Forgiving Our Friends

Forgiving can be hazardous to friendship. Forgive friends too quickly, too often, and you become a nag. And no one wants a nag for friend.

Friendship survives on a diet of accommodation, of being generous about faults. Magnanimity again; show me a person big-minded enough not to require good friends to be perfect people and I will show you a friend who can keep a commitment to friendship.

There is such thing as expecting too much from friends.

Not every friend has a perfect sense of timing; some friends tend to be late when we very much want them to be early.

Not every friend remembers to return things she borrowed; some friends need nudging. Not every friend knows how to dress for the occasion; some friends are slobs.

Not every friend invites you back after you entertained his out-of-town parents at a dinner party; some friends hate to entertain. Not every friend is a good listener; some friends talk too much.

We shouldn't forgive friends for being less perfect than we want them to be.

Nor should we forgive them for being more successful than we are.

Your kids dropped out of community college after the first semester; theirs are on fine scholarships at top-flight universities.

And they never stop telling you how well their children are doing. You sweat blood just to pass every course; your best friend gets A's in everything without trying. And he pesters you for being too serious about your studies.

Your husband is stuck at level C in a going-nowhere firm; your friend's husband gets periodic promotions and regular raises in salary. And she loves to tell you about their expensive vacations. You yearn for a little romance, your best friend is forever complaining about having too many men in her life.

The sorts of things we need to forgive friends for are the sorts of things we would stop being their friends for-if we couldn't forgive them. It can happen when a friend betrays a trust.

The only way to rescue friendship from betrayal is by forgiving the betrayer.

But even when we do forgive him, we be better off to call off the friendship.

Donald Former is a lawyer, a good one, but at this particular time he is wrestling with the kind of dilemma that takes more than a lawyer's skill to solve.

Back in the early sixties he had gotten involved for a while with a radical protest group. He was a college student then, fed up with the system, and he had hooked up for a while with this group of bitter-end extremist.

He didn't know what he was getting into at the time; and when he learned that this crowd treated people worse than did the system he wanted to change, he got out.

Then he applied for a job in the Justice Department, a job he wanted badly and one for which he knew he was qualified. But it called for security clearance.

He agonized over the situation, wondering if he should tell them about his brief romance with a radical organization. If he told he probably would not get the job. He wanted to be honest; but he wanted the job even more.

He talked it over with a good friend, a trusted friend. Her name was Judy, and she worked in the very department to which he was applying.

Judy advised him not say a word. "That was in your previous existence," Judy assured him,"and nobody has to know about it. Why scuttle your chance?"

Donald went along, said nothing, got the job.

One fact Donald did not know was that Judy worked for a fanatic who expected everybody working under him to demonstrate his or her loyalty by exposing, once a year, at least one weak link in the security system.

Another fact Donald did not know about Judy's problems with the boss. She had been feeling his paranoid breath, and she knew that what she needed right then was a chance to clobber a security risk.

Three months into Donald's new career, he got a letter telling him that he was fired. The reason: failure to disclose his 1962 membership in a radical organization.

Judy!Judy-Judas-he wanted to kill her and let her bowels gush over the steps of the justice building.

Friendship is killed by betrayal.

Eventually, Donald may forgive Judy, begin the journey to his own recovery, heal his heart by purging his hate. Even wish Judy well. Someday.

But would his forgiving resurrect their friendship?

The odds are against it. And it would be right if Donald forgave from a distance, and buried the friendship. Not necessary.

But right. Friendships are tested by less grievous letdowns.

We are not always sure of how to measure the disappointment, or how much to tolerate in a friend.

Some people lean too hard on friends, and expect too much from a relationship created to be equal.

They expect their friends to always pick up the tab, fix their plumbing and never send a bill, or drive them to work every day and never ask for gas money.

And when their friends finally say no, they feel down, badly threated, and wonder why their friends are not more committed to them.

One way to look at it is this: these are not the sorts of offenses that call for forgiving. They are annoyances that need understanding, indulgence too maybe, but not forgiving.

Forgiveness is better kept for more serious stuff. Just understand that some people do not grow up, and that we are better off staying clear of them and choosing our friends wisely.

We keep our commitments in a world where even a decent person can let us down and betray our trust. When a person does, forgiveness is the way to cleanse our own heart.

But forgiving someone does not necessarily mean that we should renew our commitment to him or her.

For parents, yes; we should always try to bring a child back. But forgivers don't have to be friends again or spouses again, not when trust is shattered and there is no reasonable expectation of putting a shattered relationship together again.

We need a sense of humor to cope with those who annoy us, the patience to wait for sick people to be healed, and the grace to forgive those who betray the trust of our commitment.

We also need the grace to renew our commitments when we can, and the wisdom to know when we should walk away.

Let's have a Coffee

Hari

Blessings...