Ungrateful Daughter

08/20/2018

Dear Mom,

  As time passes by, the gap between us becomes bigger and bigger. I don’t understand you anymore. Why do you have to  be so close minded? Is it just me? Or do you really become distant to them? You think you’re always right. I hate it! I feel like it’s always my fault. Why do you have to make me feel this way? It hurts thinking that you think of me like them, your enemy. But the truth is, it’s all in your mind. Can’t you be more understanding? It hurts when we always fight. It makes me feel like you hate me. That makes me want to run away and be gone forever.

09/02/2019 

Dear Mom,

Hi Mom, I don’t know why I’m writing this but here it is. I’m not upset with you and you’re not upset at me. We’re not at war today. It is a normal day for us. I read the letter I wrote for you when we had a conflict. I came to realize that it’s not you who changes it is me. I’m the one who doesn't understand, I’m the one who chooses not to. I didn’t mean that. I just don’t understand anything, I’m just pretending to be but I’m not. I’m sorry for every bad thing that I have done to you. The things that made you scared and questions yourself. I’m sorry because I am part of the reasons why you changed. Why you choose too. We give you no choice but to doubt yourself. I’m sorry I’m only realizing it now. I’m sorry that even though I realized it now. It won’t change anything and I might even forget it again. I’m sorry, even though I know what I’ve done wrong I still can’t bring myself to speak up and tell you I’m sorry or even I love you. I don’t even remember if I ever told you this even once. I’m sorry. I hope you know that I will always love you and defend you no matter what happens. I love you Mom!

08/18/2020

Dear Mom,

Ahm.. There’s so many things I wanted to say but I can’t seem to write them all. Let me just say sorry. I know I’ve been cold and rude towards you these past few days and I might seem that I don’t care about you at all. But that’s not true. I do care for you a lot. I just don’t like it when you're playing cards outside our house. I don’t know why. Maybe because that’s how you raised me. To be good and upright. You told us that it’s bad to play those things when we were kids. So I don’t know why you seem addicted to it. You always said that you can’t say “no” to them but in fact you can. I don’t want to see you fight because of that. I don’t like it when you fight everyone, how you lose your temper. I just wanted to have peace in our home. But it’s impossible. Maybe that’s the reason why I'm like this. I can’t accept the fact that we’re not like the others who're living in peace. I envy them. I sometimes wish I wasn’t born or raised by you. I’m sorry. I’m not confident about being your daughter. I lack so many things. It makes me lose my mind. It feels as though I'm carrying a heavy weight in my shoulder. It always feels like I'm walking on eggshells around you. One wrong move and it all be shattered. I’m sorry to feel like this. You’re never been the problem. It was me. Please be more patient towards me until I accept who I am and I know what I really want to do. Remember that I will always love you . Even Though It hurts sometimes. I love you always and forever.

From your second daughter.

I know upon reading this, you might hate me.

You did right?

Because I did. I hate myself.

How could I write this about my Mom? 

How can I be this insensitive and ungrateful child? 

How could I? 

When all she gave me is her love and undying support? 

My mom is not perfect. She is flawed like anyone else. She cursed… a lot but she’s not a bad person. She’s hot headed and so loud that it may seem that she’s trying to fight you but that’s what normal conversation is to her. She fights a lot. She doesn’t care who you are as long as you wronged her she will put up a fight. She won’t back down until you do. 

I’m the polar opposite of my mom. Instead of fighting, I always choose to ignore. I don’t want to fight everyone. I want peace. But being with my Mom. It’s impossible.

My mom has many enemies. If we have 10 neighbors I guess 3 amongst them is her enemy. And all of them were because of money. 

We were not rich, we were poor until my father decided to work abroad. And that’s how we become average. Now we can buy the things that we need or even more. 

That’s when it all started. Our neighbor started to ask for help from us. Or to lend them some money. And since we were neighbors we treat them as family. My mom lent them the money they needed but with interest(tubo) and the exact date that they’ll pay back. That day came but they never paid. They always said to just add interest. Then they asked mom to lend them some more and my mom did. When the money we lend and the interest adds up it becomes bigger and bigger. So my mom decided not to lend them more and just wait for them to pay back. But they never did. And they got mad because my mom didn’t lend them anymore. It was total chaos because they couldn't pay back. They shout and curse at each other.it scandalous, We become the talk of  the town.

I am so embarrassed to go outside our house. I keep hearing people talk back. They keep whispering that my mom changed and became arrogant. Just because we have some money.

As I was walking along our neighborhood just to buy something I still kept hearing whispers. That makes me lose confidence and I can only look down. One neighbor to another. Same reason is money. They shout , curse and throw dirt on each other. It’s becoming harder for me to breathe. I hate to see my mom fighting. There’s no one on our side. But you know what I hate the most? I can’t even defend my mom. I was speechless and just staring at them while everyone was shouting at her. I can  only cry. I was traumatized. What should I do? I’m so scared that something might happen to her. That they might do something especially that my father isn’t here. Me and my little brother were the only ones who’s with her. I’m so scared and didn’t think right.

 I decided to blame her. She is the reason why I feel so small. Why everytime I hear noises I always look outside my window to know if it is my mom who’s fighting. She’s the reason why I can’t talk to anyone. Or my little brother can’t play with his friends anymore. It feels like we were isolated. I said I hate her but the truth is I hated myself for not being able to defend her. She’s fighting a lone fight and I can’t do anything. I can only blame her. Like they said, it's easier to blame someone for you to be okay.

The fight goes on like forever. It’s not about money anymore, it's their pride. I remember one time my mom came back home raging with anger. She said that she was walking home peacefully when one of our neighbors said “grabe ang suot feeling katrina halili nakakatawa hahahah” you see my mom is fat. And the other said “ang dungis dungis mo! Kay panget panget!”(you're so dirty! so ugly!) while looking at her plant. They always say that when they see her walking. They criticized her even though she didn’t do anything. 

My mom came home with tears in her eyes. It brokes my heart but still I can’t do anything. It feels like I am mute. Praying to God to bring someone who can defend her because I can’t. And you know what I did? I just blame her even more. And said that it's her fault that's why we are in this situation. I hated myself for doing that. How can I only mind our neighbors and not my mom who cries silently at midnight when she thought we were sound asleep. I wasn’t. I hear her cry everytime and do nothing. 

My Mom has low self esteem to begin with. She always says that she is ugly and stupid. Because that’s what she kept hearing since she was young. She wasn't able to finish elementary school. because of being poor she was always absent, that's why she can’t keep up with her classmates. She was laughed out for not knowing anything. That's when she decided to stop.

But My mom isn’t stupid. She may not have finished school but she raised us well. She never let us be hungry or not attend school. She does anything to give our needs that she forgot about herself. Instead of buying her own clothes she spent the money for us. I remember she always buys us delicious food but she didn’t buy anything for her, she just watches us eat happily. And I remember how she bought us pretty clothes but can't even change her underwear with holes. I remember how she asked for food from our relatives. When we don’t have any. I remember how she worked as a caretaker just to give us allowance for school. I remember how she circled our whole neighborhood to sell food just to support our studies.

You see my mom isn’t stupid or ugly she just choose us over herself. And I am an ungrateful child for not realizing it all.

Because of the nonstop fight that my mother’s been going through. We realized that they’ll never pay back anymore and will only give us stress. That’s why We decided to move. And that was the best move we did. We found peace in our new neighborhood. My mom becomes friends with our new neighbor easily. They were so loving. I thought we would be homesick for a long time but it didn’t happen. I enjoy staying here. And so did my mother. Maybe all we need is a change of environment. Now we can think right and mend our broken confidence and heart. We can now start fresh. 

That all happened a year ago. it’s still fresh from my memory. I was still immature back then and maybe until now but not as much as before. Because of the trauma I can’t think properly, that's why I wrote those diaries. I know my mom will never read those but still I feel guilty for even thinking that way towards her. But I love my mom as who she is. That will never change.

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