ㅤㅤㅤWhen we ride on a boat, we expect that the waves will be calm, and that there'd be no storms brewing somewhere in the middle of the sea. When we ride a boat, we expect not to drown and to just flow along, we do not expect our hearts to beat too rapidly because of anger and fright. We wish the very same things even on land, that we will walk smoothly throughout the day without any interruption. These days though, more often than not, my day has harsh waves despite being on land.
ㅤㅤㅤEvery morning, I check my phone first despite having read somewhere that digesting social media the very first moment you open your eyes isn't healthy. But guess what? I still do it anyway. I scroll through twitter and facebook and even on youtube. I come across positive posts, and as well as negative ones. And because those are the first things I encounter in the morning, I absorb them. And that is when the storm will start to form.
ㅤㅤㅤI will get out of my bed, eat breakfast and use my phone again, something negative pops up on my screen, I absorb it again. Then another, and another, and I absorb and absorb. By that time, the clearness of my head have suddenly turned greyish, my mood dropping just a bit. I continue to use my phone and I continue to absorb the grey energy instead of the gold.
ㅤㅤㅤWhen I woke up, I planned to be productive. But somehow, my phone won't get off my hands and so I got frustrated. When I am frustrated, I watch youtube videos, which doesn't help me at all to get rid of the cause of my frustration. But I shrug it off, scrolled some more.
ㅤㅤㅤThe ground where I stand would then start to wobble, the floor becoming like waves and I lose my balance and I lash out. I dropped my phone and held onto my own arms, my nails digging onto my skin as I scratch myelf. Apparently, scratching myself helps lessen the wobbling of the floor. Inflicting pain onto myself helps calm the waters. And when I am finally calm, I will realize that my day didn't go well again. Fantastic.
ㅤㅤㅤDo I blame my phone? The internet? Or do I blame myself because I let myself brew into a storm which I could barely stop? Perhaps I should blame myself theb, for not taking my duties responsibly, for staring at a fascinating screen without noticing the storm welcoming me in its chaotic embrace. For being such a lousy captain of a 21 year old ship.
ㅤㅤㅤI sigh, because it's night again and I am back laying on my bed. The cycle is about to end, and I wonder, will I be able to turn the wheel and take a different and better route tomorrow?
( All the credits for the images used belong to the rightful owners. None of these are mine, nor do I try to take ownership of them, they are only used for research purposes. )