23-12-2022

As of now this is the moment when I'm at my lowest all alone trying to pretend everything is right or Going to be right but it is just getting worse.

Couldn't think of anything else other than why I'm turning into someone I never wanted to be back then.

I have so many questions or thoughts in mind ain't leaving for a second and worse part is no one to share with.

Thought it would be better to take deep breaths and continue with rants, regrets whatever have in mind here this midnight.

Life is so Much Easier

When at the end of the day someone stays to listen you. It is easier when you're Numb and don't feel anything anymore.

There no such thing as life is so much easier we all destroy parts of ourselves everyday.

We all edit the parts we hate about ourselves, modify the parts we think people hate to make our life easier that is made hella hard in this society.

Living in illusion as a child was way much Easier and better now it's like i don't want anymore to interact with anyone stay up all day or long night in one room and own bubble.

I never knew the meaning of that moment until it became a memory.

Giving up on Everything

One thing I have realized is can't get more better at anything other than creating problems for myself and expecting unreal things to happen.

Is now slowly fading and Giving up on everything.

Giving up on pleasing people of what they like or hate and think about me. Stopped making friends cuz I can't make anyone stay.

Even Giving up on myself cuz of turning into someone

I always hated. For real everyone call me egoistic, rude and I know that's what I became after all.

Thing's I couldn't stop from Happening

The age 17, 18, 19 are not easy , you lose friends like never imagined before though in my case I had lost all IRL friends at 17 and next month it will be 3 Years of no friend and it's because after losing them all had never made more in real life but internet one's are blessings and fact is they won't stay forever.

facing financial crisis when you're becoming so called mature. having dreams but cannot fulfill them, you fall, you fail, you hit reality, make mistakes , you lose yourself and I see this all happening.

you see your parents getting older, having low grades and than in the end everyone hates you and you cannot do anything .

I don't know why this all has happened to me and in that Sense life is so Unfair.

Anyway I'm trying my best to be okay but, everyday is damn so hard especially everytime when I look at look at my mother and realize that this women deserves a lot and I haven't done anything for her and this is only reason to keep going and face all the challenges.

Fin.

Well, Got a reason why I don't like winter long nights is Memories hit hard and it's just loneliness that came back and I hate when I can't hold in my loneliness.

It's Amazing how you can go from being happy to bring completely broken in pieces.

Anyway, the sad part of this night is realized how it feels living absolute alone having no family, literally no one.

Been like few days now since my mom went outside town a marriage in family and sadly I couldn't visit there.

Was able to talk with her everyday at least which is not possible nowadays and getting more headaches all time.