Expressing My Inner Struggle

Hi. It's me, @JulyAnn .

Its been last 3 weeks since I last updated this account of mine, and it was a short post regards how thankful I am for receiving a sponsorship from @tired_momma .

I don't know if I am still welcome here or if there are people still reading my articles, and I hope they are.

I am not writing today to earn but to express my inner struggle. I hope, who ever read this can bare reading until the end or if not, its okay atleast I find a place where I can let go my thoughts. My thoughts aren't organize, I just wanted to write whatever comes to mind.

Imagine how my days passed since 3 weeks of not publishing an article. A day is such a long story to tell, what more with that 3 weeks.

I got busy processing my license, but failed to do so and other important documents. Why I didn't renew my license? I need to follow the said appointment. PRC is so unfair! I set an appointment early of July but get an schedule of renewing my license on November, while my friends who set late get an early appointment. Now, they already renewed their license and me needs to wait until November. I am so pissed off and I hate myself because I can't do anything about it. I NEED TO FOLLOW THE RULES.

I keep myself busy after that. Meet and enjoy friends company. While I do it, gossip about me and my family never stops. Its so stressful. Its so depressing. I am trying to ignore everything, but those gossips haunts me at night. I can't fall asleep. The words I've heard keeps running in my mind. It seems to me that are screaming in both my ears that keeps me awake. I hate it... so much.

Often times, at night I cried. Blaming myself. Pitying my parents. Asking why.

We were raised to be respectful, to treat people with respect, young and old. Sometimes I ask, do they deserve to be respected? We didn't do anything to them. We treat them nicely. We help them, and still this is all we got from them?

Right, as the saying goes, "Madaling maging tao, pero mahirap magpakatao."

I realize, that whatever kindness you show to people, if they don't like you, they still won't like you. I hate those people who doesn't know how to reciprocate the kindness and help we gave. They still have the guts to walked witj their chins up. Playing dumb as if they didn't do anything. Smiling broadly to us, saying their hellos and acting friendly in front of us, but when they turned their backs, their sinner mouth started to scream in whispers again. That buzzing sounds and murmurs I've heard everyday. That judging eyes that look at us everytime we pass by. Its annoying. Its drives my anger.

Good for them, we were raised to treat people nicely, either they are good or bad. Well, I believe in karma. God has His way. Maybe not now but someday. I will let Him decide to them.

For the last 3 weeks, I haven't sleep properly. I vented out my depression on our group chat with my elementary batchmates. I left. I want someone to talk too but I know there's no one who can understand me there, so I left.

Thank God readcash is here. This is the place where I can expressing my inner struggle. This happened before and here I am again, venting my stress and depression. I am having a hard time. Wearing a smiling mask to show I am okay but deep inside, I am struggling and I am tired. I am suffocated from this fake and toxic people. People who doesn't know what they are saying. People who are selfish, and judgemental.

I just wanted to tell that maybe you know me, but you didn't know my story.