I have a confession to make.
No one, not even my best friend, knows.
I haven’t been in a relationship before. I am 30 years OLD.
Why? I absolutely have no idea.
I heard that most people found their “forever” at university or at work. In my case, I didn’t go to university. I opted to attend college at home. Why? Because from where I come from, university tuitions are VERY expensive. My high school classmates had to leave the country to study college abroad to afford tuition. But I didn’t do it. I did not want to risk being a thousand miles away from my family (or maybe I was too chicken to do it *wink*). So I decided to stay, study at home and get a job as soon as I get my degree. This was my biggest mistake.
After I finished my homeschool in 3 years, I have noticed that I become shier and I didn’t want to go out to meet new people. I have always been a shy kid growing up but I was able to make a lot of friends in school, maybe because we were forced to interact on a daily basis. But because I was all alone during college, I became more timid and introverted. Every time I go out to meet new people; I become so awkward that I detested going out.
After graduating, I immediately got a job in a big company as an assistant to the Managing Director. Because I was assigned to the big boss, I was confined in the MD office alone, without time to interact with my colleagues in other departments. Years flew by and I got used to being alone. I love being alone and I feel so awkward in social gatherings and meeting new people.
At age 21, my parents kept on nagging me to start dating or I’ll end up alone. They started to match me with their friend’s sons but I was too hard-headed to face any of them. Any guys who tried to message me, I ignore. Whenever I go out at night to have drinks with my best friend and some guys come up to me and ask if they can join, I flat out refuse. I haven’t tried to flirt in my life. The only time I let a guy get close to me was when I was a senior in high school. But even then, I had my walls up because I knew that all of them will go abroad to study college. No need to be close to them and create relationships when it will end abruptly anyway.
Now at my ripe age of 30, I started thinking. Why is this happening to me? Why am I still alone?
Is this my karma? I mean, I have ignored and blocked a lot of guys because of my awkwardness and I am just realizing that it’s not the kindest thing to do. I imagine someone ignoring me or blocking me and I sure will feel hurt. But at the time I was doing it, I wasn’t even thinking of what they would feel. All I know is, I didn’t want anyone to get too close to me. I don’t know what to do.
I can stand being alone for months at home. I am satisfied with just Netflix and eBook on my side. But there are times when depression takes over. I hate logging in to Facebook and see my classmates from high school happily married and have kids. I am happy for them, but I feel so left out.
I want to experience being cuddled, to be kissed in the morning and before going to bed.
I want to experience to be a girlfriend. To be a wife. To be a mother.
I knew I had to do something for my future to change. I planned and everything was set. I planned to resign from my job, go to another country and start a new life, and meet new people. So that’s what I did.
BUT just a week after my move, COVID happened…
I am now in a new country, but not ready to mingle. And… I ignored another guy my family tried to introduce to me *sigh*. I guess a relationship is like learning how to ride a bike. The older you get, the harder it is to learn to do it.
I know it will take me a lot of time to change. I just hope someday, I will get to meet my “forever” who will accept my awkwardness and craziness.
Don’t give up, self. Be patient, my “forever”.