TOXIC PARENTING?
What are the things that parents do to their child that you think is very damaging to a child's character? I can think of many but let's focus on one that I think most parents do, including mine. That is comparing their child to others. When I was just a child, my parents would always compare me to other kids. They would always talk about someone's daughter and praise her in front of me. They would tell me they wished I am like that too. They would continue asking me what is wrong with me, why I am so different? I wanted to ask them the same questions. Why are they not like other parents who just love their kids for who they are? Why are they not like others who embrace their childs differences? And why did they even had me in the first place when all they would do was to complain. But I kept all those questions to myself because I know it's wrong to answer back to your parents. Funny how they ask you questions and when you answer, you will be considered as disrespectful. The result was that I became recentful and I often have negative thoughts about myself. My self image was affected badly. I also developed low self-esteem. My classmates and teachers always compliment me, but why do my parents couldn't do the same. That's why I couldn't take their compliments seriously because my own parents couldn't see my worth. My happiness on how they see me were just short lived everytime my parents popped up in my head. Because of them, I became limited. In my young mind I thought that my parents doesn't accept me as their child. Maybe if I was born differently or if I hadn't been born at all, they can be happy. I tried everything I know that can possibly make them happy. I got good grades at school, I had many achievements. But I never heard any positive feedback from them. I got tired and I became aloof. I didn't want to talk to them anymore. We became like strangers living in one roof. I would rather stay out with friends rather than staying with them. They didn't understand why I am not talking to them so they scold me and compare me to others even more. And because I was young, I always react negatively. I never told them any of my issues. Whenever I try they would always think that I am being dramatic. So I always end up dealing with my own problems alone. There are times I wanted to just vanished in thin air. Unpleasant thoughts kept entering my mind everytime they scold me. I am just glad the thought of suicide didn't sound so appealing to me during those days. I thought of it many times, maybe if I do it my parents would realize my worth. Maybe they would cry and repent. But I thought, I'm better than that. I'm glad that I managed to keep all my sanity intact during those times. But mind you, it wasn't easy having suicidal thoughts. It wasn't easy ignoring it.
That's all in the past now. I've forgiven them already and I'm more understanding now. Thanks to my mentors I met 12 years ago, I learned how to forgive and understand my parents. I have nothing against them anymore and I can say that my parents really do love me. Maybe they are not aware that what they did was bad parenting. But I realized that every parents are doing what they think is best for their child, it's just that they are not aware of what we're going through. I know they didn't mean all the hurtful things they said to me before. Parents have different love languages. My parents are not the soft spoken type. But now I understand that they have their own frustrations too. They provided all my needs while growing up. I was just too focused on their hurtful words that's why I didn't appreciate it. The process of forgiving my parents wasn't easy. I went through a lot of counseling by my mentors. It was God's words that thought me how to love them despite all the things I've suffered because of how they treated me.
I just want to share this story so that others may become aware about the negative effects of comparing their child to others. Even those innocent comparisons without really intending to hurt your kids may have an effect to them. They are fragile and easily hurt by words that's why you should avoid comparing them to others at any cost. Some may forgive their parents when they are mature enough to understand, like I did. But some will forever be damaged. Be careful with every words you would say to your kids. It may forever be engraved on their hearts.
