Is It Just Me?

Have you ever had those moments when you wonder if something's wrong you? It's when you assess yourself and think maybe it's just you? It's when you evaluate yourself why you react that way and others feel fine about it? It's as if you feel different because you don't share the same perspective as the others?

Here are some of those moments when I doubt myself if maybe it's just me?

Is it just me when I feel guilty of smiling or being happy when a family member is going through pain?

We just found out recently that my aunt has a brain tumor. It's a little bit bigger already, around 4.5 cm by 7 cm. Thank God it's not cancerous. Although the family is still much concern of how my aunt will accept what she has to go through after finding out everything.

Just a month ago when aunt collapsed in their office. Her office mates called the ambulance right away. It started when she had reoccurring headaches. She thought maybe it was just stress and got over it after sleeping. But last month was different. So they had her checked through a CT scan and MRI. And there, it was found out that she has a brain tumor.

My aunt is very introverted too. She's quiet, she rarely speaks in family gatherings. She's reserved and only talks when asked. I can relate. She has gone through a lot of challenges in the past especially in their marriage with my uncle. Uncle cheated on her before but they reconciled after more than a decade. It was a cold, silent marriage in that whole duration.

It must be so tough for her to go through that pain, suppressing her feelings. Not to mention, the pressure at work that she has to handle too. So stress must be the main cause of what she's going through right now.

The thing here is that, I tend to be very affected with whoever I'm close to. It's like I absorb the situation they are going through to the point that I feel guilty when there's a moment in a day that I subconsciously laugh whenever I watch tv or watch something on my phone then I remember a family member dealing through pain. Is it just me?

Is it just me when I get super frustrated whenever things don't go according to standards?

I struggle with perfectionism and it's exhausting keeping up with that standard. I tend to be very obsessive with cleanliness and whenever I fail to execute it, I get very frustrated.

There was one time when my sister cleaned the bathroom. I was not satisfied with her work so I recleaned the bathroom before I took a bath. It might be rude but it's about my compulsions whenever I feel uneasy because something doesn't meet my standard.

So what happens is that, I volunteer to do all the chores and complain why everyone is not helping me. Example of giving out mixed signals again.

Is it just me when I think first of what people think of what I do?

It concerns me everytime when I do something and it could hit negative feedback against me. I know I shouldn't think of what people will react but that's how my mindset does. That makes me a people pleaser then. I'm not proud of it.

It's for me also to prevent or initiate confrontations. That's what I don't like the most. If there's one happening and had no choice but to face it, I usually fail because for me to be successful with those kinds of situation, it requires me a lot of rehearsal of my statements, I need to organize my thoughts well, and a lot of energy to spend.

And if these things don't occur to me, I'm doomed. So to prevent this from happening, I usually think ahead if it's safe for me or how provoking it will be if I tend to do something. It's like adjusting myself ahead of time and anticipating things to happen before it does.

Do you have these moments too? Or is it just me?

Thanks for reading.

Keep safe everyone!