No one can reduce the complexities of raising children, each one unique, to a list of simple rules. Through emotional awareness and empathy, you’ll find the correct things to say and do with your child at any given moment. That said, there are situations that arise in virtually every childhood, from infancy to puberty, that challenge parents’ ability to acknowledge the worthiness of children’s feelings, without being manipulated by them. And there are ways to incorporate emotional intelligence into your responses to these situations.
The following are a few examples of how you can apply high-EQ approaches to the unique challenges that arise in your own parenting adventures.
Fear of the dark. Here’s a typical power play that leaves EQ-challenged adults feeling manipulated, guilty, and just plain pooped. Has your child managed to secure a permanent spot in your bed because you can’t stand to hear them cry, you remember how afraid you were of the dark at their age, or you’re just plain tired of resisting? Assuming you don’t want them in your bed at night, your high-EQ alternatives are to empathize (not sympathize) with the child’s fear, and problem-solve together to come up with a solution that will suit you both: A night light? A change of room? Moving the child’s bed to a part of the room that feels safer or is naturally brighter? How about a schedule that reduces the time spent in your bed night by night? When your urge to protect is overwhelming, try assuming the child can handle his own feelings.
Bossiness. When your sweet child starts acting up as so many children do at some point, the low-EQ response is to tell them they’re doing something wrong. Because no matter what words you use, they won’t hear you. The high-EQ way is to let them make their own mistakes and learn from them. If that doesn’t feel active enough to you, you can also try saying something like “I don’t like it when someone talks to me that way.” Also watch for times to engage her empathy when someone else is being bossy and ask, “How do you think that makes the other kid feel?”
Temper tantrums. You might know this one, because it’s been in every parenting manual: Ignore these episodes completely. That’s a high-EQ response because it sends the message that you refuse to be manipulated by your child’s upset. Children who get a response when they throw a tantrum learn unhealthy emotional habits that will only harm their relationships as they grow up.
Greed. Sometimes kids seem to want everything they see, including things they don’t need and won’t use. Tell them that greed is sinful and shameful, and they’ll feel ashamed—and you’ll never know what emptiness they were trying to fill from it. The high-EQ response comes from discovering what each person’s unique needs are. Ask yourselves, “are we loving this child the way the child needs to be loved?”
Staring. We’re usually in such a hurry to stop this behavior before it offends the person being stared at, that we confuse children about their own feelings. Don’t hustle them off, distract them, or chastise them. Instead, acknowledge their natural fascination with those who are different from the children by saying something like “I know, that bothers me, too. What must it feel like to have to live on the street (or be in a wheelchair, or have scars like hat, etc.?” Then help your children understand that when our empathy is evoked, we act on it: “This is what we can do to help…”
Childhood myths. People who are ruled by their own needs regarding these fantasies always end up going to extremes, being brutally matter-of-fact about the Tooth Fairy and Santa Claus, or going to great lengths to encourage these myths. The child’s needs should always rule here. Fantasy has to do with hope, and if a myth seems emotionally important to the child’s outlook, you don’t have to burst the child’s bubble in the name of honesty. You don’t have to lie either; by conveying the idea that belief and faith are personal qualities, you let the child decide themselves when to let go