I was raised by my mom who eventually is a teacher. There will never be a day that will pass where she will always remind me to must have the highest grade in school. She wants me to be always on top, on the limelight. She can never hide the disappointment on her face if she saw that I had a line of 8 in my grade card. I grew up in this kind of routine.
My classmates are admiring me for being always the first. They keep on wishing to be just like me. If they only knew what I have been through to be on this place, if they only know what I need to sacrifice to survive this competition, if they only know how I am slowly losing myself just to achive the dreams of my parents, if they only know that once someone surpass my grade I will be instantly labeled as a failure, if they only know... would they still continue to wish to be just like me?
I received a lot of awards, been the first honor since Grade 1 until I graduated in elementary, I joined a lot of competitions especially in English and Science competition and won an awards, several certificates were displayed in my room for joining a lot of extra-curricular activities, I've been the president on the 3 big clubs in my school, people are admiring me because of it but still, I'm not contented and happy.
However, because of pressure, the suffocating education system and the mindset of people around me, I did a very stupid and reakless act. The blade of the knife seems inviting me to touch it until... I woke up in a hospital room and I noticed the gauze around my right wrist. My mom keep on asking me what is my problem that I ended up doing that kind of thing but I choose to keep my mouth shut. I despised the way she pressure me in having a high grades but, she is still my mom and I don't want to hurt her feelings.
My mom insisted that I should visit a psychiatrist but I strongly disagree. I know that trying to kill myself is such quiet troubling but I know now what I'm doing. Being a Dean's Lister is slowly killing me and its so painful. At first I thought ending my life is the solution but I guess, I was wrong.
I still continue living on this hellish life trying to find the answer to all of my questions. I keep asking, is there will be a time wherein people will not based someone's life in their grades? Does, time will come where people will not based how should they respect someone by knowing their achivements?
I love learning and going to school but never did I love the competition inside it. I was hoping and praying that someday somehow, my wish would be granted. I wish people will enjoy learning without the pressure of must having a high grades. I wish the number on their grade card is not a hindrance for them to enjoy as they learn new things. I wish that being a Dean's Lister will not slowly kill them. I hope... And I wish.
