Stop Trying to be Good

STOP BEING SO GENEROUS

Being a kind person is a natural and wonderful thing to aim for. In a society filled with cruelty and thoughtlessness, nice people are dedicated to being kind, compassionate, and polite in their interactions with others. They never want someone to feel defeated or to lose sleep as a result of their actions. They are willing to go to tremendous measures to keep others from crying. It has a really nice ring to it.

Nonetheless, it appears difficult to go through one's entire life with nothing but kindness in one's heart. Every one of us will be called upon to make judgments that, while protecting things we deeply value, will ruffle feathers, cause consternation, and may even result in us being (at least for a time) violently despised in some quarters.

For example, we may have to tell a love partner that, despite our profound affection for them, we do not see ourselves remaining in a relationship for the foreseeable future. Alternatively, we may have to inform a youngster that it is now bedtime and that there will be no more stories. Alternatively, we may have to convey to a colleague that we do not believe they will fit into a team and that they would be better served by looking for possibilities in other areas.

Such situations can be agonizing for persons who are devoted to being 'nice.' There are strong temptations to put off the moment of truth or to completely avoid it. The 'nice' still harbors the belief that they will be able to maintain friendships with everyone - despite their constant smiles and agreement. Their unique sensitivity has frequently been cultivated through upbringings in which the repercussions of being honest and frank were particularly difficult to bear. If they had a parent who erupted in wrath or threatened suicide anytime an awkward thought was put in front of them as children, they would have been well prepared for adulthood, in which there appears to be no choice but to tell everyone what they want to hear.

Being truly pleasant, on the other hand, necessitates something even more 'lovely' than continual agreement and emollience. It entails communicating to people one's personal value system and remaining committed to it, even if this involves facing public resistance on occasion. To do so would entail shouldering the responsibility of telling others where we stand and spoiling their afternoon or month in order to rescue their long-term future and ourselves. It entails acknowledging that there may be trade-offs to be made between loyalty and authenticity, as well as between efficacy and goodwill.

The sad drive to achieve something even more vital than popularity has been accepted by mature individuals.

STOP BEING SO NICE!

Being a kind person is a natural and wonderful thing to aim for. In a society filled with cruelty and thoughtlessness, nice people are dedicated to being kind, compassionate, and polite in their interactions with others. They never want someone to feel defeated or to lose sleep as a result of their actions. They are willing to go to tremendous measures to keep others from crying. It has a really nice ring to it.

Nonetheless, it appears difficult to go through one's entire life with nothing but kindness in one's heart. Every one of us will be called upon to make judgments that, while protecting things we deeply value, will ruffle feathers, cause consternation, and may even result in us being (at least for a time) violently despised in some quarters.

For example, we may have to tell a love partner that, despite our profound affection for them, we do not see ourselves remaining in a relationship for the foreseeable future. Alternatively, we may have to inform a youngster that it is now bedtime and that there will be no more stories. Alternatively, we may have to convey to a colleague that we do not believe they will fit into a team and that they would be better served by looking for possibilities in other areas.

Such situations can be agonizing for persons who are devoted to being 'nice.' There are strong temptations to put off the moment of truth or to completely avoid it. The 'nice' still harbors the belief that they will be able to maintain friendships with everyone - despite their constant smiles and agreement. Their unique sensitivity has frequently been cultivated through upbringings in which the repercussions of being honest and frank were particularly difficult to bear. If they had a parent who erupted in wrath or threatened suicide anytime an awkward thought was put in front of them as children, they would have been well prepared for adulthood, in which there appears to be no choice but to tell everyone what they want to hear.

Being truly pleasant, on the other hand, necessitates something even more 'lovely' than continual agreement and emollience. It entails communicating to people one's personal value system and remaining committed to it, even if this involves facing public resistance on occasion. To do so would entail shouldering the responsibility of telling others where we stand and spoiling their afternoon or month in order to rescue their long-term future and ourselves. It entails acknowledging that there may be trade-offs to be made between loyalty and authenticity, as well as between efficacy and goodwill.

People in their later years have come to terms with the sad need to acquire something even more vital than popularity: the ability to think critically.