Good day everyone today I just want to share something that I've been feeling for the last couple of weeks. I apologized in advance if this article will be full of rants, random nonsense or stuffs that doesn't really contribute anything but I want to write it here because I have a little amount of audience here and I am much comfortable to share it because no one knows me here.

Since last month I am feeling like unmotivated and unsure in everything that I am doing. And as day passes by it just get worst and worst. You might think that it was just a being childish or what so ever and I will experience worst things in my future but I can't help to question everything right now literally in my life. The stress and tiredness builds up every day and I don't want until I don't want to deal with it anymore.

And I think today was the worst day of my missing out. Today I suddenly leave in my class this morning and I didn't attend to any of my class this afternoon and the reason is nothing. Yeah nothing I just don't feel like doing it and I think it was pretty worthless and all my efforts is just going to waste in the future. This whole day I am just staring in the blank space in my room and do nothing I am just staring there and use my phone frequently. To be honest I have a lot of things to do right now and this is not a perfect time for me to do things like this because I need to overcome this because I know it will just worsen in the next following days and months.

This feeling in me started since last month. I have a deep chat in one of my friend in here high school. This friend of mine is someone that I really look up to. Because he is one of the most academically inclined person I know. Well he was saying that I am more this thing than him because I am the consistent one in the academic performance since he knows me but to be honest I am more than happy if he was number one or at the top of me because I am really amazed in this friend of mine. He was such a good person and such a hard working people I know in fact I believe that he was the most hard working person I know until now.

This friend of mine already starts working and stopped studying. We have a deep conversation last month about this matter and he said that he will just continue studying next school year because he wasn't really learning anything. But one of the things that he said that really bothers me a lot until now is he said that " Even I graduate in College or in anything there isn't any higher possibility that my life will better in the future". I know that he said it for himself to be a motivation in his self and give him some supports in the things that he decided but this is the thing that adds up to my ton of problems and stress right now.

Well I've been hearing this a lot of times already because it was a really popular sayings which I can also say is true because I know a lot of people with a high degree but failed in life. But I didn't really expect him to say this. Because I thought the one that won't say this ever is this friend of mine because he was the one that always insist on studying back then.I thought that this thing won't bother me but this thing builds up because of the stress I am getting from myself, my family and in school.

If you are my friend in Noise maybe you won't noticed it but to be honest right now we are struggling financially in my family. My father was removed out in his job last 2 months but I just knew it this month. To be honest I am sensing this a long time ago but I thought I am just over thinking. The reason why he was removed because he doesn't work anymore to be honest. It is because he was always with his girlfriend. Yes his girlfriend you know my family was break apart because of his being a play boy and stuffs but I already accepted that for a long time ago. His boss fired him because he doesn't go to work already he is just always in her Girlfriend's house and just always out wandering around.

To be honest I am not really against in his girlfriend because she seems pretty nice and she is quite stable in life already. But this just got worst because they are acting like teens now. You know since last year there been like this. They are always in the swimming accumpanied with all the errands and stuffs that they are doing. I am not really against at it at first because I thought they are just enjoying their lives but this leads to my father not working. They are always together from day to night and they are to talking to the phone when my father is in the house.

We just have budget for every day because my father sold out a lot machineries in our house. Back then we have a little of machines in our backyard that cost a lot of money to be honest the space that it takes up you can build a Mansion with it's space and that's how big and many the machineries is and for a fact that it was kinda expensive. But my father sold it out all of it. That's why we have survived for a long time but this was not enough because my father is such a spender. Well we are also something to spend about because of foods and stuffs but it wasn't comparable in him.

If you remember the one that I said in one of my article that my father is working away it turns out they just had a vacation in other place for a week and even though it was his girlfriend's family treat I am pretty sure that he also spend there. I am also not asking anything for him I paid all things like my graduation photos, my load for studying and all things that I've shared here and in Noise with my own money. I will stop here now about my father but to be honest I still have a lot to rant about it but I don't want him to look like a bad person to others even he was in the gossips around us and I am just trying to stay still until now.

If you are also friend in Noise you might question why I still post things in Noise like we are doing fine in Financially and other problems but I don't want to share it there because I have an aunt there that views my post and I am pretty sure that she was saying all about it to my mother and I don't want her to be worry about it because all of us are already adult and I am already in legal age I should handle things without them worrying.

In me feeling unmotivated this problem in our family is just first one there is still a lot I think I should talk about it later. I am unmotivated to school and a lot things right now. Like here in my online world. I am pretty sad to see the market to crash like that and the price keeps dropping and in this past few days I am losing my motivation because the green baby wasn't visiting and all the thought that I have that I am a spam. Good thing today the green baby starts to visit me again. This one of the reasons why I am also down. There is still a lot of reasons I want to share.

Author's Note:

I will end this for now I will just continue writing this later or tomorrow because I think it's too long to read already. Just for the heads up I will continue to write about my feelings for tommorow or later article that's why if you don't want to know about it or your sick to know about it just don't read the next part because it was also problematic as this one. I don't want this thing to be my content and in fact I don't even want to use it as a content and now I am even making a part 2 about it. I just can't think of anything right now.

I apologized in venting this out here in this platform I am just much more comfortable to share it here than other people that I know because I don't want to be a burden to people I know.

Lead image was from Annie Spratt uploaded in Unsplash.

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