilt, and repeat.
The worst part? No one knew. I hardly knew because this way of living was motivated on such an unconscious level. The parts I was aware of, I kept to myself—the worrying, the trying, the giving. I was filled with an underlying belief that I was inferior, and that if anyone ever found out, they would let me go (“just as I deserve” said my inner critic). I considered myself totally replaceable. I could not imagine anyone missing me, let alone loving me.
Despite the inner turmoil, I was highly functioning at work and in my social group. To keep the charade up, I had to keep going. Keep smiling. Keep laughing. Seriously, no one knew. I needed it that way to help me feel like an okay human being, so I continued to pay—until I could not pay anymore.
Until I had truly had enough of not feeling enough. It became so exhausting. Although I was functioning, I was avoiding my dreams and denying myself the kind of life and relationships I yearned for. At 30, I woke up to my unhealthy dating patterns and low self-worth. At the depth of my despair, I knew I had to get out of this cycle. The only way out was out.
To get out, I went in deep: counselling, self-help books, coaching, and any workshop that came my way.
I kept hearing it repeatedly: “You must love yourself first.”
So I directed my energy, time and money toward connecting with the one truth I knew would eventually save me: that we are all lovable, and that includes me.
very intresting article, I really loved it