The Planned Life
This wasn't the life I planned for myself", I muttered. No, not at all, I've been growing from being frustrated to being depressed. I feel like a failure. I finished school at 23years, I planned that at 25, I should be wrapping up with my MSc, also have my own home at 25. I didn't want single hood to catch up with me at 27. My dream was to work as an OAP in a good media firm but las, I'm here working as a receptionist with a salary of 3000
Yes, I'm 34, no good job, no career working, no home of my own, no love life. I feel like the world is crumbling at my feet. I have failed my parents especially my father who so much believed in me. He always talked about how happy he would be when he watches me on the big screen. I feel broken, shattered and alone in this space. The burden is just too much for me to bear.
After having this conversation with myself, I staggered out of the bed full of bitterness and feeling of being a failure. I see myself as a failure, I had work to do though it doesn't pay well. I prepared and left for work. On my way to work, I saw mothers dropping their children to school, some younger than myself, some my age and some older than I am. I felt bad, it was enough to ruin my day, at the bus stop, I bumped into an old friend. She was just what I prayed for, she graduated same time with me, served and got married infact she was the reality of the life I planned for.
After exchanging pleasantries, she offered to give me a ride, I reluctantly accepted. She started asking so many questions from my love life to my financial life. This is exactly what I was trying to avoid. I'm drained already, I don't need anyone to remind me how drained and broken I am.
In a bid to talk, I started crying, I couldn't hold back the tears. The frustration, depression and unfulfillment were written all over me. She asked me a question while calling my name in full; " Chukwubinyelum, how are you doing?" I said to her " I'm not fine, I'm not doing well, I am a failure".
She smiled at me, she said to me" you are not a failure, for the fact that things aren't going as planned don't mean it won't work out for good". " Yes, planning is good but there should be room for miscellaneous. The beautiful things that happen in our lives, most times are not planned".
I told her" you are saying this because everything worked out for you as you planned it ". She smiled again, she told me"that yes she's married but she's is 35, no issues, yes she got her dream job and husband but sleep has eluded her, I envy her, thinking that she's my reality but I don't know that she has been battling with a terminal disease and won't know when her death would come. She said to me " I earn so much but more than half of my income is spent on my treatment. Binyelum, this is not the life I planned for, I will be dying without having a child to call my own, I will be leaving my aged parents at the mercy of no one since I'm the only child.
" Probably, God allowed me to enjoy luxury before I die, I travel out every month but not for fun but for medical reasons. Most times, the life we planned is different from what God planned.
Sitting in her car, I remembered that in years I've never visited the hospital for any life threatening reason, my parents are hale and hearty. I have siblings who cheer me up in my lowest moment. I have friends who doesn't see me as a failure. I also realized that they are people who would wish to have the life that I have. Also, God who is the master planner can replan my life any moment and rewrite my story.
Her story, gave me a new hope and more reasons not to see myself as a failure. I learnt one thing " that for the fact things didn't work out as planned, don't mean that things won't work out for God. " Even the bible says " everything worketh together for good to them that loves God...
With tears in my eyes, " I hugged her so tight and said I love you". I don't know when the time will come for you to leave this world. But no matter how long or short you live, I won't forget this life lesson you taught me.
Yes, I'm not a failure and I know that you too that is reading, you aren't a failure. No matter what life throws at you, just know that your failed planned life doesn't mean and doesn't make you a failure.