It is estimated that at least 70 percent of the problems that plague marriages today are centered in communication. After all, as long as couples are still communicating, isn't there the possibility that they can resolve these problems? Let us explore these secrets.
Secrets of Effective Communication
Share Feelings
The first secret of effective communication is to share feelings. John Powell identifies five levels of communication."
STRANGERS LEVEL. The lowest level, level five, is the cliché level, "How are you?" I'm okay." We may term this superficial level, the strangers' level, for strangers talk that way. It is only ordinary chatter.
ACQUAINTANCE LEVEL. At level four, the couple shares facts about other people. For example, "The Smiths are getting a divorce." This may be called the acquaintance level, for people who are casually acquainted with each other may share information about other people, but they are not sharing any part of themselves.
Friends Level.
Let us call level three the friends level. Here the partners, like two good friends, are willing to discuss ideas. I think we ought to stay home tonight." They are willing to share values, ideas, and judgments. But this is primarily an academic exercise since their true feelings are still kept secret. Unfortunately, most couples reach no further than this stage.
True Lovers Level.
It is at the second level that true communication takes place. That is where spouses share their "gut" feelings and express emotions. "I feel like a doormat! You are gone, and I am left with this baby every night!" Here husband and wife share their inner selves-"angry," "depressed," "confused," "excited," or whatever it may be. We may term this the true lovers level, for it is only at such stage that love can flourish. At this level, it is notjust the facts that count; it is also the feelings that are important. It is not only a work of "the head"; it is also the work of "the heart." This is more than discussion; it is dialogue.
Super Lovers Level.
Level one is peak communication. It is experienced on those rare occasions of ultimate intimacy. Shall we call this the super lovers level? These are the unforgettable moments when we confide in each other our deepest thoughts and inmost feelings-heart to heart. Communicating our true feelings is not easy, and does not come naturally. It is a skill that needs to be learned with patience and perseverance. But we communicate meaningfully only when we take the risk of revealing our inner selves and sharing our real feelings.
Even Jesus, in His hour of crisis, felt that impelling urge to share His deepest feelings With someone He loved. Taking His three special friends aside, He cried, "My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me" (Matthew 26:38). If He felt the need to express His inmost feelings, surely we have that need to communicate ours. Feelings may be expressed in either of two modes: "You-statements" or "I-statements." A "You-statement is a statement of condemnation. It places blame for the feelings of one on the behavior of the other. "You're only making me mad!" "You're spending too much time with Janie!" Such expressions provoke anger, for they point the finger of accusation.
On the other hand, the "I- statement" is a statement of confession, for it expresses how I feel without saying explicitly who is the cause or Such feelings. For example, "I feel very angry over the amount of time being Spent with Charlie." "I-statements are a very effective mechanism for Communicating our feelings. Perceptively, the prodigal son planned his speech for resolving the family conflict with the use of an "I-statement. I will arise and go unto my father, and will say to him, Father, I have sin against heaven, and before thee, and am no more worthy to be called thy son" (Luke 15:18, 19, KJV).
Active Listening
Active The second secret of effective listening would seem that in the divine design, we are supposed to listen more than we speak, for while a person has one an tongue, he has two ears! Take note of this," says the apostle James, "Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry" James 1:19).
What is active listening? It is hearing more than the words that are spoken. It is perceiving the feelings that are hidden behind those words. As Peter Drucker said, "The most important thing in communication is to hear what isn't being said." The anatomy of communication indicates that when a message is expressed, only seven percent of its effectiveness is in the actual words, 38 percent of the message is communicated by the tone of the voice, and 55 percent by the body language!
This concept is vividly illustrated in an incident recorded in Luke 5. Peter and his partners had fished all night and caught nothing. Then in the full light of day, Jesus directed them to let down their nets, and a miracle occurred-a gigantic catch of fish. Peter was overwhelmed. Bowing at the Savior's feet, he declared, "Go away from me, Lord; I am a sinful man" (Luke 5:8). But did Peter really want Christ to depart from him? Of course not! While his verbal statement was, "Go away from me," his tonal message and his body language declared, "Please stay with me forever." And Christ listened actively. He didn't depart from him.
While it is vital to master the art of expressing feelings, it is equally important to perfect the science of active listening, for these are indispensable keys of effective communication, and communication is crucial to conflict resolution. These keys possess the potential for unlocking the mysteries of any marriage, opening the prisons of parenthood and releasing relationships at all levels of society.
THREE "A's." But communication is not only indispensable to persons working through the challenges of conflict; it is also invaluable to partners seeking the the experience of marriage enrichment. Let us look at three A's that need to be Communicated.
COMMUNICATE ACCEPTANCE. No one measures up to every spouse's expectations. All of us have areas of limitation and room for growth. However, it is a law of life that while growth is dwarfed in the sands of criticism, it is fostered when fertilized with acceptance. Too many spouses communicate criticism and even rejection, then wonder at the partner's negative growth rate. On the other hand, the communication of acceptance nurtures self-worth and creates an environment for positive growth.
In the film Johnny Lingo, Mahana is deemed to be almost worthless. While many a father in that culture is offered three or four cows for the hand of his daughter in marriage, Mahana's father would accept anything to get rid of her. Then to everyone's surprise, the handsome, wealthy Johnny Lingo offers eight cows for the hand of Mahana! This is the highest dowry in the history of the island! When Johnny and his wife returned to the island after their honeymoon, the villagers are dumbfounded. Mahana is the epitome of beauty, poise and charm. Then Johnny shares his secret: the size of the dowry affects the self- worth of the lady. When Mahana realized that she was the most prized woman in the eyes of the villagers and in the eyes of her husband, she rose to the heights of expectation.
COMMUNICATION ADMINISTRATION. Every human being has something worthy of admiration, and each spouse should consistently communicate appreciation of those that are admired. This process carries a double blessing. While the listener is benefited because his or her self-esteem is enhanced, the speaker is also blessed because he or she experiences an inner reinforcement of the worth and preciousness of the spouse.
In the beautiful biblical love song, Solomon takes great care to communicate his admiration for his Shunamite bride.
"How beautiful you are, my darling!
Oh, how beautiful! Your eyes behind your veil are doves...
Your lips are like a scarlet ribbon,...
Your two breasts are like two tawns,..
All beautiful you are, my darling; there is no flaw in you" (Song of Solomon 4:1,3, 5,7).
Then the Shunamite dreams that their marriage is in trouble and the maidens inquire:
"How is your beloved better than others?" (verse 9).
This question challenges her to do a fresh evaluation of her mate ana she breaks forth into her chorus or praise.
"My lover is radiant and ruddy, outstanding among ten thousand. His head is purest gold,..
His eyes are like doves by the water streams,..
His cheeks are like beds of spice yielding perfume. His lips are like lilies dripping with myrrh.
His mouth is sweetness itself; he is altogether lovely" (Song of Solomon 5:10-13, 16).
COMMUNICATION AFFECTION. usually before marriage there is no shortage of the expression of love, but atter the matrimony, there is a scarcity. Each spouse should make it a point of duty to express love to the other frequently.
When we examine that love song, the expression of love is profuse. As the husband declared, "How beautiful you are my darling! oh, how beautiful" (Song of Solomon 1:15) the wife replied, "Howhandsome you are, my lover! oh, how charming!" (verse 16). It is worthy of note that they call each other by terms of endearment. His favorite appellation is "My love," and hers is "My beloved" (Song of Solomon 1:9;2:10; 5:2, 16, NKJV). In the anatomy of both male and temale, there are special organs of ntimacy. But two of these that are widely overlooked are the tongue and the ear! These are powerful organs of bonding that help the two to be one-in flesh and in spirit.
Phenomenon
Not only is communication Crucial to the survival of the home; it also vital to the survival of the church. Nineteen centuries ago, the church experienced a communication of phenomenon. As the united body of believers waited and prayed for promised power, "suddenly a sound like the blowing of a violent wind came from heaven and filled the whole house where they were sitting. They saw what seemed to be tongues of fire that separated and came to rest on each of them. All of them were filled with the Holy Spirit and began to speak in other tongues as the Spirit enabled them" (Acts 2:2-4).
Swiftly the news spread through the city, and people came to see. These onlookers who had come to Jerusalem for the annual Feast of Pentecost were "God-fearing Jews from every nation under heaven" (Acts 2:5). When they assembled, they stood in wonder because "each one heard them speaking in his own language" (verse 6).
That first Pentecostal congregation did not speak in unknown tongues. They spoke in known languages. Those tongues were languages that were spoken, known, and understood by the various groups that constituted that international audience. The record says that the listeners were "utterly amazed" and asked each other, "How is it that each of us hears them in his own native language?... We hear them declaring the wonders of God in our own tongues!" (verses 7, 8, 11).
Why did God perform that linguistic miracle, empowering unlearned" disciples to speak in the languages of their day? His twofold purpose was to call attention to the dawning of a new era for His church-the age of the Spirit-and to facilitate the speedy and effective communication of the Gospel of Jesus Christ to all the peoples of the world.
Communication Crisis
About 25 years after Pentecost, the church at Corinth was in crisis. While Pentecost was a manifestation of known languages understood by the listeners, Corinth saw a demonstration of unknown tongues that were not understood by those who heard them. The Corinthian experience comes near the glossolalia (gift of tongues) of our day.
THE PROBLEM OF COMPREHENSION. The Church became, as Paul termed it, a congregation of foreigners. "If then I do not grasp the meaning of what someone is saying, l am a foreigner to the speaker, and he is a foreigner to me." Then, could the listener intelligently "say, 'Amen' to your thanksgiving, since he does not know what you are saying?" And what about the visitors? When "some unbelievers come in, will they not say that you are out of your mind?" (1 Corinthians 14:11, 16, 23).
THE PROBLEM OF CONFUSION. They sounded like instruments of an orchestra which had no harmony, giving no clear sound. They were just "speaking into the air" (1 Corinthians 14:9). So, the apostle addressed the issue in 1 Corinthians 12, 13, and 14. He stated three vital theological thoughts. One, in the hierarchy of spiritual gifts, tongues is the last (1 Corinthians 12:28). Two, all believers do not speak in tongues, because all do not have the same gift. By the use of rhetorical ques- tions, he showed that just as all are not apostles, and all do not work miracles, so all do not speak in tongues (verses 29,30). Three, it is the Holy Spirit who decides which believer gets which gift. He gives to one the message of wisdom; to another gifts of healing; to another prophecy; to another, speaking in the different kinds of tongues (verses 8-10). It is the same spirit who gives dif ferent gifts to different people "as he determines" (verse 11).
After expressing these theological thoughts, Paul gave practical directives. Three specific points are stated in 1 Corinthians 14:27, 28. First the maximum number of articipants speaking in tongues in any church Service should be at least three. "If anyone speaks in a tongue, two -or at the most three-should speak (verse 27). It should never be whole congregation. Second, these two or three should not talk together. They should only speak "one at a time" (verse 27). Third, someone must interpret" so that others can understand. Then the apostle declared, "If there is no interpreter, the speaker should keep quiet in the church. "(verse 28). He may speak privately "to himself and God" (verse 28) but he verse 28 should be silent in church.
1 Corinthians 13 is found in the center of this theological dialogue, for it is the very heart of the solution. The master key for resolving the Corinthian communication crisis is a spirit of love. Guiding the believers beyond their babbling, wrangling, and misunderstanding, Paul leads them toward the summit of a solution when he says, "And now I will show you the most excellent way" (1 Corinthians 12:31). Then he bursts forth into his immortal psalm of love.
He starts with the supremacy of love. Love is sweeter than the songs of angels, greater than the gift of prophecy, deeper than the mysteries of science, and stronger than the faith that moves mountains. It is richer than philanthropy, it is mightier than martyrdom.
Then he lists the attributes of love. "Love is patient, love is kind. it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self- Seeking, it is not easily angered, it Keeps no record of wrongs. Love does the truth. It always protects, always not delight in evil but rejoices witn trusts, always hopes, always perseverses" (1 Corinthians 13:4-7).
Finally, Paul underscores the permanence of love. Prophecies will be fulfilled, tongues will cease, knowledge will pass away, but "love never fails" (verse 8). Three great powers remain: "faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love" (verse 13).
Spirit of Love
This is the final secret of effective communication-a spirit of love. Such love will do miracles anywhere- in the community, in the church, but more so, in the home. This love will empower communication, resolve conflicts, and enrich relationships.
But where do we get such a spirit of love? As 1 Corinthians 12:31 indicates, it is a gift of the Spirit, the supreme gift. It is the "fruit of the Spirit" (Galatians 5:22), Since God is love (1 John 4:8), when we open our lives to Him and permit His Holy Spirit to come in, we receive His Spirit of love. If we pray for this love, we will accept it!
I love the picture Jesus painted in Matthew 18:19, 20. "If two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for it, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven. For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them." When I wasa child, the old church leader quoted that text to console himself and his congregation when church attendance was small. But these words are not limited to the church; they are equally applicable to the home. Isn't a husband and wife "two of you?" Isn't a parent and a child "two of you?"
If any "two" ask for this spirit of love, they will receive it. Then may our prayer be, "Dear God of love, please give us Your Spirit of love that we may learn to communicate love to each other in the way we talk and the way we listen. Then help us to share that love with others, in Jesus' name." Amen.
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