@Kaylee

Words For You Everything was happening so fast that day. Xavier dropped by at the house. I had told my aunt he was my keyboard lesson teacher and she believed and gave her consent. We drove off and as usual he held my hands and caressed it as he drove. I found it disturbing as always but I held him still. We got home and the whole place smelt so nice with his Air conditioner cooling in his decently arrayed sitting room. He asked if I was hungry. I told him water would be fine. Then he kissed my forehead and straight to the kitchen he went. I remember using my palm to wipe off his saliva from my head. He handed over the glass of water smiling profusely revealing his cute face. "Let me go in and change up to something light..." He said. I nodded waiting for him to return so we could discuss. Shey it is JESUS? We would talk about him. On his arrival, I saw something that caused my hormones to rise. I never knew I had this much feeling for the same sex till then. He wore an ash colored singlet that revealed his hairy chest and his biceps...and then a brief revealing his thighs and legs. He was what the word 'sexy' meant. He sat next to me putting his arm around my shoulder. I wanted to put them down, but how do I start, only his finger is 20kg. I was becoming uncomfortable but whatever he applied on his armpit smelt romantic and for a second I felt I was being hypnotized. "So, about your text last night..." I said trying to break the silence in the room. Before I knew what was happening, his lips locked on mine. We kissed, again! Swiftly, he took off my shirt and hijacked me to his room. I was lying down like a sheep for slaughter, this time naked. He brought out a jar of oil from his bedside table and a condom. No I wasn't startled. I died for a second. Prior to that time, I had surfed the internet to find out about gay sex... It just occurred to me that I was about being raped. Let's call it rape. Yeah, rape! "I can't have sex with you! I'm not gay..." I exclaimed struggling to release my legs from his thighs hook. "It won't hurt, I promise. I have enough oil..." he replied in a hush tone. It just occurred to me he had a bad Igbo accent, with the way he called oil, “oyiil”. As he dressed himself with the condom I sought of ways to lose myself off his grip. "Stay calm jhooooor! It won't hurt, much, I have Oyiil” "Stop", I cried. Then I heard a knock on the door. "Wakeup, man! And open the door!" It was Simon's voice. Everything was a dream! I opened my eyes, I was in my room. No Xavier. No Oyiil. The knock came again, "Open up jhooooor" "I am coming", I replied. I realized I had an erection already, I knew Simon would understand; I am a man and I just woke up. Many other things should awake with me. "That kain sleep. Shift!", Simon snapped, pushing me off his way. "Good morning, bro", I greeted, now in the bathroom. "It's 12pm, Mr man check your time...be sleeping like Lazarus." "I had a terrible dream, Simon" "You want to share?" (Ehhhh share what? Dem dey share this Kain thing...) "No oh...you're not Joseph the interpreter neither are you Simon the sorcerer..." We both laughed. I knew he wasn't satisfied with that response. He had to take it anyways. Within the space of two days I had kept so many vital things from a friend. "Are you going anywhere today?" Simon asked. I get bothered when he asks me some kind of questions. "Well, yes but in the evening, anything?" "Can I take your car out, please?" "Ah ahn Simon, you know you can. Take the key and go jhooooor" He got up to leave then his last words, "Expect a chat from me at exactly 1pm. it's important". .....At exactly 1pm, he had sent a message already. He could be very time conscious if he wants to be. Our chat read: Simon: “I want to ask you a question and I need a sincere answer”. Me: “Okay. Go ahead”. Simon: “if I come to you and tell you I am in love with a fellow man.. like erotic love, what would you do?” I paused for a moment staring at my phone trying to figure out what's going on in his head. Me: “You know that's a sin, right?” Simon: “I know. What would you do? What would be your response?” Me: “Talk to you and pray for you”. Simon: “Start talking because that's my situation and I am scared”. (What? Simon too! This can't be happening nah! I thought it was just me) Me: “Now listen, friend. Paul said all things are lawful but not all things are expedient. Not every tree in the Garden of Eden was good for eating though all the trees had good fruits that were edible, but not all were for eating. So I don't know the feelings you have, but believe me not all feelings should be acted upon. In fact, as a Christian you should detect how you react to how you feel. You should have dominion over your feelings and your actions ..I hope I'm making sense?” Simon: “Hmmmmmm” (tears emoji) Me: “Simon, listen to me. You are spiritual! And you should walk in the spirit; it is walking in freedom and to freedom. Anything outside that would fulfil the lust of the flesh. Where are you now? Let’s see immediately!” Simon: “Actually, I'm in the living room, your living room. I asked that question for you. All you've typed to me, read them to yourself. Those words are for you.” Me: “Simon? (Tears emoji) Please come up.” That day I was broken. I have never felt that way before. It was like a breakthrough for me. You know what light does to darkness? Yeah, that's it. The moment he got in, I gave him a blow by blow account of all that had happened, from the wedding till that moment. He had been having signals from the Holy Spirit but he couldn't just unravel the puzzle. Good thing was, he knew now, we prayed and I had peace of mind. “... One quick advice, when fighting with lust never do it alone. I know you have the Holy Spirit but have that one person you're accountable to ....” He opted to follow me to Xavier's place to speak with him, promising not to go in. I informed Xavier not to bother picking me that I would drive. He agreed. Getting to his place, I pressed the doorbell and in seconds he was right in front of me. He wore just what I saw in my dream; the ash singlet and the brief, but this time I wasn't moved. He stood there for some seconds throwing seductive glances at me. "Can we go in, please", I asked breaking the silence. He looked left and right and then locked the door, whatever that meant. "What can I offer you?" He asked smiling. "Nothing, I came here to discuss with you ... " I replied keeping my straight face. "Can't we just play a little? Like a small kiss or something...just .." (What's doing this one?) I was just about chipping in something when someone literally banged the door. "Who's that son of a bitch?" He fumed, walking to the door. On opening the door, he saw my friend, Simon. "Who are you? And why the hell are you hitting my door like you are drunk ..?" He cussed. "I am really sorry.. " Simon apologized. I had to come into the scene to explain that he was my friend and all he meant to me. "We have to go now .." Simon pleaded, pulling my left hand. Xavier to me was totally confused. I myself had twice his confusion but I knew I could trust Simon's instincts, so I followed him out of the room. "So nah your boyfriend be this bah .. " Xavier said. Those words fell to the ground and became void. Simon turned to me and with worry all over his face he said, "The Holy Spirit asked me to tell you, I mean us, to leave NOW!" The plan was to come preach to Xavier and win a soul but this instruction must be followed o. It was much later I got to realize that Xavier who worked at the five star hotel where we saw 'Imole Dé' was into fraudulent acts; he had been stealing from the company and the police had come for him that very day. Maybe they would have picked me too. What a headline that would make. 'Son of Kaduna's biggest pastor had affiliation with a criminal.' However they would have put it. I didn't hesitate to detach myself from anything that concerned him- I blocked him from calling me and on all social media platforms. I might not block the thought of him anytime soon. Plus, this might not be the only history we would have. To be continued....

Miracles The church usually had services at the Youth Church every third Sunday of the month. The meeting usually had an average of 800 to 1000 expectant youths in attendance. I had ministered there in songs severally but for the first time I was slotted to preach to that large audience. I had literally waited on the LORD and heard Him concerning the service, but that day I wasn't going to give 'trash' to God's people. **** On getting home, I was reluctant to move an inch, nevertheless I had to drive the boys to church and not allow the devil deprive me further of God's presence. I kept telling myself I was forgiven... I had this feeling of God's peace and love... I just couldn't bring myself to accept it. At some point I felt I was being too self righteous and too hard on myself. I walked into the auditorium after praise and worship (for the first time in a long time). I had to battle with the ushers persuading me to move to 'my seat' in front. I won. The youth choir was ministering ‘Reckless Love’. To me, that song was timely. Victoria, a powerful minister, tore my heart to pieces when she said: “You like BECAUSE, but you love DESPITE”. God doesn't like you because of anything. He loves you despite everything you have done. It was too true to be true. I felt the peace of God like cold water on a weary soul all over me again. I found my self unashamedly crying...not without images of me kissing Xavier flashing through my face as I closed my eyes. Then Simon mounted the podium. "We have a minister this morning..." He announced. I tried to stretch to see who he finally invited. "He is one of us...A man full of power and grace..." Applauds and a standing ovation followed his words. I was still trying to scan the auditorium when I heard him scream my name. (Oh my God! Simon why? Didn't you get my text?) I didn't want to create any further scene so I followed the three protocol officers to the pulpit, confused. Simon hugged me and whispered, "We are not always ready when the LORD needs us..." I knelt down helplessly and I took the solo of “Oceans” by Hillsong. That was all that morning - the whole church was charged up! People were on their knees already, some praying, and doing all sorts. I said no words! I didn't even open a scripture! Then I heard God clearly, he said "I HAVE COME TO HEAL MY PEOPLE..." I was scared. I said it out anyways. The healing started in the choir; our keyboardist who was partially blind regained his sight. I heard him shout it out. Then the lady with the wheel chair lifted it up. I got up in awe of God. The miracles almost got me teary. I kept singing, song after song. After about an hour of diverse demonstration of God's power I gave the mic for testimonies as instructed by the Holy Spirit, and to my greatest surprise, there were massive healings that day, even the healing of the soul. The roars of Joy caught the attention of the main church, it was a glorious sight. The last time I saw that much miracle was when my dad was still alive. Past the closing time but miracles were still happening. I was laying hands, Simon too. Our pastor's came over. It was an unusual service, the first of its kind after so many years. Service was over. I sauntered into my office (as personal assistant to the presiding pastor). I made sure I locked myself in and stayed still. My head was buried on my desk and I found myself crying as I pondered on what had just happened. "Why are you crying?" I heard a voice say. It was GOD'S voice. I just didn't know what to reply. Should I ask why GOD who works in purity would use me? Should I ask why he didn't start the whole healing without me? Should I ask why I felt the way I felt with Xavier? A lot of questions I would love to ask. Then I heard again, "I am launching you from today to another level in ministry..." His voice was loud in my ears, "I'd hold your hands as you hold mine. Give yourself to prayers". Then the exact voice I heard that night again saying "I love you" I can't explain how I felt afterwards in words. A knock came. I didn't respond. I thought whoever it was would give up but then it came again. It was Simon. I got up and let him in. "You lied to me", he said, walking straight to the sofa, "You told me you weren't ready...why? You wanted to hinder all that God has planned...?" "I wouldn't lie to you Simon. I wasn't in any way ready. Lastnight I....I ... " stuttering, I couldn't bring myself to tell him that moment all that had happened between Xavier and me. It was the first thing I intended hiding from my friend. Like he knew something he replied, "No matter the sin you committed GOD's love took over. There's something you want to tell me...it's okay if you don't tell me now...just know I'm always here for you and you must give me that gist.. " We both smiled and hugged. "Can we have a selfie with this your fine shirt...I don't know when the LORD will permit you to wear it again..." Simon teased. I knew he wanted to cheer me up. I accepted and we left for our favorite background. Simon's love for me was genuine. It was more than the kind Jonathan had for David. He was that one friend that stuck closer than a brother. Never have I doubted his love for me. I knew that the night before, he prayed for me and his intercession was a banner over me. I stayed at Simon's place, that afternoon we played games after which he drove me and the boys home. He had more confidence driving at the night than I did. I got home to meet my Aunt and her husband watching the television...she had her head on his shoulder. I greeted and was about walking into my room when she called. She asked that I sit. I was waiting for her to speak but all I got from the couple was this 'see how you killed Goliath' smile. I knew where the whole drama was coming from. "We got videos of your ministration at the youth church..." my aunt began...I didn't want her to show me at all. I always felt embarrassed watching myself. So I cut in. "Oh that? It's all GOD, Glory to HIM!" I replied quickly. "You would join the Bible College in preparation for your ordination..." my uncle added (Ordination, these people don't know what's up. I'm not heading to Nineveh o.) Like he read my mind he said: 'GOD doesn't always need you ready or qualified, HE just wants you available and usable. I need reports on today's finance..." “Alright dad, I would forward it to your mail..." My aunt didn't forget to add that I acted more man-ly from the video. I feigned laughter and she laughed louder. I had not taken off my clothes when my phone kept vibrating several times indicating that I had a lot of messages. I suspected they were testimonies and of a truth they were. Till I bumped into Xavier's message and it read: “Good evening pastor. I am really sorry about yesterday. You know emotions stirred up and what happened, happened. You would not deny that you had feelings for me too. I noticed your erection when we hugged and kissed. Let's not go over that demonic talk, right?” “I see you have a beautiful thing with GOD. I heard you pray all night. Can we talk about this more at my place tomorrow? Please! Please! Good night dear (pastor)”. "I would call you tomorrow" I replied. To be continued...

Feel At Home "Our flight is for 6pm this evening. I won't be in church tomorrow. I have a ministration at our Abuja Worship Centre. Do take care of you and the boys. I sent you some money for your offering and fuel for the car," My uncle said pointing like he was throwing the words at me literally, "Don't forget the youth church. I await testimonies. I trust what God can do through you" he concluded, handing his luggage over to me to put in the car. The news of his travel was really soothing. I had thought of ways to convince them of my being absent from rehearsal, but right now the snare is broken. "And don't forget to act more man-ly by tomorrow. Don't start all your..." My aunt was still talking when my uncle cut her... "Let's go! We would be late. There's no need for that." She didn't like what he did but it happened anyways. I also hated when she tackled my girly mannerism. It hurts me when she does, but that day the movies had paid the debt! *** Looking at the mirror I smiled at how handsome I looked in my Jean, shirt and Sneakers. Xavier's words played in my head; "You'd make a beautiful girl..." I was going out with a man and it felt different. Usually it was with Simon and never did I prepare this early. Now it was with some other guy who I had this weird feeling for. A feeling I know shouldn't be there but I didn't seem to have control of myself. Still staring at me in the mirror, I said a short prayer to God. I felt really cool afterwards. I put my Credit card in my bag to avoid being stranded with a 'stranger'. I thought of driving but nights weren't good for me. My last experience wasn't funny. Suddenly, my phone rang. "I am outside, dear..." Xavier said softly. It made me smile in a way that annoyed me. I tried to remind myself that it wasn't a date but just a movie. I looked at myself again in the mirror, a bit embarrassed about my big ass, I shoved that off, said my declarations and moved out. On getting outside, I saw him standing right beside his car swinging his keys, handsome as handsome. His beards shone and the ring on his right ear glittered as well. I found the earring stuff disturbing though but it didn't matter, did it? He opened his arms for a hug but I declined and shook hands instead. "You owe me a hug, remember." I laughed that off and slid into the car. Off we went! The ride to the movies was fun. It was the first time I had that kind of fun in a long time. We talked about so much. I saw the way he insulted the policeman who asked for bribe. The way he held my hands at times while he drove, though I always withdrew mine. He claimed it was repulsive. Well, what was more intriguing was the movie itself because it made me laugh, cry and pray in tongues. Many times I wished I came with Simon; we would have held hands to pray at some point in the drama. The drama was enough light to my heart. After a while, Xavier slept off with his head on my shoulder. I wasn't bothered at all because the show was spirit filled and captivating. After the movie, we got to the car and just as we were about leaving, he got a call from someone inside the theatre. He held my hands and begged me not to leave that he'd return quickly. It was late but I was ready to make that sacrifice. Over 40 minutes and he wasn't in sight. I called and his phone rang in the car. 10 minutes to 10pm and my mind wandered on how I would arrive at my father's gate alive and still pray with Simon, online. Still drowned in my thoughts trying to figure out a plan B, he arrived, held my hands again and told me he was sorry. I didn't find it necessary but I was smiling. (Caring guy) "Why not drop at my place tonight and then we go to church from there tomorrow?" Xavier suggested as we drove. A lot of things ran through my head. It was a welcomed idea but how about Chisom and my brother? Who was going to take them to church, very early? How about my prayer plan with Simon? I thought. "Okay. You sleep at my place tonight. I drive you home tomorrow. I could even lodge you in a hotel" Hotel? Nah! I won't do that! I didn't know what to do at that point. He looked so worried about me. I kept mute fora while and then I consented. My phone beeped; a text from Simon. It was our prayer time already. I replied the text lying I had started already. I didn't forget to plead the blood immediately. *** Xavier's apartment didn't disappoint me one bit. It was tastefully furnished and the paintings on the wall showed he had great taste for art. I couldn't help but stare at the painting of Nelson Mandela made by Daniel Prudent. "Can I make you tea?" He asked. I turned to him and found myself lusting after his physique - His already exposed chest, his hairy skin, and everything added so much beauty to the young man. He looked like he was standing in a magazine cover. “Oh No! Get thee behind me you devil”, I said to myself, shaking off the thoughts, literally. "Yes please, make it hot...thank you", I replied shyly. Alright dear, so you'd take off you cloths, have your bath while I handle this. Please, feel at home, 'Pastor'. I laughed at his last statement, wondering if he had heard me mutter words in tongues at the theatre. Well, I started feeling comfortable. I undressed and started bathing. Then I heard a knock on the bathroom door. My heart stopped for a second. I turned off the shower to be sure. "Please can I come in to pee...? I heard him say. (Ah! Brother! I'm naked fah!) “No. Sorry. Errrrrm I'm almost done..." I replied stammering. "Are you scared of me seeing you naked?" he laughed, "we are both men nah...abi?" He laughed harder. I felt ashamed. What was I hiding? Chisom, Simon and many other men have seen me naked why the restrain? That passed. I was about lying down on his bed when he asked me to hug him again. I wanted to refuse but this desire to feel what his body was like, led me into his arms. We stayed like that for long. I was about saying good night when he clipped his lips into mine and I found myself deeply kissing a man. It was my first experience. But, what was weird was how I felt. I was in another planet in a minute and then disgusted the next minute. I pulled out, jumped on the bed to sleep and I buried my head in the pillow, not knowing what to do. He covered me with his blanket, switched off the light and left the room for me. I couldn't sleep that night! I got up and I was crying and praying for Mercy. I sent Simon a text to stand in for me the next day that I wasn't ready. He kept calling but I didn't pick. I hated myself, Xavier and even the house. By 3am or thereabout I finally slept. He woke me up at exactly 6am and drove me home. We drove silently. He tried starting up a conversation, but I answered monosyllabically till he stopped talking. I kept hearing a voice saying "I love you" in my head. "Devil, stop it! You don't love", I'd reply in my head. To be continued...

IMOLÉ DÈ (Light Has Come) From where I stopped in the last article, "The Best Man"... Being a preacher's kid comes with so much disadvantages as well as advantages. Well, rationally speaking, the benefits outweigh the disadvantages. This has been my opinion though, and that's because a lot of us out there take the ills that come with it and magnify it. I have decided to see only the positivity in it, for my sanity sake. My parents founded the place where I worship and have been worshipping from birth. I heard the church started from a shop, then to a rented apartment where we had services only on Fridays and now the five thousand (5000) seater auditorium we have. The day the building was to be dedicated, unfortunately, my parents died in a plane crash that fateful morning. These are events I try not to think or talk about. Since then, my younger brother and I live with the presiding pastor of the church who happens to be my father's younger brother. Since the tragic incident, he (my uncle) and his wife have become both my parents and pastor. I heard according to my father's will or let's say ‘God's will’ my uncle would oversee the church till the one whom the LORD is preparing (as stated in the will, 'whom I have no idea of') is ready. I sometimes feel that was unnecessary as my Uncle was spiritual and worded and has successfully maintained the church's standard. But who am I to question what the LORD has destined? Living in a pastor's house, it has been a custom not to attend wedding receptions. I know how many times I have questioned the act, proposing that Jesus attended a wedding reception and even turned water into wine. Left for me alone it wasn't too much of an issue, but the rest of the house would not yield, especially my aunt who would buy the asó ebi and still stay at home. My uncle argued that they won't want to get polluted with the kinds of songs, jokes and activities that go on there. I know he heard that from my father and had no option than to carry on with the religion. One good thing is, as we go home, the reception goes home with us. We always return with stock of goodies that we certainly don't finish in one day. Aunty Idara's wedding was not an exception at all. Chisom our 'divine help' started serving food. My aunt said he was not to be referred to as our house help/boy because the word was for unbelievers who maltreated people's children. Hence, his title ‘divine help’. It was rumoured that she chose a boy to help in the house because she didn't want anyone to seduce her husband. 'People though'. The dining was set. My Aunt appointed me to pray for the food and just as I was about doing that my phone rang. It was an unknown number but 'truecaller' revealed the name of the person, it still was unfamiliar. "Will you pray!", my aunt barked. I quickly silenced the phone and said a short prayer, took my phone and left the dining room. It was quite unusual for me to leave food for a call. But there's always a first time, right? I raced to the room, shut the door and just as I was about dialling the number, the call came in again. "Hello..." I started, unusually eager to know who it was. "Good afternoon, dear." the caller responded, which got me annoyed. I'm not fond of endearing words from strangers. It could be someone I knew, so I mellowed. "Who is this please?" I asked being a calm Christian. "It is Xavier. The guy at the church, the best man remember?" On hearing this, my phone dropped off my hand and bounced on the mattress. I wondered how he got my number. So many means came to mind. Truth is, getting my number was not something too difficult. Questioning myself on who gave him my number didn't matter. I could still hear him speaking on the phone. "Hello! Hello! Are you there? I just called to know if you looked at the content I dropped in your pocket... Hello!" I didn't respond, so he hung up. Straight to my suit, I went, looked for the paper and behold what I saw, a ticket to see one of the most anticipated Christian Stage drama, 'Imole dé'. It was even a VIP ticket. It was something, and the last thing on my mind was declining. Sales of ticket had closed. The guy was toxic and looked like an appearance of evil already, but I had to remind myself that it was just to see a drama. "He can't kiss you at the theatre na..." I said to my self. I picked my phone and sent him a text stating that I'd attend; with him. In no time he replied my text, then I sent another, another followed and so before we would spell Jesus, we entered WhatsApp. Then Voice calls and Video calls. The Xavier man was a whole Vibe entirely, quite an interesting person to chat and talk with. I was still having a video call when my best friend, Simon badged into the room. I hung up the call quickly and faced the seemingly furious Simon standing by the door with hands on his waist akimbo. "What's wrong with you?" he fumed. Astonished as I was, I got up. "I don't understand..." I replied. "Mum has been calling you. She said you haven't eaten. You missed God's Hour with Pastor Dunsin and your line is busy... only to meet you smiling at your phonelike...what I don't know ..." I didn't know what made me laugh. Maybe it was the fact that my friend who seldomly gets angry was standing in front of me acting like a daddy or the fact that he said I was smiling at my phone. "I am fine, man. Calm down! Oya, let's go and eat...did you go for the reception ?" "That's your business. I have eaten and you missed the programme. ntor" Hearing that I missed God's Hour, I should have been sad and bothered but that afternoon it didn't seem much of a problem to me. I had quite an eventful hour with Xavier, and the joy of seeing the drama live was enough satisfaction. Carnal! Right? "Rehearsal is in a few hours, I hope you know. Now that you're picking your food and smiling at your phone like you are chatting with the woman with the issue of blood..." Simon said with his eyes fixed on me. I laughed it off, then it occurred to me that he said rehearsal and it was a Saturday. "I won't be attending today's rehearsal o..." I replied. I told him I was going to the theatre to see 'Imole Dé' with this friend. First he laughed it off; entries had closed and we allowed it slide intentionally. I had to explain how I got the ticket and he kept digging out more reasons why I had to be in church. He reminded me that I was to take the word at the youth church and we needed to pray together in preparation. "That's true oh..." I cried. It was my first official appearance and I needed to be sure of what to give God's people. "Never mind, I would be back before rehearsal dismisses. Even if I don't get back I'd pray at home, we would Skype it" I explained trying to convince him. Deep down, I knew making it for rehearsal was slim, but the prayers was definite to work. I could see the worry in Simon's eye, even though he said nothing. I was going anyways. There was no negotiation. My sermon was ready, all I needed to do was deliver it. "I would be expecting your call this evening...Enjoy your movie" He replied, quite coldly. He had every right to feel bad. Both of us had planned attending the show together. But due to our tight schedule we opted to just watch the video on YouTube. Now I was going, not with him, but with this my new and unknown friend. To be continued...

The Best Man Hi everyone. A happy Sunday to you! Okay, let's do this. You know our Nollywood movies right? A man comes back home from work exhausted and his wife rushes to him, takes off his blazers and says "Welcome darling! How was work today? I prepared your favourite..." and the man would be like, "Which is?". That's like the lamest question I have heard. Why is it your favourite if you don't know what it is? This is one reason why I say marriage itself is a joke and the wedding is the comedian. I am really not fond of weddings. It makes me sad how people who were living their happy lives, 'meet', 'fall in love' and then walk into something they aren't prepared for. Something that brings pain with it, a place where you have to endure, endure and endure. Working with my Dad had exposed me to many failed marriages looking for ways to be mended because divorce is not an option. Many families have new cases every morning. Weddings which make others happy, has a way of making me sober. My first wedding as an adult was actually forcible, I had no excuse not to be present because it was my MD's (Music Director's) wedding and I had to stand in for her. By God's grace (as we were taught to say) I happened to be one of her most reliable singers. Of course the last thing she would want is to play the video of her wedding and hear off-notes here and there. Hence, I was present. As I hit my favourite key, key G. I sang the usual Showers of Blessing as she walked down the isle with the old man who I believed was her father. Looking into the veil I could tell that she was smiling. Everyone in church was drowned in the euphoria of the whole wedding drama. Her husband (to-be) was in front with a straight face. The man was quite cute but his best man should have been the husband, if you ask me. While singing I still had fears for my music director. With all the biceps and triceps the man has, won't he beat her some day? I just imagined her coming for rehearsal either with a physical or emotional scar saying..., "Today we would sing PEACE WHEN TROUBLE BLOWS...", I won't be surprised if I laugh. This evil thought made me smile as I struck my last note of Amen. Local woman had slotted my name in the programme for a special ministration. This didn't go well with me at all. She just wanted me to do everything; from praise worship session to hymn and now this. It wasn't too bad an idea though as it was yet another opportunity to be used by God. So I took my acoustic guitar, mounted it at the centre of the altar, I could see her smiling as I did that. She loved my solos... according to her it gave her peace, and they were the most times I expressed myself in songs. I never doubted her words, her honesty was to depend on, and her depth in music is like an ocean. I did a song by Tee Zion, 'My Love'. It was one of those songs that reminded me of the fact that Jesus loves me and I could also be in love with HIM. Marriage can wait. His love was simply enough for me because to me then, marriage was like going to have your bath and then urinating in the toilet when you could just do it on the floor and let the shower wash it all away. While singing, something was really disturbing or should I say, what someone in the congregation was doing got me bothered. It was the best man - the cute Best Man. He had his eyes all over me and the way he smiled sheepishly was bothersome. On the flip side, I liked it when he smiled at me though, he was very handsome. Made me wonder why Aunty Idara didn't just marry the younger brother and leave this 'Anthony Joshua' she's about to marry. It wasn't my business though. As for the Cute Man, probably he was blessed and couldn't help but smile. People react differently in the physical to spiritual things, right? The applaud by the congregation that followed my ministration and the tears from my MD's eyes gave me a sense of fulfilment and it made me love the Holy Spirit more. Indeed, He's our helper. After my ministration, I went outside. It had become a ritual for me. After singing, I race to the bathroom, clean my face and most importantly, I pray. On entering the Minister's toilet I began muttering prayers to the Holy Spirit while washing my face. Then I heard a voice from behind say, "You sing very well". I was mortified. Initially I felt like God was responding to my prayers. Then I turned and realized it was the Best Man. (Why's he here? Couldn't he have waited till the sermon was over?), I thought. "You startled me, sir..." I responded, damping my face quickly. "I listened to you sing and you took me to realms unexplainable. I have never heard a voice so powerful yet spirit filled..." (I am telling this one that he startled me he's here saying what I don't know, sounding like one Radio Presenter…) "Glory to God," I smiled "He's the giver of good gifts and it's all to His glory", I responded The young man had the most charming face I've ever seen, and from the look of things he didn't just come to appreciate me but to make me feel ugly, or uglier if I may say. "I believe you came to ease yourself, right? Take care and enjoy the rest of the day" I said to him and was about leaving when he pulled me back. (This kain Indian film sha) "There's something on your hair...can I take it off?" He said smiling. I nodded in agreement only for him to whisper something in my ear. I didn't hear all he said, maybe because my nose was busy perceiving his apparently expensive perfume, still wondering what I smelt like. "I didn't hear what you said but I have to go back inside the church right away because I might be needed..." I replied trying to walk away, Best Man still restrained me o. "I said you're cute and I want to kiss you" (Ah! Jehovah Tskendu! What's this one oh LORD! Which Kind handsome devil be this na...) I looked around to be sure the place occupied just the two of us. Well luckily we were, not until one of the choristers, Femi opened the door forcefully to inform me that it was time to sing another hymn. That got me excited. Such a phase passed brilliantly. I adjusted every adjustable and raced out of the bathroom with the Best Man trailing behind. He ran ahead and inserted a card into my breast pocket and hurried into the church. I didn't bother to find out what it was. On entering, Ruth had started singing already. (Ride on my dear sister...no be only me Jesus die for). "Holy Spirit may that be our last meeting..." I prayed. That prayer must have fallen on the Stony ground.

Reasons for Getting Remarried? Are those reasons strong enough? Perhaps you’re already in a new relationship and are hoping that it will lead to marriage. There are several books on remarriage that gives people motivation on going ahead to remarry. But there are quite a number of issues to deal with in a second marriage. Also, there are so many things that push people into remarrying. This happens quite frequently. Things like emotional rescue, relational rescue, and financial rescue. Some of the same reasons that keep us in a relationship too long can push us into a relationship too soon. In addition to the other forms of rescue, you will face the sex issue again. Sexual rescue is a problemmost single-again persons will have to face. The concern is twofold: “Will I ever have sex again now that I amsingle?” and “Will I and can I be celibate until I marry again?” This becomes the big pursuit for many people, and some have found this pressure prompting their move toward marriage. But the sexdrive by itself is not sufficient reason for getting married. Celibacy and a biblical pattern of living is possible and is more commonly practiced than you might believe. One other form of rescue is worth noting—parental rescue. A custodial parent of one, two, three, or four children can be worn to a frazzle. Many second marriages have come about because the parent wanted another parent more than they wanted a spouse. Keep in mind that a biological parent will always have stronger ties and more of an emotional investment in their children than a stepparent. A second marriage will never rescue you frombeing the primary parent. Fortunately, we are able to take advantage of the wealth of information that has been accumulated over the years about the adjustment issues in remarriage. It’s much simpler when there are no children coming into the new marriage. But many remarriages have multiple children on both sides. If you or your new spouse are bringing children into a new marriage, hopefully there is a healthy, cooperative relationship between the biological parent and their ex. But if it is more of an adversarial relationship, you or your new spouse may need to formulate some formof foreign policy of conduct toward the former spouse. The purpose of such a policy is as follows: ¶ To prevent a former spouse from draining emotional or material resources fromyour new marriage. ¶ To prevent your former marriage from interfering and having a negative influence on your new marriage. ¶ To keep your former spouse’s responses from hurting the children in your new marriage. ¶ To attempt to build some type of healthy, mature interaction between the former spouses. You or your new spouse may need to be firmin your responses and be unavailable at times when the former spouse tries to make contact. Make it very clear that the new relationship comes first and be willing to help your new partner cope with the former one.

Remarriages - How Do You Know If You’re Ready? A big question to answer is, Are you ready for remarriage? Many people who divorce live with fear and have difficulty trusting. Chances are your trust with your former partner was broken, and you may struggle to trust anyone again. And you may struggle with the fear of having the next relationship be a repeat of the first. Trust is built slowly. You need to learn to trust your own decisions, judgments, and feelings. As you do, fear will be crowded out. Do others feel you’re ready for remarriage? If you haven’t asked your closest friends and family members, do so. Ask themfor specific reasons as well. Are you realistic when it comes to making a new marriage work if there are children involved? Keep in mind it takes at least five to sixyears for a blended family to blend. Some of the couples I work with who are considering remarriage wonder if they are really free fromthe influences of their previous marriage enough to remarry. If you answer the following questions in the affirmative, perhaps you need to reconsider getting married again at this time: Does this new potentialspouse resemble your former spouse in their appearance? Does the personality quality that you value so much in this new person seemto be the one your former spouse lacked? Do the same conflict(s) that were in your previous marriage also exist in this relationship? Do you hold resentment against yourself or your former spouse for what happened in your marriage? Did this relationship begin as an affair while you were previously married? Do you resist or rebel against anything that reminds you of your previous spouse or your way of life together? Do you spend a lot of time thinking about what is going on in the life of your previous spouse? Are you searching for someone who is a clone of your former partner but without defects? Sometimes postponing the decision to marry again is helpful for recovery and change to occur. Have you taken time to find out everything you can aboutnyour new love’s former marriage? What did they like and dislike about their former spouse, and what are their expectations of you because of that? Don’t be afraid to ask, “What did you do wrong?” By the same token, be willing to share what you did wrong if you were married before. Listen to your partner when they talk about their first marriage. They’re not just sharing history, but information that will influence your marriage. Fears and hurts which took years to accumulate won’t disappear overnight. Bringing issues out into the open is healthy. Be sure you look at your own issues if you were married before.

Ten Time Management Hacks Continued EVEN IF YOU ARE A CHRONIC PROCRASTINATOR, Try this. From where I stopped last; **#HACK 5** **SCHEDULE PLANNING AND THINKING TIME** Create time to think and plan for the crushing of your goals before you start working on your goals or begins a new day. "By 12pm tomorrow, I want to do this, how am I going to Do it?, what will be in place for me to do this?" This is you thinking and planning... One mistake I had always made is waking up and wanting to accomplish my goals without planning... By 9am, I'll be like: what do I do today... Time has already gone by! So you need to create time for thinking and planning... You can do this late in the night before going to bed or very early in the morning or weekends for the following weeks and month end for the following month. **#HACK 6** **TURN OFF YOUR SOCIAL MEDIA NOTIFICATION** Recently, I discovered that my social media is taking a lot of my time. Yes I do a lot of things online but in need to be disciplined enough not to allow my time be eaten away by Facebook, WhatsApp etc. And what did I do: go to your setting, turn off the notification for those apps. You're not turning it off because you don't want to be active.. You're turning it off so that it does not appear on your screen; so and so person send you message on WhatsApp, commented in your post on Facebook etc. Instagram, LinkedIn and Twitter. When you see all those things, you would want to click and once clicked,your focus is lost and your time has gone. **#HACK 7** **TURN BIG GOALS INTO SMALLER DAILY TASK** Lets say you want to achieve 100k goals every month or 5books a month. Ask yourself: how much then do you want to make per week?: 5weeks in the month, that's atleast 20k per week. That atleast 4k every day... That means everyday you're making 4000naira, Calculate it in a week(28k) and in a month 120k. You have smashed that goal! Same as 5books in a month translates to one book a week... This is what it means to turn big goals into small daily task... **HOPE YOU GOT VALUE TODAY?**

What Happens When You Marry When you marry, you and your spouse will experience a momentous head-on collision if you expect to continue life as you now know it in your marriage. Each of you will need to do some housecleaning and abandon your world as you know it now, so you can forma new life and a new culture. Most of us aren’t expecting that drastic a transition. But you’re not marrying a clone who thinks, acts, and does things just like you. So who gives in, changes, and adapts? Which way is best? You’ll have to discover that together. It’s so much easier to confront as many of these issues as possible before you marry, rather than be devastated and disillusioned by them after the wedding. As one man said, “Marriage is not a 50–50 proposition. It’s more like a 90–10 relationship. Sometimes you give 90, and sometimes you get 90. But don’t keep score.” Getting married will change your dating relationship. All of the conscious and unconscious expectations you brought with you will now be tested, and some will be found wanting. The marriage itself acts as a trigger to unleash the underlying hopes, fears, needs, and desires that have been lying dormant for years, awaiting the time they could be exposed. If you question whether or not getting married brings about significant changes, think about this. In a major national survey of what happened during the first year of marriage, 50 to 60 percent of newlyweds (and half of them had lived together prior to marriage) reported: ¶The number of arguments they had changed after they were married. ¶Their tendency to be critical of one another changed (most were more critical). ¶Their feelings of self-confidence changed. ¶Their relationship with their own family changed. ¶Their attitude toward their work changed. ¶Their interest in having an attractive home changed. In addition, between 40 and 50 percent said they had occasional doubts whether their marriage would last, had significant marital problems, and reported discovering that being married was harder than they ever thought it would be. This same survey found a disturbing and sobering fact that could be very beneficial for those planning to marry. There were as many regrets about the first year of marriage as people who have been married. Almost everyone wished they had done something differently. The most frequently mentioned factor concerned developing goals and specifying their needs before marriage. They wished they had assumed more responsibility for the success of the relationship. Of those in this survey who divorced, all of them said the problems began at the beginning of their marriage, but many denied or ignored the problems until it was too late. Sounds overwhelming and almost impossible, doesn’t it? Well, on your own it is. I don’t know how couples ever work it out without learning to submit to God. I remember in Claire Cloninger's book When she said, "when the Glass Slipper Doesn’t Fit and the Silver Spoon Is in Someone Else’s Mouth, described the miracle of marriage extremely well: I figure that the degree of difficulty in combining two lives ranks somewhere between rerouting a hurricane and finding a parking place in downtown Manhattan. I am of the opinion that only God Himself can make a marriage happen really well. And when He does it His way, it’s one of His very best miracles. I mean, the Red Sea was good, but for my money this is better. What God can create out of…two surrendered lives is “infinitely more than we ever dare to ask or imagine.” Through Him we can discover how to experience His grace in our marriage. Along with the abandonment of your single lifestyle is the need to abandon yourself to His will and His strength as you proceed through your marriage. There may be days in which no matter how well you prepared for your marriage you may stop and say, “This isn’t exactly what I expected. Was this the best decision for me? I thought so at that time.” When this happens, that’s where the depth of realistic love (which is discussed in a later chapter) and commitment will have to sustain your marriage. In a book of essays on marriage, Mike Mason wrote, “Marriage involves a continuous daily renewal of a decision which, since it is of such a staggering order as to be humanly impossible to make, can only be made through the grace of God.” I hope you have been informed!

Steps to Overcoming Fear In Relationships What can you do about your fears? The initialstep is facing and accepting the fact that fear may be ruling your life in some way. And if so, identify what the fears are. List them, and then evaluate each on a scale of 0 to 10 to discover the intensity. A 0 indicates no fear, 5 is average, and 10 is very intense. Ask yourself the question, “What amI doing to keep this fear alive in my life?” You may be surprised at the answer. Talk about your fear with a trusted friend who can assist you. List the results of living by fear or becoming a risk-taker. Face your fear by doing the thing of which you are afraid. This breaks the power of fear. Look to God’s Word for guidance, wisdom, and control of your fears. One of my favorite passages is Psalm37. It begins, “Do not fret,” and those words are repeated later in the chapter. The dictionary defines fret as “to eat away, gnaw, gall, vex, worry, agitate, wear away.” Whenever I hear this word, I’mreminded of the scene I see each year when I hike along the Snake River in Grand Teton National Park in Wyoming. Families of beavers live along the riverbanks, and often I see trees that are at various stages of being gnawed to the ground. Some trees have slight rings around their necks where the beavers have just started to chew. Other trees have several inches of bark eaten away, and some have already fallen to the ground because the beavers have gnawed through the trunks. Worry and fear have the same effect on us. They will gradually eat away at us until they destroy us. And they will keep us fromhaving the love we want in a relationship. In addition to telling us not to fret, Psalm37 gives us positive substitutes for worry. First, it says, “Trust (lean on, rely on, and be confident) in the Lord” (verse 3, AMP). Trust is a matter of not attempting to live an independent life or to cope with difficulties alone. It means going to a greater source for strength. Second, verse 4 says, “Delight yourself also in the Lord” (AMP). To delight means to rejoice in God and what He has done for us. Let God supply the joy of your life. Third, verse 5 says, “Commit your way to the Lord” (AMP). Commitment is a definite act of the will, and it involves releasing your worries and anxieties to the Lord. And fourth, we are to “rest in the Lord; wait for Him” (verse 7, AMP). This means to submit in silence to what He ordains but to be ready and expectant for what He is going to do in your life. Have you ever considered the question, “Why did God put so many ‘fear nots’ in the Bible when He knows we tend to be fearful creatures?” God’s “fear nots” are just another way He has provided for you. God doesn’t want your life to be a chore. Fear makes it that. God doesn’t want you to be driven by fear but by hope. And He gives you the hope you need when He says, “Fear not.” You can be a free person without compromising who you are out of fear of others. Life is a risk, but risks give you a great opportunity to learn to live by faith. Fear will no longer be the dominating force in your life if you refuse to let it be. Your imagination is one of God’s greatest gifts to you. Use it! Your imagination can generate fear, or it can be a vehicle for bringing God’s peace and calm into your life. Isaiah the prophet said, “Thou dost keep himin perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee” (Isaiah 26:3, RSV). If marriage is part of your dream, don’t let fear become your life’s companion rather than a person. If remaining single is your choice, let it be because it is God’s calling for you rather than because you are afraid.

Relationships: Short-term, Long-term, And None You’ve met someone who’s a real possibility. You’re interested and they’re interested. You don’t know where this could go, but you’re willing to pursue it. You just met and spent a few minutes talking, and there’s a definite interest…on both sides. This could become, well, think of all the possibilities—a friendship, a short-termromance, longterm romance, maybe even marriage. Who knows? **What Are You Looking For?** Have you considered letting people know what you are looking for right up front? It’s possible, and it can save you and the other person some time and even heartache. Now and then you will find an expression of this in dating ads. Some come right out and say, “Looking for romance, commitment, and eventually marriage” or “Just want to date and see what happens” or “Not interested in marriage, but a good friend.” Perhaps more of this needs to occur right up front. The initial step is to determine what you are ultimately looking for in your relationship endeavors. Some men and women have said they let it be known the first time they’re together with a new person what their long-range goals are. Then as soon as possible, they try to discover what the other person is seeking. Everyone has plans and preferences. One way to draw someone out is to share your own ideals. If you’re looking for a marriage partner and this new person isn’t, why waste your time? If they indicate they are too, but for the past 12 years they’ve had one series of six-month relationships after another, what does that tell you? You hope you’ll be the answer to their searching, but that’s a high risk. A person’s relationship history may have a message for you, too. Here’s what a 33-year-old woman shared as her criteria: What I look for in a godly man. Spirituality is the umbrella, and then there are things under that. If the umbrella isn’t there, I don’t care what the outer appearances of the guy are: He might be a looker, a charmer, quite a talker, a doer, a go-getter; however, if the evidences of a strong walk with the Lord are not there, I am not interested. However, once under the umbrella, qualities I find attractive are: A person of whom my parents approve (particularly my father); A person who is trustworthy; A person of integrity (His word is his bond—when he says something, I feel confident it is going to be done. When he says something, I know he is going to do it). Someone I can look up to—a person I would like to emulate. Someone courteous—not one who will put me down. A good listener. A supportive person—we might disagree on some things, but he would listen to my point before making a decision about right or wrong. A good communicator. While I understand we won’t always agree on things or have the same opinion of things, I want someone who at least tries to understand and communicate with me. This is one of the more important qualities I look for. The idea of integrity comes back to mind—in all facets of his being. Integrity toward his God, his spouse, his employer, his friends, his finances (the church, the IRS, etc.) and to himself. Does he try to convince himself of something that just isn’t the case? Most of this rather “strict” approach to looking for a godly man is for two reasons: One is that I ama Christian and the thought of being with an unbeliever is not only repelling, it also is against God’s will. The other reason is because I tried it the other way and I know how unhappy (actually, downright miserable) I was. I knew I was involved in relationships which weren’t the ideal, but I didn’t know how to extricate myself. With respect to dating, ideally I won’t actually date. In other words, I would like to get to know the godly man as a friend. I would like for kissing, etc., not to be an issue. I truly believe I can meet someone and get to know him on an intellectual and spiritual level and know at that point whether I want to marry him. The physical aspect of a relationship isn’t necessary as part of the courtship I have with a person. I have enough faith and belief in God that He will work out the physical aspects of our relationship when we marry. Consequently, ideas that feel right or comfortable to me are to meet someone in groups of other Christians (either in a Sunday school class or in church, or in some outreach project). I would like to get to know him in groups—at least initially—before having any one-on-one time. Lastly, and yet most importantly, having come through the background I have, I absolutely believe and know that prayer in a relationship is essential. In fact, it is prayer that will allow God to let me know His will about a particular man in my life. Additionally, praying together is something that will be a must for me. Some individuals are quite satisfied and fulfilled with short-term relationships. This has been their pattern over the years and they are not pressing for marriage. Sometimes those in constant and frequent short-termrelationships project the reason for this onto their partners. They say, “She just didn’t seem interested in marriage” or “He wasn’t the commitment type. Few men are these days.” People who follow this pattern of relationships usually have a high or “peak” intensity of attraction at the beginning, but over the next few months it diminishes. The relationship feels good and often there is intense passion. It’s as though there is an addictive chemical at work, but it rarely lasts. You can’t always explain why you are drawn to this person and sometimes who and what they are fails to match up to your qualifications list. Infatuation does not have to have a correlation with reality. Infatuation/passion is so common with adolescents, and yet it can become a continuous pattern for adults in their 20s and 30s as well. Unfortunately, when the IP (infatuation/passion) fails to occur immediately, the person may not seem interested in pursuing the possibilities. There is possibly more hope for a relationship developing and lasting without infatuation than with the IP pattern. As a couple dates and the intensity begins to subside, there is time for necessary evaluation of the relationship and the other person, as well as the opportunity for mature love to develop. If some crisis occurs to make you look at the relationship in a new way, so much the better. This is positive, for this is life. When you encounter a crisis together, you are able to see another, often hidden side of the other individual. We are more willing to make changes during some crises. When couples who are in pre-engagement or premarital counseling come in and state they had a difficult week or experienced major upsets, my response is “Wonderful, we’ll be able to accomplish more this week. We can use what happened to determine the effect upon your relationship. This is positive.” They don’t usually see it that way, but in time they will see the benefits. Or if a couple doesn’t experience very much upset during the weeks we spend together, I bring up issues and subjects that may cause serious discussion, reevaluation, or even conflict. This is what life is like when you’re married. Before you marry is when you need to discover if you can really handle issues together. When you enter a time of reevaluating a relationship to determine whether you will move forward or dissolve it, you will probably consider numerous questions. Do you want to continue this relationship, and if so, in what way? Are you content to maintain at this level, or do you want to work to move it to a deeper and perhaps lasting relationship? Are you capable at this time of making such a decision? Are you capable of sharing whatever your feelings are for the person for a lifetime? Are you considering staying in this relationship for a positive reason or because it’s better than being alone until something better comes along? Perhaps one of the questions for you to consider as you begin becoming acquainted with a person is, “Does this relationship have long-lasting potential?” Ask yourself this question, and rate it on a scale of 1 to 10 (1 being “forget it” and 10 being “absolutely yes”). Do this each time you see the person and spend time with him/her. Keep track of this for a month and then ask yourself, “What are these results telling me?”

Meeting Eligible people “WHERE DO I MEET THEM, AND WHAT DO I SAY?” A true “How I Met Her” story: I was in the supermarket three blocks frommy house. Every Thursday night I was there getting the groceries I need. I came to the end of an aisle and looked right but turned left…and I saw her. She was sharp—not stunning, but sharp. As I cruised by (I have this great peripheral vision) I glanced at her left hand and, hallelujah, no wedding ring. She was someone I wanted to meet. She didn’t have any kids with her, so that was another plus for me. I kept about 20 yards behind her, and even though I’d selected everything on my list, I kept looking as though I was looking for more items. I was planning my time so I could get in the checkout line right behind her and strike up a conversation. She headed for the checkout line and so did I. A family with five noisy kids was headed the same direction and I could see that they might cut me off and beat me there. I gunned the shopping cart and cut a corner real close. Too close, in fact. My foot hit the display of two hundred tightly stacked cans of beans. They began to tumble slowly at first and then an avalanche. As they did their thing, I did mine. I fell. Flat on my face! And as I did, I involuntarily shoved the shopping cart and it took off. You guessed it! It shot across the floor on a straight line towards that attractive woman. It was a perfect shot. Right in her behind! I wanted to meet her, but not that way. By this time the laughter fromall the people shut out the sounds of the bean cans. As she turned and looked at the cart with no one there, her eyes scanned the chaos to see who the perpetrator was and found me spread face down on the floor against the bean cans. I smiled. She laughed. We met. The rest is history. I wouldn’t recommend that method, but it worked for me. Where to Meet Eligible People Where do you go to meet eligible people? Does it just happen as in this case, or do you work at making it happen? Some feel you will meet the right person by happenstance. Others contend you need to be aggressive in looking for a potential partner. Keep in mind that the greater the number of people of the kind you would be interested in, the greater the possibilities. It’s best to look for abundance. I heard the story of a high school teacher who had turned 40. She suddenly realized she really wanted to be married. But being a teacher, she had neither time nor energy during the school year to look around, so during the summer this became her project. She used personal ads in singles’ resources and went to numerous events and activities that she enjoyed. For two summers she did this, and during that time she actually interviewed 68 men. She married the 68th. Working at this project is a much better possibility than waiting for that predestined individual who’s just going to one day out of the blue fall into your lap. And for many of these examples that do “just happen,” when you look back you find that there usually was some orchestration of time, place, and events that occurred. It is true that you need to pray. Seek God’s will for your life—whether being married or remaining single—and then ask for His leading. But you just don’t sit at home waiting for a knock on the door. It’s a combination of praying, waiting, and looking. I’ve talked to several people who grew up in small towns. They said they didn’t want to move fromtheir town, but since they didn’t find someone in college, they figured it would be better to live in a large city for a while so they could spouse￾hunt. There just weren’t that many available attractive prospects for themin a town of 4000. This may sound simplistic to say, but it needs to be said, and you’llsee why later. If you’re interested in marriage and interested in a certain person, is that candidate available? You may be interested, attracted, head-over-heels in love, but if they’re not available, your efforts will be unrewarded. There are some people who are available and others who aren’t.

Availability in relationships—Psychological and Situational There are two kinds of availability, psychological and situational. Psychological availability includes having recovered and grown from previous relationships, having separated emotionally fromparents in a healthy way, having the ability to commit to another person, and not being afraid of marriage. Situational availability includes several factors. If the person you are interested in is living with a lover, not only are they not a good choice for you emotionally and spiritually, the fact that they haven’t chosen marriage is another warning sign. Why didn’t they marry? What about their relationship with the Lord? If they have just come out of a “living together” arrangement, the same concerns on your part need to be there. This person is not a good candidate now. Give thema couple of years to grow spiritually and emotionally. If you’re interested in someone who is separated, they aren’t available. They’re still married in the eyes of the state and God, whether the separation has been five weeks or five years. Aside from that, what a person goes through emotionally during the breakup of a marriage means they are not at all ready for a new relationship, even though they may be desperate for one. A divorced person is a possibility depending upon how long it’s been, financialstatus, bitterness, emotional readiness, etc. There is one other category to consider: those who are married…to their work or to their family of origin. There are many others who are available. You can find them, but just keep these considerations in mind.

Hints For Getting A Distinction Score In Any School Test A. Days Before The Test When a teacher says something in class and repeats it, write it down. It will likely be on the test. Do all practice questions: some may be assigned or in the textbook and the teacher may use them for his/her test. Prepare for pop quizzes: Read the material (even though you may not want to) for 15 minutes every night - just in case. Take notes: Focus on concepts, definitions, and formulas that you think will be on the test. Start studying a few days before a test: Three days is usually sufficient. If you procrastinate until a night before, you probably won't remember the material after the test. If you have leftover time at the end of your study session, review old material so you keep it fresh in your mind for the final exam. A few minutes here and there will greatly reduce the amount of time you have to spend studying at the end of the year when you really want to coast along until summer. If you have several test scheduled close together, think about the difficulty of the material and proportion your time accordingly. If you spend the same amount of time studying material you already know as more challenging material, your grade in the simpler class will suffer. If you know the material already, studying more isn't going to do much good. B. A Night Before The Test Have your test taking materials ready: You're already nervous, so the last thing you want to do is panic if you can't find your pencil or pen. Keep extra ones handy in your backpack. A night before the test, make a study aid with a summary of everything and look it over on your way to school and before class. Fit in all the studying you can. For many people, it is better to never study the day before a test, because that day is when all the information you know organizes itself in your brain. You may or may not be this type of person; if you are, you should not even think about the test or any related material exactly 24 hours before the test until it starts. When studying for a larger test/exam, study only for one hour at a time, then take a 10 minutes break. Don't get distracted by games, television, phone calls, etc during the break, as they make it harder to return to what you are learning. Have a healthy breakfast. Hunger pains and a growling stomach will hurt your chances of getting an A. Statistics have shown that makes do better on tests with a slightly hungry stomach, and the females do better on tests with a slightly full stomach. Avoid pulling an all-nighter to study for a test. It does not pay off. It's sometimes necessary to stay up late to write essays or complete projects since it's better to be exhausted and get credit for the assignment than to sleep and lose the points that could make a difference between an A an a B, or a B and a C. But remember, if you can't concentrate, you won't do well on a performance based assignment. If you have a test the next day but you need to finish a project, coffee is your best friend, but be warned that once the caffeine wears off, you will probably be even more exhausted than before. C. During the test Take deep breaths while you're taking the test. Stay calm and pace yourself. When you're relaxed and when you sit up straight, you can remember things more easily. Also, your brain needs blood to think. Occasional deep breaths will oxygenate your blood more completely. Warnings: Do not cheat on the test! You will likely be caught cheating, and you may receive an "F" or a "0" on the test and might face further disciplinary action and it can/will follow you through life. It may also not be the right answer anyway. Always trust what you know. If you are going to study to Ace a test, why copy from a person who didn't necessarily study as hard as you? In conclusion, believe in yourself and do your best. Wishing you the very best!

Tips For Reading A Difficult Material Reading is not a difficult task especially if you have the general knowledge on how to read effectively. However, there comes a time when you may be presented with a difficult passage or book to read, and having only the primary reading knowledge may not be very helpful here. When reading difficult material, one has to find other ways that they can use to better understand whatever it is that they have to read. Comprehension when reading is very important as it is the essence of one reading. Depending on the reason one has in reading a particular article, book or passage, any individual should be able to know what the context entails. The reading culture has been common since time immemorial and the skills involved here is a basic requirement in most learning institutions. In such cases, learning how to read difficult texts is a must, since it is inevitable that at one point, one will have to engage in this type of reading. There are many things that one can do to tackle any reading assignment with much ease. These tips may be done alone, or they can be incorporated in reading a particular text. The first thing that any individual should do is to get a feel of how the work has been organized. Reading the table of contents of a book or passage ensures that the reader has a general knowledge of what is contained in the texts. This way the reader may know what to expect from the text beforehand. Additionally, if the text does not give the reader much information on the contents they can seek for further information from other sources. Another way of trying to understand a difficult text would be to look for the main ideas before reading the text. This can be seen in titles used, headings that can be found inside the passages and any diagrams, graphs or charts that one can find inside the passage. Although these may not give the reader a comprehensive guide to the passages context, it will help to understand where the text is leading to. While reading, it is good to look up that that do not seem to make sense even when the reader is trying to make out it's meaning from the way it has been used in the context. This may be one way that the reader can better understand the text. In the process of reading, it is advised that reader monitors his/her level of comprehension once in a while. Reading a difficult text is not like reading a novel, therefore, the reader should stop and ask themselves what they have learned from the passage that they have read. And, they need to connect their understanding with what they have already found out from other passages of the same text. If an idea is hard to comprehend, the reader has to go back and read it again, and if possible use their own words to make out meaning in the text. The text has to be read to the very end.

Dating the ideal mate: Instances and Advice If there are any bits of advice that I could give anyone who is looking for the ideal mate for themselves it is this: Ask questions of anyone you date and store their answers in your memory bank to see if the answers continue to be consistent with their actions. If somethingbappears to be a red flag, confront it and don’t let it slide as “It’s not that big of a deal.” Interact with the other person’s friends (in group settings) such as on camping trips or skiing trips or play interaction group type games. If possible spend time with the other person’s parents (and if there are any red flags, don’t ignore them, because their child is a product of their environment). If there are ways of seeing how the other person will handle pressure situations…put themin it (this way you are able to see how flexible they are or can be and how they will hold up under pressure), build a real friendship but stay out of bed, pray together, have similar values and interests in things, come to know the other person’s faults and know that you can accept them, watch to see how they treat their pets, and continue to interview right up to the last moments before marriage… And as hard as it may seem, if that inner voice from within tells you that you are making a mistake, at least stop and listen to it and be willing to pull the plug or at least put it on hold until things can be clarified in the relationship right up to the day of the wedding. It is my feeling that I would much rather be very embarrassed and cause hurt to both of us by putting things on hold or having to walk away fromthe relationship right up to the final days before the wedding, than suck it up, be a man, and live in misery for the rest of my life. Why marry when maybe in reality you knew deep down inside of you that things were not right or small things were adding up to be big things but you didn’t know how to confront themor you were afraid that you might hurt the other person by confronting her. A lot of this stuff will come to the surface through premarital counseling. Know ahead of time that some people are able to mask or hide things or if you don’t ask specific questions may feel that “If you didn’t ask, they didn’t lie.” As I look back in my dating over the years, I have come to realize how really naive I was in even trying to find out what questions I should ask or thinking that I really didn’t have the right to be asking certain questions until I was further into the relationship. There were some questions of which it didn’t even occur to me that I would have to ask a “Christian.” I assumed that she would have never have been into something that would be blatantly wrong that you would have to ask. Never assume anything! I now have a list of about 12 questions that I ask right from the beginning, and if they have problems with it, I would rather know now and save myself from becoming involved and the additional hurt fromhaving to break up later. These are questions that I would feel comfortable answering for someone who was interested in dating me. Even though in the past I have asked questions, I found that my list of questions was not complete (and I will continually be adding things to the list as experience dictates). A good example happened recently. I met a woman who enjoyed a number of activities I did and she claimed to be a Christian. After a number of dates we found that we were enjoying each other, and she invited me to go along with her and a group of her Christian friends to the mountains for a fishing trip. I found this setting absolutely invaluable for insights that I didn’t see while we were dating one on one. First I saw that her language changed when she was with her friends. Plus, she became more worldly in this atmosphere (flags started popping up). She then went into depression and wouldn’t open up to what the problemwas. Then when everybody was ready to go out for afternoon fishing, she decided that she wanted to go shopping instead of fishing. She talked one of her girlfriends into going along with her, which was fine. However, she and her girlfriend didn’t get back for dinner until 9 P.M.—drunk. Instead of going shopping, they went to the local mountain cowboy bar to go dancing and drinking. All that I could think of was “Thank You, Lord, for opening my eyes now.” A week later, she dropped by and proudly showed me an engagement ring. She let me know that the reason she acted the way she did on the trip was because she found that she was missing this great “Christian” guy that she had been living with for the past year and a half. She had forgotten to mention it when we had started dating. The fact that she had just broken up with hima few weeks earlier had slipped her mind. As I looked over my list of questions, I really thought that asking a “Christian” if they had been living with someone since they had become a “Christian” really wasn’t necessary, but rather an oxymoron. Like I said before, NEVER ASSUME. A friend of mine spends hours talking about everything including family background, vocation, interests, sports, friendship, their Christian faith, desire for children, sexual standards, and boundaries. After several conversations, then the decision to get together is made. Sometimes the contacts are by email. Here is an example of a letter written by a man to a response inquiry to his ad. The woman writing had given a general description and background of herself as well as a picture. Dear Jean, Thank you for your recent letter and for answering my ad in CSC. You probably, like myself, have found it difficult meeting quality Christians that have some of the same values and interests as yourself, so thank you for taking a chance. Please let me introduce myself to you. My name is John Smith, and I am the one who “loves the outdoors.” I’m 48 years old, young at heart and try to keep myself physically fit through playing racquetball twice a week and working out on other days. I play tennis whenever I can find a partner (and yes, I ampatient) and I enjoy hiking, mountain bike riding, and jogging through the hills behind my house when they don’t have it closed down from being a fire hazard. But what I really enjoy is being outdoors. I love to fish, camp, travel, horseback ride, boat and water ski (along with jet skiing) and snow skiing. I equally enjoy both mountains and beaches. When I have a chance, I love to fish Baja, Mexico (where the water is calmand you won’t turn too blue) in the winters and then stay in a friend’s cottage, on a small island in BC, Canada in the summers. When time allows I like to travel and camp through Utah, Wyoming, and Montana, sometimes wondering in which of these beautiful places I would like to live if I had a chance. It’s kind of fun to daydream! Professionally, I’m in the travel marketing business, where I represent lodges, resorts, hotels, airlines, B&B’s, and guest ranches to travel trade shows for travel agents, distributing their literature and brochures to the agents. I have also been involved with putting on a Sports, Vacation and RVShow at convention centers for the past 14 years. I am not dating just to be dating, and with some of the experiences that I have had, I didn’t think that you would have to ask a Christian some of these questions, but I was wrong. I have found that I should not take anything for granted. So, if you wouldn’t mind along with sending another photo of yourself (and if you do and this part doesn’t scare you off and you would care to pursue this further), please answer the following questions: 1. Have you ever been married? If so, for how long? 2. Is your divorce final, and when was it final? 3. How many times have you been married (including any annulments)? 4. Do you have any children and do they live with you? 5. Have you ever been involved in a relationship with a woman? 6. Since becoming a Christian, have you lived with a guy? 7. Are you a charismatic? 8. Are you democrat, republican or independent? 9. Are you pretribulation, post-tribulation, or neither? 10. To you, what are the five most important qualities that you want and look for in a mate (in order of importance)? 11. Do you smoke or use drugs? 12. And finally, who is Jesus to you and what does He mean to you in your life? It might not sound like it here, but I really ama fun guy and enjoy having a good time, but have had to become more cautious (through experience) in my online dating. I hope that I haven’t offended or blown you away in any way, but since you are new at this type of dating you might think of asking some of these questions or some of your own, as it could sure save you a lot of time and heartbreaks. And feel free to ask any questions of me, as I am a pretty open person.

The Social-Exchange Theory of finding your "perfect partner" Let’s consider your list in a new way, since the person you have described as the person you want to marry has a message for you. Is this person your equal or the opposite? Are you attracted to those who are as financially secure, educated, or as attractive as you? Are they on your level? Or do you tend to date “up” or “down”? It doesn’t mean you are identical, but there will be some trade-offs. A relationship tends to sustain itself when each person feels they are receiving something from the other person and perhaps more than they would receive in another relationship. If you are not getting that much from a relationship, you may leave it even if no one else is available. You’ve probably heard the phrase “He’s a good catch” or “She’s a good catch.” One of my close friends and fishing enthusiasts has his own variation on this phrase. He says as he begins a new relationship (using fishing lingo), “She’s a keeper.” This is what most people are looking for. The people you are most likely to date are those who have romantic desirability levels equal to yours. I don’t want to become theoretical on you, but I’ve been talking about the social-exchange theory. This theory states that even falling in love is not a happenstance event, but more of a deliberate process. The theory is that before you allow yourself to become involved with another person, you consciously or unconsciously try to discern if that person is your romantic equal. The majority of men and women use their perception of their own level of romantic desirability to determine the suitability of that other person. But there’s more. Reflect back on your past several relationships. Were the individuals distinctively different in their physical characteristics? Was there a wide variation in the way they looked, or were there more similarities than dissimilarities? Have you been attracted to those who tend to look alike or dissimilar? Many people after reflecting back have discovered a common theme of similar physical characteristics in their partners. Many have a picture in their mind of what their spouse-to-be should look like. Perhaps you do and it has been operating like radar scanning out prospective partners. If you have done this in the past and are just now becoming aware of it, is this what you really want? Are looks so high on your criteria list that this limits you fromfinding those people with other characteristics that are more important to you? That’s why it is so vital for you to write the descriptive paragraph about yourself. I know that some of you who are reading this willsay, “That’s too scientific, too calculating, too logical. It just doesn’t work like that!” Most people do not fall in love by chance. There’s more to it than meets the eye; it’s just not obvious. Many of the items on the “Must Have” list are the variables which will affect mate selection. It may sound unromantic, but there’s a lot more involved in romance and finding that right person than we realize. Who have you dated in the past? What were they like? How do they match up to who you are looking for now? Now, think back about some of your most pleasant relationships. Was the person more similar to you or dissimilar? Think about it. Even though you have your list of qualities, and you like certain physical characteristics, the most pleasant and productive romantic relationships tend to be with those who have similar beliefs, attitudes, and especially values. When you date someone and think you have found these three, be sure you investigate to see how long they’ve held them. These qualities may have been a quick recent acquisition in order to impress you, but there are no roots. How have you reacted to people that you’ve met socially or at work who don’t have the same beliefs, attitudes, and values, and are not a romantic possibility? Did you want to be around them? Did you want to invest time with them? Were you that comfortable with them? Most of us aren’t and, if that’s the case, why would anyone think they could spend the rest of their life with a person like that? Incompatibility in the area of beliefs, attitudes, and values is often fatal in a marriage. If you are in constant disagreement with your partner, that’s not very enjoyable. If your partner shares your beliefs and values, it draws you closer, rather than repelling you. When a person finally marries, does he choose a person just the opposite of himself? For years the statement “opposites attract” has been used to explain part of the attraction process. And yet the results of hundreds of studies of married couples indicate that, almost without exception, in physical, social, and psychological characteristics the mates are more alike than different. The exceptions, or those that appear to be exceptions, do not alter this overall tendency.

Initial Contacts—A Screening Process to finding Your “Perfect Partner” Let’s consider that “perfect partner” you’re looking for by considering some basic practical questions. Hopefully this process will lead you to a better understanding of what you want and what you don’t want in a marriage partner. Some people believe they can love someone before they know the person. The only thing you love with this belief is a fantasy. Lasting love is based on knowledge of a person and not on assumptions and dreams. It takes time and hundreds of hours of in-depth, revealing discussion. Conventional dating patterns actually waste time and prolong the process of getting to know one another. When you spend time together (if your purpose is to find a spouse), avoid time spent watching TV, movies, and plays. Interact with each other rather than be passively entertained. I suggest that the initial contacts could be used as a screening process. There are three phases to the screening. 1. Your first step is to determine if there is something special about the person. Are they worth more than a ten-minute conversation? If you’re unsure, is it worth investing more time to see if your initial impression is accurate? If not, don’t waste your time. 2. Are the person’s values and goals compatible with yours? Imagine how their values and goals would affect you over the next ten years. Could you live with them for the rest of your life? If not, why waste your time! 3. Marriage is social. Your spouse doesn’t just relate to you, but to others. Does the way this person relates to others meet your standards or expectations? Are you embarrassed by what they do? Do you have to explain away their behavior or excuse it to others? If so, do you want a lifetime of this? Some might say, “Where does God and the leading of His Spirit fit into this? Isn’t this taking the choice out of His hands? What about His will for my life?” Have you ever considered that taking these steps could enable you to better discover His will? That’s a good possibility. You may find other people saying to you, “Be realistic. If you’re going to find someone to marry, you’d better adjust those standards. The man or woman you want exists in only one spot—your mind!” It’s true you have to be realistic, but our society is filled with those who didn’t marry the person they wanted; they simply settled. The problem is more in not clarifying what you want in advance, searching, finding, building a solid relationship, and experiencing the rigors of premarital counseling. Once you identify those items you must have, don’t allow yourself to waver or think, “It’s not that important.” Just remember it was and probably still is important. One man in his 30s shared an interesting insight: Norm, I had my list of what I wanted, but then one day I met this woman who didn’t have any of the six qualities that I said were “Must Haves.” I fell for her. The attraction was intense. We started going together and it was great. I wondered why I didn’t miss those qualities. Six months later, the attraction was subsiding and there wasn’t much left. It was then that I saw how those qualities would have kept us together. I also realized it was also a case of meeting the wrong person at the right time. I dated around for two years and one day Jean and I met. You’ll never guess where—in the checkout line when I ran over her foot with my grocery cart! It was worth the wait. Be patient. Wait. This is what one man shared with me: It seems like I have been waiting all my life for God to bring the right person into my life for marriage. I had waited until the age of 33 and thought that the Lord had brought that right person into my life for marriage. We had dated for almost a year and had become what I had thought the best of friends. But as I look back now, I can see that I was very shallow in my observations and questions that I had in dating in general. I thought if the other person said that they were a born-again Christian, then that was what they meant. I really didn’t think I’d have to look or dig any deeper or question what their beliefs really were. As we dated, I continued to run through red flags. I didn’t relate to themas being red flags, though, until I looked back after the divorce and wondered how I could have missed many of them. I also realized some of them were so hidden within her that they didn’t come to the surface until after the divorce. It has now been over seven years since the divorce. As I look back and see how my ideals and expectations have changed, I am so grateful to the Lord that I didn’t meet anyone or fall in love in the first several years. I can see that even though I felt that I was ready, I wasn’t even close to being ready for remarriage. I must admit, it has been lonely at times and it would be wonderful to have that special person to share things with, but I am glad that I have not married or settled for less than what I really am wanting and looking for. I have had friends tell me to just pray and the Lord will provide, but I don’t think that it is always that easy. I totally believe in the power of prayer, and sometimes people do meet their spouses in the grocery store or in Sunday school. But if you are not finding her there, yes, you need to pray, but you must get out and leave no stones unturned if a mate is what you are really looking for. It is kind of like looking for the Lord’s direction in finding a job. You don’t say a prayer and just sit by the phone and wait for it to ring. You have to go out and knock on doors and genuinely seek employment. At the same time you have to know what type of work that you are looking for. And in searching for the right mate you have to know ahead of time, to a degree, what you are looking for, your expectations and what your negotiable(s) and non-negotiable(s) are in a mate and in a relationship. For me, in leaving no stones unturned I have attended church singles’ groups, Christian singles’ dances, networked with friends with some of their friends, had a nice Christian yenta lady looking for me, and have tried Christian singles’ connection ads. I have found that all of these things have merit, and I have met a number of wonderful ladies. However, I have also met a number of strange ladies, so one must use discernment and not be embarrassed in asking questions. I’ve seen numerous couples who have experienced the “three-to-sixmonth syndrome.” They had an instant attraction to one another and it was intense—almost overwhelming. They just clicked. Sometimes they say, “It was as though I knew this person all of my life…and we just met!” The relationship builds rapidly, and they’re in love. The topic of marriage is hinted at occasionally, and it flits in and out of their conversation from time to time. But the longer they go together…something happens. Perhaps one isn’t as eager as the other or one withdraws a bit or one doesn’t pursue with the same fervor. The romantic high seems to be a bit tarnished. They begin to struggle with some issues that have emerged, and now they have to work at the relationship for the first time. Instead of being totally impressed with their partner, they are scrutinizing and appraising them. My response to this is “Wonderful!” This is great! This is positive. Now you have the opportunity to see the other person for who they really are. Now the relationship has an opportunity to grow. It is possible to have standards that are too high. And sharing your list or vision of who you want to marry with trusted friends may help bring your expectations in line.

The second time: What do I need to know? Norm, I’m getting married…again. What do I need to know?” This is a common question, an imposing question, and an overwhelming question. It certainly needs and deserves an answer. You may be the one marrying again or you may be marrying someone who is getting married again. Or it could be this chapter doesn’t pertain to you at all. If not, it may be useful to one of your friends. What is shared in the next several pages is not meant to discourage or dishearten you about a marriage in which one person has been married before. It’s simply to prepare you beforehand so you can be fully aware and in charge of your life and your new relationship. If you’re ready to marry again it means you have emerged from that dark, cluttered, frightening valley which most people experience during and after a divorce. Hopefully you’ve been able to rearrange your life without assaults from your former spouse. So many divorces I’ve seen remind me of a country that divides into two, but one carries on guerrilla warfare attacks upon the other. In many cases, divorce can leave you with a terrible sense of failure and guilt. Finding your way back to stability can leave you either shattered, questioning your sanity and your abilities, or it can leave you stronger and wiser. You won’t be the same person you were in your first marriage. The time between marriages is an extremely significant time in your life, especially for your future. Recuperation from any serious trauma is never easy, and for a while it often involves two steps forward and one step back. Stages of Recuperation Following your divorce you very possibly went through four different stages. The first one was “Remembering the Pain.” At that point in time, if a thought about a new relationship came to mind it could have been like pouring salt in an open cut—it hurt too much. Your divorce may have been too recent and painful. Whenever you saw a couple together who appeared happy, an entire onslaught of feelings emerged. You felt like half a person. Then you moved into a new stage of “Single Again Acceptance.” Your pain diminished, and you held your head above water to see what this new world was like. You discovered you were not alone, but you may have felt fragile. Question after question came to mind—“How do I relate to others again? Where did I go wrong? Can I attract someone? Who would want me?” A new and deep commitment was inconceivable. The greatest danger at that time was sex. To feel wanted and close again could have conflicted with your Christian values. In the third stage of “Searching and Selective,” you began to feel whole again and you became interested in finding someone. You were comfortable with time alone, and you made yourself more available. But you would tend to evaluate each new person carefully. You were not ready for a commitment yet, but you may have wanted to move toward a close relationship. The last stage is where you said, “Yes, I’m ready!” You began functioning as a whole person, and marriage began to look more attractive than remaining single. You allowed a relationship to proceed at its own pace. You were ready for a commitment when the risk of that step was less to be feared than not taking it. Often it takes three to four years after a divorce for this to occur. If it happens in the first year, it’s too soon. Waiting gives you the opportunity to learn to find and love a whole person rather than half a person. I think it would be safe to say that every person entering a second marriage after a divorce is hoping and expecting it to be better than the first one. Hopefully this desire will prompt them to take every step possible to make that wish a reality. Here are a few hidden expectations of new spouses that have been shared with me over the years. If any of them sound like yours, get them out of hiding: 1. My new spouse will make me far happier than my former spouse did. 2. My new spouse will be totally different from my former spouse. 3. My new spouse will always understand me. 4. My new spouse will have none of the bad habits of my former spouse. 5. My new spouse will be a better parent than my former spouse. 6. My new spouse will never disappoint me. 7. My new spouse will never handle money as poorly as my former spouse. 8. My new spouse will make me a better person and make me happy. 9. My new spouse will make all the pain and hurt from my previous marriage go away. 10. My new spouse is perfect. If any about-to-be current second-marriage spouses knew that the above were expectations for them, they would probably leave the country. Hope for the Second Marriage I’ve been encouraged by those who have spent months preparing by attending second marriage premarital preparation courses as well as being involved in individual premarital counseling sessions. But other individuals just seem to waltz into their next marriage assuming it will be better. But a second marriage is not any easier than a first; it is harder. Not only that, it’s much more complicated. If you thought your first marriage took effort, you may be surprised what happens now. In a first marriage, you didn’t have to share your partner with anyone else, nor did your partner have to share you with anyone. But if either or both have children, you may end up with 50 to 75 percent less time and energy to devote to the building of your new marriage. And in one sense a second marriage is similar to a first marriage—the initial year is the most important when it comes to bonding and building a relationship. But with less time available, it may take much longer. As you approach a second marriage, have you given any consideration as to why the divorce rate for second marriages is higher than for first marriages? There are some identifiable reasons. It may help to keep these in mind. Here are some of the factors that cause second marriages to fail. Frequently a person’s second marriage is meant to punish the first partner and absolve the punishing partner of blame. There is pressure to make the second marriage work. There may be feelings of having to make up for the lacking areas in the first marriage, and a number of “musts” and “shoulds” are set up which can cripple the marriage. Rushing into a new marriage is one of the best ways for it to fail. Some second marriages fail because of a repetition compulsion—choosing the same kind of partner again or repeating some of the same bad habits. Failure to learn from the first time around will contaminate a new marriage.

Major Adjustment Issues in remarriages Here are some of the major issues of remarriage families. These are not presented to threaten or scare you but to enlighten you and help you make the necessary preparations and adjustments needed to have a successful relationship. You may even be surprised by some of these items, but they have been found to be very significant. One of the issues is what name is used for the new parent. Each family has to work out a comfort level for each member. First of all, what does a child call you—an “additional” or “substitute” parent? Children often prefer to think in terms of “new father” and “old father” or “real father.” Or they could say “first” or “second.” Stepchildren not only have difficulty with the label “step” but they may also struggle with their mother’s last name, which may now be different fromtheir own. The expression of love and af ection to a new parent is not easy to resolve, because it involves feelings of loyalty or alliance to their own absent parent. A stepparent will probably experience both positive and negative feelings from the children. Some children may become close to the stepparent and others remain distant. The loss of the natural parent will generate a grief reaction. If family members are still working through their grief response when a new (or several) family members enter the family, both the recovery and the bonding in the new relationship will be delayed. Most people in our society do not know how to grieve, nor do those around themknow how to assist them in the process. Many remarriage family members believe that feelings of love and af ection can develop easily in the family relationships. This does not usually happen, and a high level of expectation for this occurring can generate a strong sense of disillusionment in the new marriage. It will take a significant amount of time. If you are going to become a blended family, consider these things that will probably be part of your experience. What usually happens when families are blended is: 1. You will spend a great deal of time patching the wounds of fragmented family members. 2. You will come to dread that part of the holidays when children pass each other in airports. 3. You will have more spare toys, blankets, towels, and sleeping bags in your home than you know what to do with. 4. Some days, you will wonder what children belong to what parent on what planet. 5. You will quickly tire of being the “bad guy” stepparent. 6. You will want all children to become wards of the court when it comes to dispensing discipline. 7. You will tire of hearing children say, “My real father [mother] said I could do…” 8. You will be loved and unloved in the same minute some days. 9. You will expect God to give all stepparents a castle free of kids in heaven. A fifth issue is the disappointment that children experience when their dreams and fantasies of their parents reconciling fail to materialize. The fact of a second marriage puts an end to any of their hopes. Even years after a divorce, children entertain these dreams. If children are especially close to the noncustodial parent and hang onto dreams of their parents working it out, the new marriage is likely to experience difficulties. The number one problemin remarriages in which there are children are the conflicts over discipline. Some stepparents stay inattentive and disengaged—that doesn’t work. Some become actively involved and overly restrictive—that doesn’t work. Others remain tentative, and that doesn’t work. What does work, then? The approach that works is a slow, gentle, flexible approach in which a friendship is developed to gain a child’s participation. The biological parent, however, should take the lead with the stepparent supporting them. But this only works when you talk about it in advance. Another adjustment is sibling conflicts. If the children are still upset and angry over their parents’ divorce, there will be friction between the step-siblings. These relationships are critical to the success of blended families. The better the relationships between step-siblings, the better the total family harmony. Within a blended family you will find competition for a time. There is usually an unequal time distribution, and the children often feel they have been forced to choose between the stepparent and the biological parent. The greater the number of newly acquired family members, the greater the complexity of the relationships. The more people there are, the harder it is to find yourself in the system. As one new husband and stepfather said, “It’s like I married into a crowd that’s always milling around, and it’s not only hard to know where you fit, it’s also hard to get some alone time.” A remarriage family also has a greater potential for inappropriate sexual behavior. This may occur between step￾siblings or, unfortunately, between a stepparent and a stepchild. Sometimes the sexual tension, fantasies, and anxieties can create tension and anger which can disrupt normal day-to-day functioning. Children experience emotional turmoil when they shift back and forth fromtheir home to their other biological parent and back again. They will experience disruption for several days, because the exit and entry time expands beyond the time of visitation. There’s both a time of preparation and a time of recovery after the return home. Often this disruption is observable in school. Feelings of guilt, loss, and a need to grieve are normal responses to this adjustment. Because a remarriage with children means instant family, any marital problems are going to be compounded. There is no opportunity to consider the marital relationship first. But if the stepparent-children relationship works out, it has a positive effect upon the marriage. Money problems could be an issue, and it’s common to have conflicts over child support, spousalsupport, wills, trusts, distribution of future assets, payment for a daughter’s wedding, prenuptials, etc. One other concern is the continued influence of the noncustodial parent in childrearing practices. If all the parents do not cooperate, a child feels this stress. The sooner the remarriage follows the divorce, the more competition there is between parents. In spite of all the adjustments, problems, and multiple relationships, a remarriage can be a fulfilling time in which each person can find what they were always seeking in marriage. By planning, praying, and being persistent in working through issues, it can work. I’ve seen it happen time and time again. Make it happen. It's your choice!

Getting remarried - what a second marriage entails A second marriage is different from a first for a number of reasons. In a remarriage there is usually another cast of characters in addition to the two of you, and the possibilities for problems are unlimited. You are also becoming involved with your spouse’s family of origin, their previous spouse and their family, children from the first marriage, and also friends. The relationships expand as you each bring your own children into the arena. You’re related now emotionally and by law. What if the previous ex of your new spouse remarries? You’ll hear about themas well as have them in your life, too. In a sense you could be marrying into one huge extended family with a number of people neither of you cares about. But you’re stuck with them! And there are numerous outside pressures that will be new to you. They’ll come at you from all sides from parents, neighbors, families, jobs, school, and former family members. You’ll hear comments which range from positive to negative. “Oh, you’re Bob’s new wife. Well, I hope you can handle his kids better than ‘she’ did,” or “Well, Jim, I certainly hope you give Laura a hand with the finances. I think that would help her get her accounts in order as well.” Even your new spouse’s parents may have some advice or warning statements for you. There will be others who resent you, dislike you, compare you, love you, ignore you, and accept you. The possibilities are endless. Some could praise you, frighten you, undermine you, or welcome you with open arms. I’ve seen it all. One remarried man said, “My former wife is still in my life and tries to mess it up. She poisons the children’s minds about my new wife and has spread stories about her to the neighbors. Now the kids wonder who they are to believe!” Keep in mind that in a first marriage there are fewer people involved than in a remarriage, and the feelings are much less complicated. When you first married, how did your parents respond? Probably they were either sad or glad. With a second marriage there may be hesitation, reservations, or worry over whether this marriage will work out or not. And if there are going to be stepchildren involved, the apprehension can be even greater on their part. Consider this possibility: Your children or stepchildren-to-be will wonder where they fit into this family and how they will get along with the new family members. I’ve seen second marriages dissolve because one of the children hated the stepparent so much he would never let the parents be alone while he was in the house. He would interrupt their conversations and actually step between them when they were talking. Perhaps your parents or your ex-partner’s parents will be upset about your plans to remarry and worry over not seeing the grandchildren as much. Perhaps the ex-spouse will be concerned that you’ll want custody, financial help, and visitation changes. Or perhaps they will want these things! Perhaps an ex-spouse will give you a wedding present of having your children or your new partner’s children come to live with you. It’s happened before. Keep in mind that people bring routines into a remarriage that were developed with a former spouse. A new spouse may be expected to know and accept these routines. What if you or your new spouse has a close relationship with a parent of a former spouse and wants to maintain that relationship? How will that affect a new marriage? People tend to bring memories into a remarriage, both positive and negative. When everything is going well with your new partner, your memories of the previous relationship are negative. You recall the shortcomings. But when things are not going well with your new partner, you may tend to idealize the former relationship. Remarriages can be fertile ground for comparison. And if either or both of you bring children into the relationship, there will be a multitude of adjustments. Let me make some initial suggestions based on more than 30 years of counseling married, divorced, and premarital individuals and couples. I make these suggestions out of a desire for you to have the fulfilling relationship you are seeking. It could very well be that the next series of suggestions, comments, and questions could be bothersome or even offensive, but they are meant to bring a sense of realism into your future. If your former spouse has not remarried, have you considered or attempted reconciliation, or is that door thoroughly closed? Is getting married again something that you believe is the will of God for your life? Could you explain the reasons for your answer? Have you participated in an intensive divorce recovery workshop program and completed all the requested assignments? Before beginning any new relationship, this is a must. It will take time and effort on your part to complete this, but it’s essential for recovery. The difficulty is often finding such an opportunity. Many smaller churches or even middle￾sized ones don’t have such a ministry, and in small communities it’s even more difficult to find this kind of workshop. Fortunately a complete divorce recovery program is now available on video with an accompanying workbook called Divorce Care. Even if you have never been married before, if you are marrying someone who has, it would be beneficial for you to sit in on a recovery program or use the Divorce Care series. The greater your depth of understanding about the complexity of divorce and recovery, the greater your chances of developing a healthy relationship. By the way, if you have experienced a divorce and have recovered, be cautious about dating someone who is recently divorced. They tend to look to you to rescue them, and you may be dealing with a rebounder.

Hazardous Relationship 2 (Prebounders) There is a second type of situation that is hazardous to the health of a future marriage. I haven’t known what to call it until recently. One author called themprebounders. They’re very similar to the rebounder except they are still involved in their current relationship while they’re looking for a new one. Once they are assured of a new partner, then they decide what to do about the present one. But who’s to say that they might not give up the former relationship and keep two going at once? I’ve seen as many as five at one time. And if problems occur between the two of you, it’s quite easy for themto return to their former partner. Now you’re the one left out in the cold. Here are some questions which would be helpful for you and your future if you know the honest answers. You may need to find creative ways to discuss them with your new interest. It’s also vital that you answer them honestly for yourself. The questions pertain to “Is it really over?” 1. How frequently do you think about your former partner and in what way? Is it negative or positive? 2. How frequently do you have contact with your former partner and in what way? What is the purpose? What feelings do you experience on these occasions? 3. In what ways are you similar to this former partner? 4. On a scale of 0 to 10, to what extent do you have a fear that this past relationship may repeat itself again? 5. On a scale of 0 to 10, to what extent do you experience guilt over the previous relationship? How might this guilt be affecting you in building a relationship with another individual? 6. On a scale of 0 to 10, to what extent do you have anger toward the previous relationship? If there is anger, what can be done to resolve it? I know. You may be thinking, “We could never discuss these.” But at some time you can. Not only that, you need to. After all, it’s your future. You will discover the answer one way or another. It can happen directly or in a way that could disrupt your relationship. If you are involved with a rebounder or prebounder, you’re being used as a crutch. Keep in mind that when a broken leg heals, the crutch is discarded. It’s something to consider. Think of it in this way. If you go to a new medical doctor, what does he do to help you? First, he takes a medical history with some questions that don’t always seemto pertain to the ailment you brought to his attention. But in order to properly evaluate you, the doctor needs the total picture. If you seek out a therapist for counseling, in some way or another you are asked to share your past history. A therapist wants to deal not only with the present problem, but also with how it developed and how it affects you. That way he can better help you. Evaluating a potential mate isn’t much different and is important for your future. Before you consider moving into a possible longterm relationship with someone and possibly marriage, let’s consider the “I don’t need these kinds of problems” issues. If the problems are present at this time, you may want to consider them as either a caution or “stop the relationship” sign.

Hazardous Relationship 1 (Rebounders) Warning: There are two types of situations which are definitely hazardous to the health of a future marriage. You’ve heard about one of thembefore, especially if you’re a basketball fan. In fact in this sport it is to a team’s advantage to have players who excel in this particular skill. It’s called rebounding. A basketball is shot toward the basket, but it bounces off the rimand a player leaps high into the air and grabs “the rebound” so his teamhas possession (or retains possession) and can move toward the basket. Catching the rebound in basketball is positive. Catching a person on the rebound is not! I see it all the time. A dating relationship is broken or a marriage is broken because of death or divorce, and very soon the person is involved with a new person. Often the rebounder is in intense pain over their loss and instead of experiencing the loss and grief on their own, they attempt to cover some of the pain by attaching to a new person in their life. The positive feelings are much more positive than the ache of the empty place in their life. In a sense, the other person is being used as an anesthetic by the rebounder to numb some of their hurt. You may be healthy and able to commit to a relationship at this time, but they aren’t there yet. Rebounders enter into premature involvements which hinder them from healing and contaminate their new relationship. Both people need to be stable and healthy for a relationship to have a chance. If a person is now single because of the death of a spouse, was it a lingering, longterm terminal illness that led to the death? If so, there could have been a great deal of anticipatory grieving, and the person could recover much more rapidly following the death. But if not, it usually takes an average of two years for the grieving to occur after what we call natural death. But if it was an accidental death, it usually takes three years; suicide, four years; and death by homicide, usually five years. This is why grief-recovery groups are important before moving into a new relationship. When a divorce occurs and the person is the rejected one, not only is there the loss of the relationship, but there is the pain of the rejection as well. Too often the person is moving into relationships before the divorce is even final. Numerous times men and women going through divorce have asked me if it’s all right for themto date yet. I usually toss the question back to themby asking, “In the eyes of the state and God, are you single or married?” When they admit the truth (it may take a while for this to occur), tell them, “If you’re still married, then you’re not eligible to date yet. Once you’re divorced, attend and complete a divorce-recovery group. Then wait at least a year before even considering dating. You won’t be ready until at least that time. If you get into relationships before that time, you’re probably rebounding and looking for someone out of pain and need rather than from a healthy choice.” Many counselees don’t want to hear this. But those who remarry too soon are another divorce casualty waiting to happen. Perhaps the kind of rebounding often found in broken relationships is best illustrated by throwing a racquetball against the wall of a small roomin your home. It bounces erratically back and forth from wall to wall. One young woman described the process in my counseling office: I feel as though I’m on a combination merry-go-round, bumper car, and roller coaster all rolled up into one. I have to be on the go constantly or I think I’ll go bananas. I’m always doing something and jumping into one relationship after another—and unfortunately, one bed after another. I don’t like myself for doing this, and it makes me feel even worse about the relationship I lost. I’ve decided to find some more constructive things to do with my time and to stay home on Thursday and Friday night each week to prove that I’mable to do it. It hurts, but I think I’ll recover by doing this and I’m sure I can grow through this experience. I don’t want to be chained to him forever, and I think I have been. Some may be ready for a relationship earlier than others, but you need to ask this question, “AmI being considered for who I am, a unique person they’re interested in pursuing for me, or am I looked at as a cure?” The other question is, “AmI looking at the person I’minterested in as a cure, or amI regarding them for who they really are?” How can you tell, though, if this new person in your life is a rebounder? First of all, before you invest too much time, discuss yours and his/her last relationship. If it was longterm, either dating or marriage, go into detail about the type of relationship, what caused the termination, how long ago, what he/she has done to recover, and how this person is doing in their adjustment. This is not being intrusive, but safe and practical. You may want to discover how similar or dissimilar you are to their former partner. I have seen many people choose men or women just like their former partners, defects and all. These replacements will probably be just as disappointing as the previous partners were. But something drives them to prove that they can have relationships with people like this. Perhaps it is to prove to themselves and their former partners that the defect wasn’t in them. This is why many daughters who have nonaffirming, aloof, distant fathers choose husbands who are very much like their fathers. The similarities could be in personality characteristics, behavior, values, beliefs, etc. Before any person can move ahead with a new relationship, it’s necessary to say good-bye to the former person. It’s the final step in the stages of grieving over a relationship. More will be said about this in a later chapter. tend to manifest certain characteristics, and if you see these in the other person, be cautious. If the other person has requests or demands which lead to major change in your life without your receiving need fulfillment, that’s a warning sign. It could be a rebound symptomor an ingrained personality trait. In either case, it’s not healthy for you. Often rebounders use projection to ease the pain of their breakup. They heap blame upon their former partner and focus on his/her negative traits (which we all have). This tendency may keep them from seeing or assuming their part in the breakup. If they continue to bad-mouth their former partner as your relationship is building, they are still emotionally involved with the former partner, but with negative feelings. The anger which is there could lead to resentment, which can create a bitterness not just toward the original source, but perhaps to other people in their life and even you. You may want to discover who else they have blamed in their life for their misfortunes. You certainly don’t want to be an addition in their trophy case of “bad guys.” Another way to numb yourself from the pain of the loss, especially if you were the one rejected, is to deny your former partner’s good points. Statements such as these deaden the pain of the loss: “You know, that person really had a lot of problems and defects. She or he wasn’t who or what they said they were. I’m better off in the long run finding someone else.” Another question for you to consider is whether this person is the one who broke it off with his/her former partner or if he/she was the one rejected. In either case, has this been a pattern over the years? Where is their former partner now? Are they dating someone in a new relationship or married again? If so, amI the first person my new partner has had an interest in or have there been others? If you are the first one, why have they waited until now to pursue a new relationship?

Getting into a relationship: Where to Begin Looking Where does a person begin? Look around you. Where do you live? In an apartment complex? If so, what kind of get-togethers do they have? If they have some, are they the kind you’re comfortable with or are they too wild? Why not create your own? I’ve seen groups started in companies and apartments for Christian singles’ Bible studies as well as social events. If you can find two or three others, all of you could work toward this goal by sending out information. In a one-mile radius around your home, what are the stores, the shops, the entertainment possibilities? Do you ever walk or jog in your neighborhood either on the sidewalks or at a school facility? Remember a key factor: Put yourself in a place where you’re most likely to find the person that fits your most-wanted list! We’ll come back to this point again and again. Will the places suggested here meet this factor? That’s for you to decide. Sometimes having some assistance helps you meet others, whether walking in a residential area, at an outdoor mall, on the beach, or anyplace near you where there are people. What am I talking about? Several years ago I got a golden retriever. I have walked him all over the place, including every local spot mentioned above. Because of the striking appearance and outgoing personality of Shadow (my dog), I’ve met dozens of people I probably never would have otherwise. My dog acts as a magnet and draws people of all ages. Then he becomes the point of contact and friendships even on the block where I’ve lived for a long time. Speaking of dogs, a friend of mine used to take his Labrador puppy to the beach with him. One day he noticed a very attractive woman standing by the water in a two-piece bathing suit. As he sat there watching her, he began to mull over how he could meet her. But while he was thinking, his dog took matters into his own paws. The dog headed toward the water, angled toward the woman, and when he arrived proceeded to hike his hind leg and relieve himself on her leg. She was not too happy about this turn of events. There are better and safer ways for an introduction. Another place to meet possible partners is at work or work￾related activities. This occurs through the process of networking. Some people don’t like to have friends or relatives either suggest a possible partner or introduce them to someone. Sometimes other people can be very intrusive into our lives, especially when they are pushy and incessant. They make statements like, “I just know that the two of you will hit it off ” or “This is the perfect one for you” or “I’ve told him all about you and he can’t wait to meet you.” As if they’re experts on you! When you hear comments like the first two statements, you might shift the responsibility back to them and respond with, “Tell me why you think we’ll hit it off.” You could also say, “I appreciate your thinking about me in this way and I’ll consider this possibility. You realize, though, it may not work out for some reason. And if so, you probably won’t know why. Is that all right with you?” Some of you may want this assistance from other people. If you do, don’t leave it up to random selection on the part of those on your search committee. Why not create a “wanted” poster giving a description of the type of person you’re seeking. Give your friends some guidance to go by, and it will save you some time. I have a friend in her 30s. I’ve introduced her to several Christian men, one of whom she dated for a while. She was appreciative of the help, even though at the time of this writing she’s still looking. My daughter married at the age of 27 after two previous engagements. She was a manicurist at a hair and nail salon. One day when she went to work she walked in and glanced over at one of her Christian friends who was in the process of cutting a young man’s hair. She noticed they were both staring at her, so she walked over to them and said, “What’s going on?” The young man looked at her and said, “We’ve just been talking about you.” The hairdresser said, “Yes, I have been telling Bill that he needs to take you out on a date since you don’t have any weird diseases.” Sheryl said she turned red! They laughed and chatted a bit more. After he left, Sheryl took Jan in the back room and asked who he was. Jan told her that she’d been cutting his hair for the past four years, he was a Christian, and needed to have a date with her. Sheryl told her to give him her phone number, and the rest is history. They were married! Something like this could work for you. There are times in my counseling office when a person will say, “Where do I go to meet people?” I have two stock questions to ask in reply: “What do you enjoy doing?” and “What would you enjoy doing with a marriage partner?” Go to those places that would give you things in common with the person you marry. If you’re into art, visit galleries and exhibits. Consider bookstores, libraries, swap meets, video stores—or even the Laundromat. One writer suggested that women go to supermarkets early in the evening, since men tend to shop earlier. And when you go to the Laundromat, take extra bleach and fabric softener since men tend to forget these items! If you’re a real time-saver or time-oriented person, what I’m going to suggest may stress you somewhat. I know that many busy people try to hit stores or even sports clubs when they are least crowded. But that won’t work when you’re trying to meet others. Go at the busiest time, since there are more people there, especially in the Laundromat. And above all, talk to people. Take a book with you, but not to read. If you’re hoping to meet a Christian, take a Christian-oriented book with you or wear something with a distinctively Christian message on it. Both of these attract attention and are discussion-starters. A Christian man or woman has a much smaller pool of possibilities to choose from, so it’s important to find places or events where other Christians gather. You may either live in an area which is limited in population or attend a church that is quite small. It could be there are no singles’ groups in your own church or even in your area. You may out of necessity be the person who could assist in developing such a group. Singles’ conferences, both regional and local, can be a source of contact. If your church doesn’t have a ministry to singles, begin calling other churches. In larger metropolitan areas there are numerous churches which have well-developed programs for singles, and those who attend are not just from that local church. They come from dozens of other churches just for the opportunity to be ministered to and to meet people. There is nothing wrong in looking to church singles’ groups to meet a prospective partner. That’s part of the purpose of these groups. One husband who had been married for 33 years shared with me how he met his wife at a church. Through college he dated but hadn’t found anyone. Now that he was out of the college department at his church and moving into business, he decided he wanted to get married. He said, “I was spiritually immature at that time, so I put out a ten-minute fleece to the Lord about finding a wife. I was sitting in church when I said, ‘Lord after this service, I’m going to go down to the college department, and if there is a woman there to be my wife, have her walk toward me.’ I went down to the college department and started looking over the women there row by row. It was a cross between Death Valley and the Dead Sea. I was getting discouraged when I saw this woman walking away from me. All I could see was her back, but I knew she was a real possibility. I met her, and six weeks later we were engaged.”

Single And Worried? --- The Values Of Singleness Consider what Tim Stafford has said about singleness: God may want you to be single. He wants everyone to be single for at least a part of life. And the Bible doesn’t talk about singleness as second-rate. In fact, it speaks of it positively. In the Middle Ages Christians went too far, and marriage was regarded as second-rate. We seem to have swung the other way now, and need to balance in the middle. Both marriage and singleness are gifts from God. Ponder for a minute one fact:Jesus Christ, our Lord, never married. He never had sexual intercourse. Yet He was perfect, and perfectly fulfilled. He lived the kind of life we want to imitate. That doesn’t mean we ought to all want to be single: there’s no doubt marriage is the best way for most men and women. But it should say one thing for certain:singleness need not be unhappy. Paul wasn’t married either, at least not at the height of his career. He wrote recommending the single life in 1 Corinthians 7, calling it a gift. (Strange that this is the one gift most would prefer to exchange.) And Jesus Himself, in Matthew 19:10-12, talks positively about the reasons some people should remain unmarried… One of the saddest things I see, then, is the tendency for single people to live life as though waiting for something or someone to happen to them. They act as though they are in limbo, waiting to become capable of life when the magic day at the altar comes. Of course, they’re usually disappointed. In some cases they become such poor specimens of humanity that no one wants to marry them. More often they do get married only to discover that they haven’t received the key to life: the initiative and character they should have developed before marriage is exactly what they need in marriage. And they are still lonely and frustrated… Our culture, especially our Christian culture, has stressed repeatedly that a good marriage takes work. It holds up for admiration those who have formed “a good marriage.” But I’ve seldom heard anyone emphasize the fact that a good single life also takes work. I’ve never heard anyone compliment a person for having created a good single lifestyle. This creates an atmosphere in which telling single people they have received a gift is rather like convincing a small child that liver ought to taste good, because it’s “good for you.” Singleness, as I see it, is not so much a state we’ve arrived at as an open door, a set of opportunities for us to follow up. Charles Cerling suggests the following thoughts to determine if singleness is for you: 1. Recognize that singleness may be for a period of time (for example, until you are 30), rather than for all of your life. 2. Recognize that it is easier to decide that singleness is not for you and get married than to realize you should have remained single once you are married. 3. Are you able to live with the idea that you might remain single all your life? 4. Is your desire to serve God complicated by the thought of a marriage partner? 5. Are you able to enjoy yourself without feeling the need for a lot of dates? 6. Could you live out the conditions of a vow to God to remain single for a period of time (for example, one year, five years, etc.) without seriously dating? 7. Do you see the advantages of singleness outweighing the advantages of marriage? 8. Do you see God calling you to a form of service that would be difficult if you were married (for example, work in the inner city, work in primitive mission projects)? 9. Are you willing to live with the stigma of being single if this is what God wants? 10. If you think singleness is for you, try it for a specific period of time. (Go for one year without a date, devoting your normal dating time to serving God.) If you fail, there should be no thought of having fallen out of favor with God. This is just an experiment. It is similar to trying to go to the mission field and finding that you can’t. You can still serve God effectively wherever you are. However, you should be as open to God’s call to single living as you are to any other call He might give you. What do you think about his suggestions? One thoughtful woman shared her experience with me in a letter. My dating experience has been vast indeed considering the fact that I am now 41 years old and still unmarried. Not only is the experience deep, I would say it is also very broad—the sheer variety in men I have either dated or ended up having more serious relationships with is quite staggering when I think back on the various personalities. Still after all that, I have not yet been motivated by any particular relationship to commit myself to a man for my lifetime. Possibly that has been a matter of where I was in my own personal growth or possibly it was a matter of not having yet met the man I will marry. Being such a romantic it will be a hard reality to look back and find that marriage was not in the plan for me, but I have never quite been able to accept that thought as coming from the Lord so I am still hoping to find the man of my dreams… It is important to come to grips with the reality that marriage may not happen. I guess I say that because I’ve watched so many of my friends pine away for a man and put their life on hold until they were married, only to still not be married or eventually marry into a relationship that was less than fulfilling. Having observed that phenomenon for many years, I decided to live my life no matter who was or was not in it: friends, family, dating relationships, career, etc. There is so much in life to experience that I would hate to miss all that life offers waiting for someone to share it with. Better I think to live it as best you can hoping always for a companion, but learning to deal with all the feelings and realities that are present when you are by yourself. Besides I think men and women who have truly resolved some of the issues of being alone and creating a life that can stand apart from an intense connection with another person, may make the happiest and healthiest marriage partners anyway. Singleness is only a problem when you want to be married, but you resist it and don’t know why. You end up being stuck. If you were to get married in the next year, what changes would occur in your life? Make a list of the benefits and then make a list of the negatives.

God's Help and Mercy is Sufficient Psalms 136:24 And hath redeemed us from our enemies: for his mercy endureth for ever. The mercy of God is His softhearted and forgiving disposition towards the sinful or the unworthy. It's by His mercy that we are not consumed (Lamentation 3:22). Every man was made qualified to perish from the day Adam sinned, but God's mercy stepped in to justify the guilty. It's this mercy, that brought us redemption. The Almighty God has destroyed the accusations of the enemy by His mercy. Are you trapped in guilt from your past? Be afraid no more, for there's redemption in Christ Jesus. The Lord Jesus is the mercy of God personified, for in Him is our forgiveness, redemption and restoration. Cry out to Jesus, for He's forever merciful. Don't live in guilt again. Don't allow the enemy accuse you again. Tap into God's mercy and be free at last. Psalms 63:7 Because thou hast been my help, therefore in the shadow of thy wings will I rejoice. The Almighty God has been our help. This is indisputable, for without Him we can do nothing. Brethren, when you look back at the events of life as it unfolded from the past till now, you will realize that Christ has been there for us every step of the way. His present help has destroyed many storms, averted a lot of evil plans and delivered us from destruction. His helping hands has brought us this far and we are sustained by His presence in our lives. His help will bring to you everything you've been asking; John 14:13 And whatsoever ye shall ask in my name, that will I do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son. The Almighty God is earger to glorify Himself in the son through giving us our heart desires. It's His pleasure to give us what we ask for, provided we ask in Jesus name. Don't feel discouraged because you haven't gotten what you have been asking for, because it's already answered. You must believe it's done, even though you haven't seen it yet physically. The manifestation of our blessings is a done deal, provided we ask. Ask for it today, don't be tired of telling your heavenly Father where it's hurting you. Jesus is in the business of doing it to the glory of the Father. Keep asking, for the season of favour is at hand. Thus, it's time to arise and praise Him for His help. Sing out aloud and rejoice, for He has confounded the enemy and gave us victory on every side. Let everything around us give thanks to the great I AM for He has fought our battles and defeated our enemies in their numbers. He's still our help. Let's pray together Heavenly Father, thank you for your unending help upon us. thank you for redeeming us from the curse of the law and making us new in Christ Jesus. We rise to praise you for all you have done, all you are doing and all you are about to do. Receive all the praise, in Jesus name. Amen. Dear merciful Father, Please deliver the guilty and open their eyes to behold your mercy, in Jesus name. Amen.

Expectations and Goals For every Relationship One other area for consideration is the entire realmof values and goals. One of the learning experiences in premarital counseling is having each person identify their expectations and goals for the marriage. By doing this in advance, it both clarifies what is important to each person and where they see the marriage heading. You may want to do this yourself. Begin by each of you writing down 20 to 25 expectations you have for your potential partner as well as the marriage itself. Then look at each list and answer the following questions (they are written for an engaged couple) 1. Do we both have expectations in this area? 2. Do I have the same expectations for myself as I do for my fiancé? Why not? 3. How are our expectations of each other alike or different? 4. Whose expectations are stronger? 5. Whose expectations are most often met? Why? Because that person is older, stronger, more intelligent, male, more powerful? 6. Where do my expectations originate? From parents, books, church, siblings, the neighborhood where I grew up? 7. Are my expectations more worthy of fulfillment than my fiancé’s? 8. Do all the people I know have the same expectations in a given area? 9. Do I have a “right” to my expectations? 10. Am I obligated to live up to my future spouse’s expectations? Now take each expectation and answer the following: 1. Is this expectation I have of my fiancé supported by objective reality? Is it objectively true that he or she should act this way? 2. Am I hurt in any way, shape, or form if this expectation is not fulfilled? 3. Is this expectation essential to the attainment of any specific goal I have for my marriage? 4. What does this expectation do to my future spouse’s perception of me? 5. Does this expectation help me achieve the kind of emotional responses I want for my spouse and me in marriage? Evaluating expectations is one way to work out those differences which could drive you apart. Yes, you can work out a solution which willsatisfy both of you. You need to evaluate and clarify everything—and I mean everything! This includes food tastes, cooking styles, neatness level, time you retire at night and whether it’s together or separately, taste in interior decoration, amount you spend on gifts, how important it is to you to remember birthdays and anniversaries, noise level in the home, frequency and type of TVprograms, etc. These may sound mundane, but you wouldn’t believe the number of marriages that fall apart because of these conflicts. If some item or issue isn’t important or significant to you, but it is to your partner, then it needs to become more important to you. This is part of your growing and learning process. Then look at your goals by writing themdown and discussing them. Keep in mind that a goal is something you would like to achieve or see happen. It is a statement involving faith, for it tells of something we hope will happen in the future. “Faith is the substance of things hoped for” (Hebrews 11:1 KJV). We all have goals and dreams. Goals give you a sense of direction. They are not what will be, but what you hope to attain. Because they are future￾oriented, they can lift you fromsome of the difficulties of your present situation. Your focus can be upon positive hopes to come. As Christians we live in the present and future. Scripture admonishes us to have purposes and direction for our lives: “Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I strain to reach the end of the race” (Philippians 3:13-14 TLB); “A man’s mind plans his way, but the LORD directs his steps” (Proverbs 16:9 RSV). Once we set goals, our steps can be directed by the Lord. Goals will help you use your time more effectively, for they help you sort out what is important and what is not. If you know what you intend or need to do, it is much easier to keep from being sidetracked. I have a list of demands placed upon my time for ministry to others. Some time ago I determined how much time I have available for my speaking ministry each month, what I feel needs to be accomplished during these times of ministry, and how best to accomplish the objectives. It is far easier now to evaluate requests and to say no to those that could detract me from the original God-directed goal. As we decide upon goals, we need to realize that a goal is an event in the future that is accomplishable and measurable. If I say that I want to be a good swimmer, I amstating a purpose. If I say that I want to be able to swimsixlaps in an Olympic-size pool by July 1, I amstating a goal. Here are the characteristics of well-stated goals: 1. A goal should be stated in terms of the end result. Example: Spend two hours a week in direct, face-to-face communication with my wife. 2. A goal should be achievable in a definite time period. Example: Spend two hours a week in direct, face-to-face communication with my wife by the end of February. 3. A goal should be stated precisely in terms of quantities where applicable. Example: Spend two hours a week in direct face-to-face communication with my wife by February. 4. A goal should have one important goal or statement rather than several.

Talking Relationship - It's extreme, I want to call it a quit If you’re ambivalent about your relationship or struggling with trying to break it off, perhaps it would help to make a list of the eight to ten consequences of staying with the person. Perhaps seeing the consequences on paper will jar you into action. At the same time, make a list of what you are getting from this relationship that is 1) healthy for you, 2) improving your Christian walk and testimony, and 3) causing you to go downhill anyway. Is this the best for you, or could you do better? Where is God’s will in all of this? What is He saying to you? Here are some other questions to consider: 1. What is your partner not being or doing that you want? 2. How long have you been thinking about ending the relationship? 3. What would have to happen for you to feel this might work out? 4. How often have you brought up the issues and concerns to your partner? What has happened since then? 5. Are you in a situation in which your partner is willing to do anything, but that doesn’t matter to you anymore? 6. What does this person do for you when you’re with him or her? 7. Does their attitude and behavior toward you increase your positive feelings about yourself? 8. Do you feel more attractive being with them? 9. Do they encourage your strengths or elaborate on your weaknesses? 10. Are you a better person by being with them? Is the other person trustworthy? 11. Do you constantly make excuses for them? Do you or the other person constantly try to change one another? 12. Is your relationship with Jesus Christ enhanced by being with them? A woman shared with me, “It’s so hard because I don’t hate him. He really is a nice person, but he’s just not for me. It would be so much easier if he were a rat and I could despise him, but I don’t!” You don’t have to hate or even dislike a person in order to break up. If the relationship isn’t beneficial for you, then it’s not for the other person, regardless of what they say. Did you ever think about that? You can also end a relationship when you care about the other person, but you know it just won’t work for the two of you. Even if you give your partner a list of eight things to change and they do all eight, it’s being done for you. Unless they want to change because they see the value, what makes you think the changes will last? I’ve heard people say, “If the relationship was meant to be over, then I wouldn’t doubt my decision, would I? I seem to waver back and forth, back and forth.” This is normal. Don’t let that stop you. A relationship is over and needs to be cut off when… 1. You want out more than you want in. This doesn’t have to be a mutual decision. 2. Both of you want out and you don’t want to work on the issues. Sometimes a couple will say, “We’ll still see each other though as ‘friends’ since we enjoy each other’s company.” Why? That’s just keeping you from investing time and energy in recovering and then finding someone who could be your life partner. Perhaps the reason you want out of the relationship is that it seems unfair to you. Your partner may have changed their expectations for you or they may be threatened by you for some reason and try to sabotage your efforts to grow and develop. You could be the one contributing more to the relationship than your partner, but he or she seems satisfied with their level of giving. Do you threaten your partner in some way, or are you threatened by themfor some reason? These signs are danger signals. Perhaps you feel you are giving too much. But is your partner asking you to give in that way or are you choosing to do it for some reason? Sometimes the other person is self￾centered or a taker, or it could be you are giving in order to prove your love and desirability or to hang onto their love. And that could be one of the reasons that you have difficulty breaking off the relationship.

Counterfeit Love styles - The Withholder There is yet one other style of relating. This person, a withholder, lives in a self-made castle of protection. Close relationships which involve empathy or sympathy are nonexistent. A withholder lives with the fear of rejection, usually because of some deep past hurt. He or she is a survivor, but one who has been so damaged they don’t know how to relate effectively. They have a deep sense of shame, and many of themprotect themselves by avoiding close relationships. They don’t carry much hope for a healthy relationship. I have seen a number of withholders over the years in counseling, and usually it is their partner who patiently and persistently pursued in order for the relationship to develop in the first place. (Too often the relationship is carried by one partner, even though that partner hopes the other will learn to respond.) But all too often the pursuing person becomes weary of doing all the work and wants out. Many withholders are what I call “blame collectors.” They personalize problems and believe that whatever happens is because of something they’ve done wrong. Their entire focus is upon themselves. For this reason they are unable to relate effectively with others. Aside fromguilt, their emotional life is flat or nonexistent. It’s like looking at a monitor of a person’s heart and seeing not the spikes of each heartbeat but a flat line. A withholder has put so much time and energy into avoiding pain and has done such a good job, he has deadened the other emotions as well, such as hope, joy, and love. There are several characteristics that are important to identify. You need an awareness of these in case this is a description of you or someone you may be interested in pursuing. Withholders are pursued by those who believe they can bring themout of this shell. A withholder has a need to withhold his or her inner wounds. Their suffering is not as obvious as that of a pleaser, nor do they strive to control. They may look very well put together. But they are living with an attitude of resignation. They feel that nothing good will ever happen to them. Why dreamwhen dreams are shattered? Why get your hopes up just to be disappointed? Many withholders avoid close relationships because safety comes frombeing distant. I’ve seen some men like this who were pursued by women who believed, “But he has so much potential. If he’d just let God get a hold of him, he could be the man he’s supposed to be. I can make that happen for him.” And in their desire to remake, refashion, and change him, they marry and are usually miserable, because it doesn’t work. There are some partners, though, who marry a withholder and let thembe the way they are. But that’s not much of a marriage either. Keep in mind that the withholder’s focus is on themselves. It won’t be on you. If you choose a person like this, you won’t be the one their eyes are upon. Socially, many of themdon’t relate very well. They’re too involved in taking their own emotional temperature and protecting themselves. Withholders have a sense of helplessness and believe nothing they do will make any difference or improve their lot in life. Along with this they are overcautious in their relationships. If someone shows an interest in them, they doubt that it’s sincere. They think that the other person has a hidden agenda and wants something fromthem. They feel that trusting the sincerity of other people is a foolish step because you end up getting burned. A characteristic of withholders which is the source of major problems that I have seen in marriages over the years is passive aggressiveness. This is an indirect, underground, subtle but definite resistance. It is such a concern that it’s the subject of entire books, including Living with the Passive￾Aggressive Man by Scott Wetzler. It’s a very frustrating pattern to have to deal with. It destroys relationships that would otherwise make it. There are many forms of passive￾aggressive behavior. Procrastinating is a favorite choice. Procrastinators put off responsibilities or delay doing something for someone else. If they’re an hour late to pick you up, you end up feeling responsible, because they say, “Are you sure you said 10:00? I was sure you said 11:00. Oh well.” And after hearing this a couple of times, you begin to doubt what you said. Forgetting is another favorite way to display resistance, because it can be turned back on the other person: “Are you sure you asked me?” or “Are you sure that was the time we agreed upon?” They may use your car and leave it messy and with an empty tank. They use a check and fail to write it in the checkbook. You may be talking to themabout something important and they either leave the room, get up and turn on a noisy blender, fixa drink, or increase the volume on the TV. It seems as though withholders are a bit masochistic, because they seemto gain something frombeing hurt. Perhaps they feel good about themselves for suffering silently and they resent the person whomthey perceive as having hurt them. This is all the excuse they need to hurt back by withholding their lives. If their partner is hurting, don’t expect much from them. They don’t know how to empathize, because of their fixation on their own pain. They are grudge collectors. Each hurt is kept and transformed into resentment which just fuels the withdrawal pattern. One of the most painful and frustrating characteristics is the way they communicate. They don’t overpower, but rather defect or are totally noncommittal. They won’t invest an opinion or make a decision. They evade, use silence, and leave the room. They have a number of simple sounds which speak volumes, such as sighs and groans, and the sounds of silence. You ask, “What’s wrong?” and the reply is “Nothing” or “You should know,” or a shrug as they leave the room. Sometimes withholders make poor choices in marriage partners because they are afraid to select the right one for fear they’ll be abandoned. They have a negative perspective and negative expectations in their relationships. You could be a very positive, loving partner 95 percent of the time, but this will be ignored, because the 5 percent is what the withholder fixates upon. If you tend to be a withholder, before you consider a relationship seek out a professional counselor. Your life can be different if you’re willing to give it a chance. If you are dating such a person, ask yourself, “Why?” What are your hopes and dreams for themafter you marry? Ask the person to seek counseling before you invest any more time in this relationship. After becoming aware of three problemstyles in a relationship, perhaps you’re wondering if anyone is or can be healthy. Definitely yes. There are healthy, mature individuals in allstages of growth. We are called to be constantly growing in all phases of our life.

Devotion: Believe in God's report - He is faithful Isaiah 53:1 Who hath believed our report? and to whom is the arm of the LORD revealed? Psalms 89:5 And the heavens shall praise thy wonders, O LORD: thy faithfulness also in the congregation of the saints. One of the most important thing about a report is the number of people that believe it, thus accepting it to be true. God's report is eternally true, tangible and realistic in all generations. His report of salvation, deliverance, forgiveness of sin, prosperity and eternal life are all provable through the ages. By His report we harness the victory in Christ and live above the wilds of the wicked. By His report, we have revelatory knowledge of His mighty hands in our affairs. Who shall believe His report? For the manifestation is for those that believe. The power in Jesus name is for those that believe. The miracle is for those that believe. The abundance is for those that believe. Believe Him today. One of the intriguing attribute of the Almighty God is His wonders and faithfulness. It's amazing how creative He is in the manifestation of His wonders upon the earth. His wonders in our lives has brought us joy, destroying the enemy's plan for sorrows in our lives. His wonders has manifested in His provisions in the midst of lack. Above all, His wonders is seen in the salvation package He has given to us who were never qualified. He's faithful in making sure that we experience His wonders in our lives. Don't be discouraged because of the disappointment, for the God of wonders is faithful to do something wonderful again. Rise up and praise Him, even in the rain. The wonders of God is here to wipe away your tears, irrespective of how long you have been crying. Today is the day, you shall experience His wonders in your point of need. Let's pray together. Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for your wonders in our lives. We invite you into every difficult situations around us, please let us experience your wonders today, and help us believe in your faithfulness. In Jesus name. Amen.