Sinful warrior - Albert Deniel

My name is Albert Daniel. I am a Jew by birth. I was born in a village 20 kilometers from Tel Aviv, Israel. We are not locals here. My grandfather's family fled Germany during the Holocaust in 1943 and settled here. I am a regular member of the Israeli army. You may know that every Israeli has to serve in the army at some point in his life. They are irregular soldiers. I have been serving in the army since I was 18 years old.

I don't know who will get this diary. It is unethical to read one's diary without his permission. Well, is it also true for a dead person?

One of the best friends of a person is his personal diary. When there is no friend or well-wisher to listen to the words of happiness and sorrow, his only hope is his diary. This diary is his only companion of happiness, sorrow, emotions, feelings. We have seen this happen in the case of Anna Frank. Will it happen to me now?

I am the keeper of the city of Jerusalem. It is the holy place of the three Abrahamic religions at the same time. After many ups and downs, now we Jews are the keepers of this city. Our main job is to protect this holy city from Muslim miscreants. Honestly, I have met many Muslims on duty. They did not seem to me to be miscreants at all. Every Jewish child of ours has to grow up with anti-Muslim and anti-Islam. , Then society and school and finally the state in every case the poison of anti-Muslimism is pushed into us by force.

Once a 5 year old boy threw stones at me. I pointed my gun and said, "Turn or I'll shoot."

"I will not leave without avenging the murder of my parents," he said. I was surprised to see his determination. Then I suddenly remembered, I also have a 5 year old son at home. If someone had killed his parents unjustly today, would he have accepted it?

I couldn't stand it anymore. I left from there. Later I heard that one of our comrades was shot dead! I don't know why, I couldn't sleep that night.

A few days later, 4/5 girls were captured in the camp. There is a lot of cowardice among the warriors to show masculinity on the defeated, helpless girls. I remembered the words. He was two years younger than me. We used to go to school together. Once on the way to school, a boy saw him and gave him a whistle. Didn't I kill that boy that day? If the brother of these Muslim girls was alive today, would they leave us?

At the hands of our Israeli soldiers, the mother has lost her son, the darling sister has lost her naughty brother. The father has lost his beloved son. The mother and sister have been raped in front of the eyes of the father and brother.

A few drops of tears that fell from the top soaked the pages of my diary.

I am a weak warrior. A warrior has to be very strong mentally. He has to give up his personal emotions. Otherwise he cannot become a warrior. All the warriors in the world are endowed with this quality. I am the only soldier who is still driven by passion! All sins have atonement. I have to atone for the sins I have committed as a soldier. The only way to atone for my sins is suicide!

Religion may forbid suicide. Oh God, forgive me. I can't anymore. I can't be a good Jew in my personal life. I'm a human being. I have a mind, I have emotions and most of all I have humanity. My comrades may have been able to overcome it but I can't. Is it my failure? I do not know whether Allah will forgive me on the Day of Judgment of the Muslims. If there is only one God then there is no difference between Allah of the Muslims and our Lord. If Allah does not forgive me then how will Jehovah forgive me?

I can't anymore. Goodbye world. Shyama Israel.

Thank you.