What it feels like to be deprived of a mother's love

                                                                 
So, today, I’m going to share what does it feels like to not have a mother from the day I was born.

But first, let me share with you how my mother died.

I grew up with my grandparents, and I am lucky to have such great and loving grandparents. My dad is working for the government with great pay which is enough to get me and my sister through our school bills and daily needs, but even though he has such high pay we also suffered from borrowing money which I did not notice till I was 18 years old.

But the real reason why I am writing this is to share with you what it is like to grow up without the so-called “Mother’s love”. First, let me share with you how my mother died.

So, here goes, my mother died when I was only 10 months old and I never saw her face personally. She had cervical cancer while she was pregnant with me and she bled for about 6 months and fought through the pain just so I can see this world.

Back then, there was no cure for cancer, and my mother suffered from it. April 12, 2000, was when I was born, and around midst September when the doctors discovered that she had cancer. My mother asks my father to take her to an albularyo (quack doctor) and so my father took her to a lot of places just to see a quack doctor.

It was in December when my mom was starting to feel pain in her back, every night my father would massage her back and he would not sleep because he is keeping an eye on her. Every struggle that my mother makes is an hour that my father won’t go to sleep just to keep an eye on her. Father remembered the exact date my mother was taken to the hospital. February 18, 2000, my mother was taken by my father to the hospital. I was having a very high fever coincidentally that same day, but I was left at home with my nanny.

My mother was in the hospital for four days, and on February 22, the day that she was so ill that doctors and nurses were running in and flooding the room. Father immediately called our relatives and was telling them to pray for my mother, after so many phone calls some of my relatives that lived close to the place came and visited to pray for my mother.

My father drove home to see me and take me to the hospital as my mother requested, she wanted to see me for the last time. Unfortunately, babies were not allowed to enter the room, father entered and held my mother's hand. She asked my father about my fever and told her that I was okay and was very strong. My mother told him that she could not see anymore, father held her hand tightly crying loudly.

February 22, 2000, at 3:00 pm was the exact time and date my mother died. Family and friends wept because my mother passed away. A baby boy was born and that baby boy will never see his mother’s face personally again, perhaps they will meet again someday if God will it.

Growing up without a mother is not easy, every time I see families with a loving mother and an honorable father I always ask myself what does it feels like to have a loving mother, to feel her warm hugs and her never-ending care. Don’t get me wrong, my father has an indescribable love and care for me and my sister. I just really want to feel the so-called mother’s love.

Jumping to the present time and here I am making friends having fun in life, despite all the bad times that happened to my life. I am still happy with what I am now, we’re still a happy family and I know that my mother would like us to be happy.

I just want to let anyone know that even though you’re missing someone you love or even someone you care about. Even if the skies are dark and you’re confused, just think of all the people that motivate you and want you to be happy. If you can’t take it all in, then talk to your friends and family even if it is hard to fully share your problem with them.

Trust me, sharing your problems with anyone might feel uncomfortable but at the end of the day, those people are the ones who will help you, sure not all of them might help you but that’s the best part. You’ll learn how to adjust your circle of friends, the smaller it might get the happier you will be.

We should learn to accept the cruel reality and keep moving forward. Sometimes letting it go and seeing what stays can make a difference than feeling sorry for everything and wanting something or someone back. Go with the flow and see where your fate takes you, some would say.

And to my mother who gave birth to me, I just want to say, Thank you for giving me this beautiful life. I promise I will live my life to the fullest and not disappoint you. I want to see you and talk to you, I’ve got a lot of things to talk to you about. Every night I stare at the ceiling and think, what would my life be if my mother was here with me and supporting me.

It’s 2:11 am right now and I’m still awake and thinking the same thing over and over again. Asking my father about my mother so I could complete this story. My father's face when I asked him about my mother's death. The look of a husband that lost his precious wife.

I hope that one day our family will be whole again. This will be the end of my story, till I write again!

-Ivan :)