Growing up with narcissistic parents taught me many important lessons and life skills. Some of those have stuck around to continue the cycle of abuse in their absence from my life. I've spoken before about how susceptible I am to toxic relationships. I am co-dependent. I have tried working on this, I know it's a major fault. It's one of those core qualities that are just really hard to fix. I don't know what came first, the co-dependency or the empathy, but they really go hand in hand anyway. I don't know that you can have one without the other.
Being highly empathetic is a double edged sword. You learn to read people's body language, their moods, even their tone of voice. You know what they're thinking even if they aren't saying it. I can read a mood or intent without even seeing someone face to face. I pick up on cues and hints that they don't know they're leaving. It has saved me a lot of heartache, this is true. But being an empath opens you up to so much more than you can handle. I struggle to trust people, to open up. Once I open the doors of my heart to you, I will love you unconditionally and do whatever I can to please you (there's that co-dependency I was talking about in the first paragraph). It honestly takes a lot for me to say enough is enough. once I reach that point though, there's no going back. I have the hardest time forgiving. I want to be better at this, but truth is, I'm too afraid to forgive people. Because what is going to stop them from hurting me again? Trust is so hard for me and if that trust is broken, how can I ever trust someone not to hurt me again? I don't know that i'm ready to start practicing this in life, but I want to be.
I do take pride in my empathy, I know it makes me a better person than I would be without it. It keeps me accountable to other people's feelings and prevents me from making too many mistakes with people I care about. It really is a good trait to have, and I wish more people had it. But fuck, man. It can be so damned hard sometimes. Empaths don't just feel their own feelings, we feel everyone else's. We feel their pain, their heartache, their grief. We also feel their love, their joy, and their pride. Those bring me so much happiness. It brings a smile to my face as I write this just to think about it. Nothing makes me happier than seeing others happy and anything I can do to bring joy to someone, I jump at the opportunity.
Feeling their grief, their anger, their jealousy... any of those bad emotions... it is so draining. I don't do well with large groups of people because it just gets to be too overwhelming for me. I've closed myself off to many relationships because I just didn't have the space in my head for them. I don't speak to 2 of my 3 sisters because their narcissism and cruelty was too much for me. I also came really close to missing out on one of the greatest friendships I've ever experienced. My best friend used to live next door to me. Our houses shared a wall. And it still took me three years to feel comfortable enough to let her in, to let her get close. I'm so very glad that I did. I can't imagine my life without her! I have three amazing best friends that have filled a void in my heart that I didn't even know existed. I am forever grateful to them.
Unfortunately, my heart has also been opened to people who saw my empathy as a weakness and preyed upon it. It's happened more times than I would like to admit, and every time hurts as much as the last. That's one lesson I don't think i'll ever learn. When this happens I tend to try to shut my feelings down to prevent anyone from being able to hurt me again, but I don't think that's the right thing to do. I want to be able to keep my heart open and grow from the experience. I want to continue to trust people to be good and kind. I want to believe that not all people are cruel. I know i'll be hurt again in the future. I know that there's nothing I can do to stop people from being who they truly are deep down. I don't want to need people in my life. I don't want to be so open to heartbreak. I honestly don't know what's worse: closing myself off to all possible threats and missing out on truly great relationships, or the pain that comes along with toxic people who I tend to have a magnetic attraction to (thanks again, co-dependency!)
I guess what it all comes down to is do I want to change who I am as a person at my core and wall myself off from others or do I want to feel this kind of hurt over and over again? What is more important to me? That at least is an easy one to answer. The happiness of those that I love will always be my top priority, and I need to allow myself to feel to help them achieve that. No, their happiness does not depend on me, but I like who I am, I truly do. And the part of me that I like the most is the part of me that cares. So what if I am naive when it comes to the intentions of others who are only in it for themselves. The few people that I have met in my life that are truly good, truly kind, they are so worth the occasional bad day.
good article