It's April 13, 2021 -2 am while I am typing this. I want to indicate the date and time because I wanted to reread this someday and will remind myself that I have overcome such difficulty. To begin, I have written in my previous article that I am a working scholar in my university and also a part-time service crew. But because of the pandemic, I don’t have a regular job now and completely dependent on my parents in my financial needs. It hurts me so bad to think about it, that I am no help to them now. Plus, this modular learning or distance learning is out of the realm. I used to be on the dean’s list during my freshman year but when new normal learning takes over I had a very rough time adjusting. I can recall those days I cried for weeks because I just couldn’t understand anything about our lesson, and it affects my academic performance –my grades were rapidly dropping and I did everything to save it but I wasn’t able to. I can recall chatting with our scholarship office not to cut off my scholarship for the next semester because I decided to stop school for the meantime to find a stable job, I can remember applying for a job with a half heart, I can remember that certain day when I look up the ceiling and feeling broken because I think my dream will fall right before my eyes, and the memory is so vivid when I checked my balances to our student portal and found out that the government hasn’t yet paid the P10,000 to our tuition fee and I was informed that if I won’t continue my second year in college there is a chance my second scholarship (government scholarship) will be terminated. Right there I can’t understand my feelings, I don’t know how to react, or interpret them. Was it God’s way of saying that I should continue my dreams? or was it another sign that I will fail again?
Now it has been two months since our second semester had begun. For the first month, it was such a pain, again for me. I know for sure I failed that subject (Psychological Statistics) and I couldn’t bear to think about what will happen if my assumptions turned to reality. It is just so hard to concentrate and communicate in this kind of learning system. I couldn’t point out the main reason, sometimes it’s the internet connection, sometimes it’s the lesson, sometimes it’s me, but most of the time I feel demotivated and broken, helpless and dumb. I couldn’t concentrate.
Now, this is the second month. We just finished our comprehensive exam in Theories of Personality. As I looked at my bedroom, the learning materials were scattered, I wasn’t able to comb my hair, my face is so oily because of stress, and I feel so uncomfortable with my body now –but despite all these, I finished the test. I can recall my answers and I learned so much and realized that I love my dream to this extent that I was able to endure it all. I felt bad for the times I fall but maybe I just love this dream so much that unconsciously I already fight back to my anxiety. It is very satisfying to complete my last sentence. It is very satisfying when I save my final output. It is very satisfying when I send my file to our individual Google Drive. It is the best feeling that the exam is finished and you don’t feel any worry at all.
I don’t know that a stroke of simple good luck would mean so much, and a simple "congrats you finished the test", could mean the whole world. I don’t know what the will be the result and one thing I know if I fail again my love for my dream will help me to stand again.
To all that is reading this, if you have known anyone that is studying premed courses if you can hug them, ask them how are they, say congratulations, remind them to never give up, and stay with them when they are sad. Because as of what I experienced, grades weren’t just a number for us it’s a reflection of our understanding. So please, if a medical student cried in front of you or tells you a story of how they fail in a quiz, be reminded that the pain is real. When we fail, we overthink and asked ourselves if we are chasing the right dream. Let’s spread kindness and love.