Thoughts from last night

Coming home late last night from an event made me so tired and I just laid down in bed after taking a half bath, I recalled what happened yesterday, and remembered the two women holding hands and looking around in our art exhibit.

Seeing them had me thinking "I remember being happy and loving a woman that much too".

Then I remember that woman, my ex... the closure we had, she said "I still love you, and I think it will never go away"

I also said that I love her back, I thought saying that will make her mine again despite saying she wanted closure since we are already being honest about what we felt that time, but I thought wrong...

then her words followed "But I can't leave my current partner because that person was with me during my darkest time"

It broke me, because they just got together for a month, and she would actually pick a month over her almost 5 years with me... I feel like she said that to make me jealous, giving me hints that she doesn't love her current that much and I can win her back, I can and I would If I'm being selfish

but flashbacks of my efforts and the pain I went through didn't equal the amount of effort she was showing.

I also realize... she didn't think of me at all and she only thought of herself, she said sorry for her mistakes, and I asked her "sorry for what?" (I challenged her if she knows her wrongdoings) but she can't point it out because she doesn't see her faults, she didn't weigh things through from what I see...

It was so unfair on my part, like

I waited for 1 year just to get her yes to be my partner

I would fight for her when everyone around me was spitting negativity on our relationship.

I made efforts to travel 6 hours just to see her since we are in a long-distance, relationship and we only get to see like 2-3 times a year, not to mention the money I've spent. I know I shouldn't be counting money but I had to because I wanted to see if putting effort into owning her back was even worth it that time.

I cried from those thoughts last night because I really love her If I didn't I wouldn't be thinking of her until now... It's been a couple of years since the break-up.. even though I had been into a new relationship (already broke up last December), I still think of her and I ask myself every time,

Does she think of me, Like how I think of her from time to time, is she happy with her current partner? happier than she was with me?

a lot of hurtful questions are coming to my mind and I would answer them negatively, as it lowers my self-esteem even more...

I opened these thoughts to a close friend and she asked me "Until now do you still want her back?

I answered " I want to, but I had enough" as I had already damaged myself physically and mentally for her. I love her so much but this time I'll put myself first... I've been moving forward for a couple of years now, but times like this happen randomly even though I've been given a piece of advice to not let her rent-free in mind.

I always say I've moved on, it's like I'm rooting for myself to believe I did, it's like a " fake it till you make it~" thing... but still I can't deny what I'm feeling

I cried sharing this with a friend earlier which made me feel better for a short while and now that I'm writing this, I cried again from remembering those bitter times with my ex, but It made me feel better.

I'll be having more rants about this again in the future for sure... *sigh

till my next hurtful thoughts ~ joke

Goodnight!