Anxiety meets Depression

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Such a beautiful life when you don't weaken child, don't weaken!

3 years ago

When anxiety attacks

The truth shall set you free or so they say. I have been in search for this truth but as it turns out it's not one truth, and there is truth in everything. And from everything there is the opposite of truth or the potential of. I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorders, depression, functional depression if there is such a thing. I think to myself as I let the world put all these tags on me, even the time I had streaks of being No1 at all that I do, it too was in form tagging from the outside world. My while life has been tagged by the outside world. I calm my mind with its monkey thought tendencies which makes it hard to concentrate, this too is from the outside world. Having adapted the notion that "whereas there is no enemy within, the enemy without can do no harm" This statement has saved my life more times than prayers did, I guess it's also a prayer in its own right too. So are other statement that I chant to myself, like " what the mind can conceive and believe, the mind can achieve" this is especially true for most of my survival up until now because it's like a strategy that I put in place to keep me safe in ordering the universe to ward me in some weird way that I don't fully understand. My involvement with the outside world has really given definition to everything like this article is about me, not the world but it's derived from the observation of different expressions from without. But rarely do I really look within, when I heal myself,my esoteric it's mostly exo, not in. For this reason I have subconsciously pushed myself to write, my mind has been asking ''why the pen and paper though?" That pen and paper is an escape , my refuge from that which does not resonate with my vibes. By definition it is that which is bad, but as I go on with life there are endless discoveries that I make every single day even when I'm out in the desert. The sun is always feeding me, the moon is always treating me and the stars always poking at me for being in this tiny setting of and still finding myself stuck.

I constantly need to write, as my form of self expression, I love art in most of its forms, be it the choir singing, I've been there, the permaculturist, I've been that, the painter, the architect, the mathematician, the medic, and the best of them all, the teacher that ensure that knowledge must go on. As I write to express myself, I write to share myself with all that will lay eyes on these irregular paragraphs. When you do relate, then we are one more than not, if you do not relate then big ups to the growth of your knowledge. I do not think I will ever stop writing or expressing myself, I use to verbally express myself to myself a lot and thought that it's much better if I put it on paper.

There was a time I bought multi coloured papers, I wrote on them, expressed myself and after I was done with them I decided to make a collage but before making the collage I wrote special characters on each one of the papers to sort of ward it in some wierd way. It's something like energy investment protection that if I find myself being preyed on by entities that actively take parts of me, these wards ensure that they can never fully get what they want because it is displaced all over the place with other entities that will not trade it for anything, to them belongs my heart. There is a lot involved, and this comes from bottling up a lot and healing superficially because I thought to myself that those other truths do not need to come out of me. I recently found that self expression is therapy on its own and the best there is, it tops all medical therapies. For me, it's about what I can actively recall that I need to heal, I found that I need to go deeper and deeper I went as far as ancestoral roots from all my existences in all my beings and forms, clearing all that limiting and negative not because the negative is not needed but because, the negative has been me and has been limiting me in most of my existences. I never really needed her, but this time around it all about her. She is so patient, at times I feel like even with the recoveries that's on the way and all the healing, I still have done her a lot more than I actually want to fix. When I heal, I ask myself if it's the invasion of my energies that makes me do that or if it became a reflex. Because it is very instrumental, intact it is the only thing that has kept me in this physical state. I do not claim to be stuck but there are parts of me that are yearning to complete themselves with themselves and no other. This begs the question that now what about her? Won't she complete us? The pondered answer to that is that we do not need to be completed by her because she is not to complete us, we have to stand complete on our own and her complete on her own together we form a bigger more complex completion but we are not looking for her to complete us cos no one but us can complete us. That's the mindset that once set in belief it's set, the world can disappear, wouldn't notice wouldn't care.

A lot of voices and scrambled frequencies that can't seem to fully express themselves, I yearn to hear them to feel them but as the depression and anxiety grew I found myself in all types of settings. To find that as the world is beating us down and those that Guinely are out to help get fewer it's gravitating towards change, transformation, death. The idea of death keeps popping in and out of perspective. I think it's the easy way out, outside influences say it's no solution but if life is death and death is life and I am all and everyone there is, why do I try so desperately to steal from myself? To enslave myself? Why do I uphold power and status above myself? That is rather give up faculties of myself to have power that is already mine? To have control that I made? In games that I orchastrated? Pink says sometimes it's better not to ask why? For the longest time I misunderstood her, what she meant was that sometimes it's better not to ask why me? Because I am all that there is, I'll never be more or less useless it's the illusion I am working so hard to make myself belief. The why that begs the question is why not? Why not be better, stronger, faster, Meeker, smarter, why not mastermind positivity despite all odds? Why not not fight? But most of all why care? Caring about who has more, who is in control when the truth is that whoever you believe it to be then it is. I strongly believe that as I get deeper into this, the illusions get more intense, I stay believing in myself, day in day out, I believe in me all day everyday. My physical disposal might not show it but I believe in me more than I believe anything and anyone, and this has come up to bring out the best of society to have a frenzy on me, and tag me with bipolar, depression, Anxiety what have you. I have been through quiet a lot but I do not expect anything from that which is causing me these illusions. The best understanding is overstanding these illusions and digging deeper into the numbers, finding that they can be renewed, detached, refreshed, taken or stolen amongst other illusions.

Because of the beliefs society had instilled in me I like most others found it hard to comprehend the passage through to the other side. It feels like there's something directing me while something else stands watch. I do not think it's anything to do with what I did or didn't do. From the get go, since birth one has always been accompanied to the other side so it did not start ten years ago, nor did it start hundred years ago this has been a norm for hundreds if not thousands of years back to back. All to ensure supreme progress on the other side. I remember the times I wanted to cross over so bad that I'd practice meditation, chants and all that my research has enriched me with just to find out that I know nothing! And everytime I get to know something, it's only a matter of time before I sleep and the sand man weaves it away, the sandman is not one, the sandmen is like sand, too much! To claim a step ahead, only for a hot while then you sleep again and wherever I found myself there would alway be a connecting point. In the beginning running wild not knowing what is what or who is who just physically getting as far away from the nearest person as possible. When I was in the desert I was more than a +/- 100 miles kilometers/ from the nearest being but still I wasn't aware that all that I did and had is connected to all. In the healing process there is disconnections that I explored and loved so much I somewhat got used to disconnecting myself from all. But in this state it proves that none of that disconnection was 100%, could it have been 100%? Hell yeah, with progressive experiences I've learned about the progressions and more but I find more love in the lesson than the answer so I do not look for the answer in people, I know the answers, what's keeping me from the answers is the lessons, the passage to the liberation is riddled with jokers amongst other players. So Horne your craft, stand your ground, I thought I was stronger than this. In the weakness I found the answers that since birth you had always been accompanied. Always! There was never one day that you were not marked. With this realization kind of asks my being that why are you, a God, a God King, depending on some cells put together to make talking meat and bone rule you? Call shots on you? This has nothing to do with the bodies outside. It's the question of the incredible that a God is actually being controlled and ruled over by this fibble meatsuit. I keep coming back to that, beyond the need for a man to make you a or a woman to make you what she will, beyond all that is actually required to cross over, that's the one question that keeps coming back that is the why? Not the solution, I've heard enough of the bang bang, I've had enough bang bang in my hind side, illusions I tell. They still do not answer why God's are succumbing to meatsuits. There is no fear, I just find myself thinking that on earth that's 1300 times smaller than Jupiter, if the stars weren't my friends how would I even comprehend Sirius? One of the brightest and biggest stars there is, our sun would go into Sirius a couple of times, imagine if Sirius was to tear through the cosmos? Even the black holes or white holes might not be able to hold Sirius back. Now I'm starting to comprehend the English language and why speech is very powerful, almost every word is tied to power, like seriously or somebody's son, it's huge power at the disposal of the tounge no wonder they call for silence, there to much power exchanges going on.

Enough of that, what to do about the actual anxiety at hand because the God forbid any form of subordination. They tell you it's all in you now you wonder why you have to worry about any copies. Best worry about time that the time is not only water but it could be spent better doing better being better and not caught up in funny vibes that are out here pretending, joking and playing. As part of our solution this is us, typing and writing. In actual wait of that fateful day where we will not wake up from sleep but we do not want to do it ourselves, not anymore and the best of the Gods won't lets us as they have proven that for whatever reason they greed over want us alive. It is the most stressful situation to be in, watching porno makes things better by rewarding the brain with that dopamine and serotonin amongst other stimulants that make being in the physical worthwhile. But all these are better when the pineal gland is diculcified as life if oriented around blinding, while we are in search of the truth. We know the truth, the truth is on levels, there's truth in water, more truth in tap water. It is filled with Fluoride and this wonderful piece of salt is like a truth serum and you don't even feel the truth sliping out of you until you actually detox. Detox I did, not enough I guess, always on the move, the food in the tummy tends to over stay and move around when I sleep. The works needed to free us from this stronghold is almost complete. These expression are part of that truth that sets one free. When we have gone through all that we went through, every other threat would be a blessing in disguise but the sandman makes sure to press in some mixed feeling every night. Opportunistic and pessimistic, it's all a definition blindfold, blue or red, it's all definition blindfolds.
It's all good.

That's the preread of the enxiety attack.

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