Discharging the Bottled Up Feelings

Why do we keep on bottling up our emotions? Why is it so hard to just freely express it? What makes us keeping those?

Afraid?

Scared?

Are we afraid or scared to let others know what we are feeling inside?

Are we afraid that others will not understand us?

Maybe, its the latter...

I am now lying in bed while writing this article. I am thinking. Those comforting words I've heard today is heavy and painful, but truly help me realize what's this unexplainable feeling I have inside.

Then, realization hits me again.

Me and my friends actually planned an expected get-together last night. We talked in our group chats about it but only three of us are actively exchanging ideas about our plan. We planned to go on a beach and overnight in one of our friends place, but then again, that plan only turns out to be a plan. We disregard it. We think of another thing to do and decided to go on our Nanay's house (a classmate/friend in college who's already married so we call her Nanay) bring food. It's like hitting three birds with one stone. Why? First, we can bond there, second, we can save our energy and we won't be tired from "gala" cause we are only staying at Nanay's house, and third, we can visit Nanay.

So its settled, we will go to Nanay's house.

In the morning, I prepared myself for our early-slash-late meet up. We decided to meet around 8:30 am but we actually met at 9:30. Filipino time, you know. Only @sc and me showed at the meeting place and the other one have a prior engagement to make before meeting us, and some of our friends can't make it to our get together. @sc and me decided to go to the supermarket and bought the things we need. After buying we immediately went straight to Nanay's house because we told her that we will be there at 10 am but we arrived at 11 am.

Cooking was done by Nanay and @sc. By the way, @sc is a good cook. The fried chicken she made is so delicious. Soon after, our friend arrived.

We eat and eat and eat. Food trip is the best! We didn't noticed the time.

Fast forward...

We are on our second batch of food trip, this time with drinks. Soju with delights and sprite. Unending stories and talking fills Nanay's house plus with background music.

Our conversation gets anywhere, until sc open this topic which I promised to tell her when we meet.

And so, I started to tell my story...

They sympathize, they understand. I told them that I am fine and okay, that I actually forget it. They said I'm not being honest. They undergone the same so they knew what it felt. They comfort me non-stop. Said their opinions and thoughts about what happened until I've heard the world "betrayed".

Betrayed.

The word itself is painful. It's like my heart is pinch when I heard that word. That word never comes to my mind. Or maybe, I'm just denying or avoiding that word.

It's painful knowing that someone you trust, betrayed you. No need for explanation how painful it is.

I thought to myself multiple times that it's not. I am not betrayed. It happened just by some unavoidable circumstances that leaves without a choice.

I hate it. I never think of that word.

Now, I finally say to myself. Its not the words that I hate but the fact, the reality that it happened.

During that time, yes. I felt betrayed, but I shoved it a way because she's my friend. Its not her fault. I tried to understand but deep down inside me, I am hurt. I am in pain.

I keep it inside, reminding myself that its not her fault. We can't control someone's feelings and emotions so its not her fault. I try to understand, that's unavoidable.

For months, I told my other friends that I am totally fine. Its just nothing. Its just like a strong wind that mess up my perfectly combed hair. That after it passed, I can comb it again, then I am good.

But the reality didn't actually go with my thoughts. It's still hurt... a little. I felt awkward and uncomfortable with her. I don't want to see them both. But on the other hand, I don't want her to know that I am uncomfortable around her... we're friends after all.

Now, I am discharging this bottled up emotions. I don't want to lie and fool myself anymore.

I am still hurt, a little but soon I'll be better. As just what my friend said, I will laugh it out soon after.

Actually I am feeling much better because I share it with my friends. I heard their thoughts and opinions. They sympathize and understand. I see their genuine expressions. It helped. Talking about it personally and not in chats is much better.

Thank you @sc for crying in my behalf and also Nanay, and Jim for their concern and comfort. I learned a lot today and I enjoy the day. 😘

P.S

Thanks for reading!