What to do if you suspect your partner of cheating

Suspicion is a difficult zone to be in because it relies mainly on intuition and sometimes, insufficient evidence.

What is making you suspect your husband? Do you have hard-core evidence or is it only a gut feeling? The female intuition is very powerful but it can also sometimes be mistaken. Here’s a case in point.

A woman had made dinner for her husband, cleaned the house and created a romantic atmosphere. Her husband came home, refused to eat, didn't touch her or even look her in the eye despite all her efforts to engage him romantically. At night he rebuffed her attempt at lovemaking. She turned away and cried silently thinking, ‘he’s cheating on me; my marriage is over! What am I going to do? Her husband, on the other hand, thought- ‘I can’t believe Arsenal lost again! Darn!’

Now, this is a joke- but seriously- could it be that your husband is just in a bad mood or distracted about a challenge at work or elsewhere? Don’t always jump to the worst-case scenario- exhaust all other options before suspecting infidelity.

The first thing you should do is to engage in open and honest communication- not even about cheating but about things in general. Just ask him if he’s okay. If anything is bothering him or if there’s something you can pray with him about.

Assure him of your love and affection and of the fact that you're his partner and you’re there for him. What might be worrying him might be very far from infidelity so show concern by asking him- but not nagging him.

That said, the female intuition is powerful. I’ve learnt to pay attention to it- especially to my wife’s. Women are more sensitive to things that lie beneath the surface. Which is why they seem to sense things even before they happen.

There are also men who suspect their wives of infidelity even though they cannot prove it. What should you do if you find yourself in this situation?

1. Get Help

Bounce your suspicions off one person who is wise and thinks well of both you and your husband. Don’t go to someone who hates him or hates men in general. Go to someone who can objectively determine if you’re being rational.

When your emotions are heightened, it’s hard to be rational. A wise and trusted person can help you see through the haze. You must also ensure this person is not a gossip that will betray your confidence.

2. Don’t worry about it.

I know this is easier said than done, but it’s worth the effort. Actively force yourself to think positive thoughts. Worry motivates the wrong action and makes your imagination run wild. When you worry, you amplify things and make them bigger than they really are. Before you know it, your imagination becomes real to you and you react to what you have imagined rather than the situation.

For instance; Have you been in a situation where you heard terrible things about what teenagers are up to and then you attacked your own innocent teen at home because you’ve imagined the worst? Worry makes you act unfairly. So don’t worry.

3. Don't become hostile

On the back of the last point, don’t change your behaviour to your spouse or become hostile and uncooperative. Remember that s/he is innocent until proven otherwise so don’t punish him for a crime s/he may not have committed.

4. Avoid stalking your spouse

Resist the urge to stalk your spouse or become unnecessarily intrusive. So if you were not checking his phone before don’t suddenly start demanding passwords and searching him for evidence. It creates unnecessary tension. Men would not usually stalk their wives- they are quicker to take (often aggressive) actions. Unfortunately, that action is often an overreaction to the situation and usually counterproductive. If as a man and you suspect your wife of cheating, don’t use force to restrain her from going out or making calls. The truth is that apart from that action being potentially abusive, it makes no difference. If she wants to cheat she will cheat.

5. Pray

Prayer is powerful and makes things happen. It could be that there’s a temptation he needs to overcome- your prayer can give him the strength to do so. Prayer also reveals hidden things- and when this occurs you can act wisely. Pray in faith asking God to step into this situation and cast all your cares upon God. You know the truth? Worry does nothing but wears you out on all sides. Prayer does the opposite. It strengthens and upholds you.

You need inner strength for the road ahead- whether your spouse had cheated, almost cheated, or is planning to cheat. Prayer will build you for the storms ahead so that you will overcome them and not be swallowed by them.

Now, what if you find evidence that points to the fact that your husband is cheating? Maybe suggestive text messages or you’re seeing make-up stains on his clothes or maybe he’s spending money on unknown purchases. There will come a time when you will need to confront him with your suspicions. Before you do so, you need to be clear on what’s important. Do you still want your marriage or do you want war? Your answer will determine your next steps.

I hope these tips have been helpful. I will be back next week to address another issue. If you have a question feel free to tweet at me and I’ll do my best to help you figure it out.