24th July, 2024 Confessions of a Tired Eldest Daughter

I am already 26 but I still feel like my life is going nowhere. I have just resigned from my work a month ago and after five years of being away from home, I finally came back to come live with my parents and other unmarried siblings.

I graduated from college in the year 2019 and have been working since then. Sadly, I was only earning a four-digit monthly salary in my previous job as a private school teacher. Despite the small amount of money, I was still able to contribute to paying the bills and other necessities. But since my parents still have loans to pay for, the small amount that I was able to give them did not suffice. Until this day that I have no job and no prospects, things became harder for me.

My father is a drunk, my mother never stops complaining. Our house does not know the word "respect" and "boundaries". Now that I do not have a job, I can feel how little her support is.

Being in my age, I should have been chasing my dreams, but the responsibilities to my family make it hard for me to do whatever I want. I cannot afford to make mistakes, doing so would mean starving and getting disrespected by family members. It is very easy for others to say that I am still young and should allow myself to enjoy my earnings, but would I do it if I know that my family is putting their hopes on me?

To make it clear, providing for my family is a joy that I truly cherish the most. In fact, I have made it my personal mission to help them before I start to travel around or spend money on myself. The only thing I ever want is for them to support me and understand that I cannot give yet the luxuries they long for. I am still struggling too, knowing how unfair the opportunities are to me as of the moment. I only need their understanding and the endurance to keep holding on despite the hardships in our lives.

Unfortunately, it is quite hard for them to give me the emotional support that I have been longing for. Especially when I lost my job, never did they ask if I was doing okay, or if I can still endure a little longer. The only thing I hear everyday is how much slow I am in establishing myself. Of how better the lives are of other young adults my age.

And everyday, I just feel myself drifting away. I feel like I am drowning with pressure and self-doubts. And as much as I want to hate them, I cannot find it in my heart to do so. After all, I am still the eldest daughter.

The tired eldest daughter.