I used to deny and convince myself that I was okay dealing with things that don't go exactly according to my plans. As a coping mechanism, I blame my problems entirely on external forces.
These walls that I built around my weak spots protected me from being badly hurt, but the longer I tried to hold them up the more I allowed my vulnerabilities to grow up. So then it grew into something more sinister and demonic like feelings of self-hatred, despair and apathy which led to depression.
When I wear a mask and I'm pretending and hiding, I feel very weak. I know for myself, I'm hiding something that I don't wanna let other people know. I am not someone who wears my emotions on my sleeves. So that's enough to define how weak I am.
What was the turning point of me embracing my vulnerability?
That was when I realized that my family was always there for me, it's just me who neglected their presence as if I was alone in this world.
When the attempt happened and finally went into recovery, it taught me to unmask and share my story to other people like here. This is the irony, I became vulnerable to others and so people started identifying with me. All of a sudden, people here also revealed their dark pasts and histories.
That's when I became powerful. I suddenly made an influence to everyone or at least the people I know here.
It took a long time for me to share things and it feels great to have someone to share your emotions with. Finally, I'm able to share my emotions here in this platform freely.
However, vulnerability does not mean that you need to share all the things that you're afraid and ashamed of and announce it to the public, or in social media announcing everything.
There is this sense of freedom, joy, and a sense of relief. It's also about letting go of perfectionism and ideals.
I was too preoccupied of thinking about things that should be in order. So when these plans turn out differently, I engage self-hatred and self-harm which was an extremely unhealthy coping mechanism.
When you are vulnerable, that's when you become powerful. When you don't want to be vulnerable, that's a sign of weakness. You put up a facade, you wear an armor which these things bring heavier loads of weights.
A lot of people don't like negative emotions. And I respect that. That's their (your) way of dealing situations pulling out positivity and focus on those. However, these emotions are the windows of the soul. These lead to our true feelings. Then it will define who you really are.
This article is also inspired with the animated movie entitled, Inside Out. It is where Joy, the positive emotion, never lets Sadness to control the emotion of Riley (the human) but in fact, she's really sad about what's happening in the reality.
Riley's childhood has been always colorful. She has retained core memories and highlights of her life. Apparently, the family needs to sell their house and move out, and look for a cheaper house to stay in because of the financial issues of the family.
Joy, the positive emotion, tries to carry things lightly but it was obvious that Riley is sad. Then it lead to rebellion and running away from the family. In the end, Sadness finally let Riley to burst out crying and so, the heavy feeling she was carrying all throughout disappeared.
I'll just leave it right here:
"It's okay to not be okay"
Wonderful