My son dyed his hair green on one side and red on the other” . . . “My daughter thinks I’m foolish” . . . “My son is disrespectful and rude to everyone” . . . “My daughter pretends she doesn’t know us” . . . “We find cigarette butts and junk food wrappers in his room” . . . “She’s on social media constantly, and it’s interfering with her schoolwork.”
If you have a teenager at home, you know why these complaints were lumped together: teenagers may very well commit all of these infractions before they’re through with you. The good news is that these seemingly rebellious activities are irritating but completely normal and, with the exception of the smoking, basically healthy.
When teenagers act out, you’re there to love, guide, and model high EQ. You can set an example of respect for your body, teach emotional choice, and model the behaviors you value through your actions and deeds. You can listen with empathy, even when you don’t like the words, and send clear “I feel” messages when you set limits.
It’s important to stay emotionally involved with your teen, demonstrating that you care. But it’s equally important to avoid overreacting, which will only push your child away and shut down communication. Here are a few ideas for getting and keeping heartfelt communication going between you and your teenagers.
Understand why your buttons get pushed
You can’t hope to get close again if just being near each other sets off sparks. Relax deeply and focus on the intense feelings that flare up repeatedly with your teenagers. Allow the feelings to intensify as you ask yourself whether these are old feelings and what their nature is—anger, hurt, shame, fear? Most hot buttons exist thanks to emotional memories, so this exercise can tell you whether the flare-ups are caused by your teenager’s behavior or some old memory. If it’s any of these, you should now be able to control yourself better with your child.
Put yourself in your teenager’s shoes
Before you decide to ask your teenager to change some behavior that bothers you, analyze your child’s body language and their facial expressions so that you fully understand the child’s mood, and imagine the child’s emotional response to your request. If you image the child becoming upset, think about what the child finds threatening, embarrassing, or difficult about the subject? In other words, how does the child feel, and how does this explain the child’s bothersome behavior? The empathic insight you gain from this exercise greatly improves your chances of getting through to your teenager.
Find out what you need from each other
Directly stating your interest in knowing what your teen needs is another way to use empathy to bring you back together. Whether you’re focusing on a specific issue or your entire relationship, you can negotiate with your child in a mutually loving and respectful way by having each of you make a list of three to five things you need from each other. Then make a list of the things you each think the other needs from you. Exchange lists, compare, and determine what each of you is willing to, given what exchanges you might make.
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