The Command to obey
Without obedience, the entire plan for the child's training is ineffective. Paul commanded children to obey their parents "in all things": for this is well pleasing unto the Lord" (Colossians 3:20). In Ephesians 6:1, Paul connects the fifth commandment of honoring father and mother to the imperative of children obeying their parents. A child learns obedience in the home and extends that attitude to relationships outside the home. God gave parents divine authority to compel obedience from their children.
Children should be taught that God holds the parents responsible for their obedience. If parents fail to teach their children to respect and obey them, the children will likely have little respect for God and His authority. Children who are not taught to respect and obey parents at an early age usually will not honor parents in their later years.
Obedience must be taught. Instruction in obedience requires discipline. Discipline is related to the word disciple which means learner. It refers to controlling, educating, and correcting. Parents are responsible for directing the activities of children-not only telling them what to do but seeing to it that they carry out the the instructions. Failure discipline children leads to delinquency which starts with falsehood and disobedience and progresses to petty stealing or other more serious crimes. Parents who permit their children to get by with disobedience, falsehood, or disrespect without disciplining them are doing harm to their children. A parent who loves his child so much that he cannot discipline him actually does not love him enough. Parental discipline is necessary if the home is to be preserved and the nation is to be given stability. Juvenile crimes and disrespect of law enforcement officers result from a breakdown in parental discipline.
The child's training program
Every parent must face his child's stubborn determination to have his own way. Sometimes the child will defy the order of the parent, other times, he will pretend to carry it out but not do it. Some parents become frustrated and give up trying to teach their children to obey. Others fail to realize the importance of it. Eli, who was the priest of Israel, "restrained not his sons, "and they were in turn a disgrace unto him and an abomination unto God. God's word warns: "He that so are they his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes" (Proverbs 13:24). Also, the writer of Proverbs warns that corrections should not be withheld from the child, for punishing him will not cause his death but will "deliver his soul from hell" (Proverbs 23:13-14). This proverb implies that the failure to correct will result in the loss of the son to hell.
Parents must set the boundaries of right conduct for their children. Every aspects of life must operate within limits. No one can do as he chooses. There must be rules and regulations. These give children who a knowledge of what is expected of them are insecure. They know certain actions are wrong, but they are they are not mature enough to discipline themselves in resisting the wrong. When they commit wrong, they expect punishment. They would prefer to be made to do right than to be punished. They are confused when they do not know what the boundaries are but are disciplined when an adult decides they done wrong.
In setting up rules, children should understand why they are necessary. No one likes to submit to a rule that is unreasonable, but children are much more willing to obey rules that are justifiable. It should be pointed out to them that when people have no limits they do not always do what is right. The Scripture clearly teaches that "all we like sheep have gone astray, we have turned every one to his own way, and the Lord hath laid know him the iniquity of us all"(Isaiah 53:6). Children should understand that adult as well as children are responsible to obey. Reasonable rules are essential.
Consistency is necessary in teaching obedience. Inconsistency occurs when a parent changes his mind or when correction of the child depends on his changing moods. If a child is allowed to break the rules and get by with it except on certain occasions, he is confused and does not learn discipline. Some parents only enforce the rules when they are emotionally disturbed, and they may at that time become extreme in the punishment.
Parents must agree concerning the orders and rules given. A countermand of one parent to an order given by the other damages both the relationship of the parents and the discipline of the child. When they disagree on matters of discipline, children learn quickly to pit one parent against the other in order to get what they desire. Parents must present a unified front to their children. If they give different commands to their children, it becomes impossible for either parent to control them.
Often the father's role is assured to be that of supporting his family. He may become absorbed in his work and be unconscious of his family responsibilities to help discipline the children. The father and the mother must work together in teaching children to obey.
Children must be guided and controlled by parents because children do not have the experience or maturity to know and do what is right. However, children also have wills and ideas of their own, and those ideas may conflict with their parents. Since the will of the parent must prevail in important issues, the parent should allow the child's will to prevail on incidental or nonessential issues. Some children are more strong-willed than others, and they are often potential leaders, but they experience conflict with parents because they do not like interference. Parents should attempt to channel their determination in the right direction by challenging them rather than threatening them.
What To Teach Children
To be thoughtful of others
The small child thinks only in terms of himself. He begins life completely dependent on others'doing things for him. His first words are "me""my".and "mine." His thoughtfulness, or concern for others, does not develop naturally. It must be learned. Part of the instruction in this area comes through the example of parents. When parents are considerate of their children, usually their children respond with consideration. Frequently parents must correct their children when they demonstrate selfishness while playing with others. It may be called to a child's attention when he is treated with inconsideration by another that he does not like that treatment nor do others like his actions when they are similar. Teaching a child to be thoughtful and considerate is not easy and requires persistence.
To be responsible
Developing responsibility should come with maturity. As the child grows older, he is expected to take tasks and do them well. A child has to learn responsibility. He begins life without responsibility, his parents do everything for him. He must learn to do things for himself and must experience a feeling of satisfaction and acceptance when he has done a job well children can help with household and garden chores. They should be required to pick up their toys, help keep their rooms orderly, and help with the preparation of meals and the washing of dishes. Children are easily motivated to help if they are not expected to perform at a level beyond their abilities.
To respect property rights
Young children often want toys of others. They do not know what belongs to them and what does not. The teaching of property rights should begin during the toy stage. Children must come to understand that they can play with others'toys with permission but not take them as their own. If a child is not taught to respect other people's property, likely he will begin later to steal small items from business places and eventually larger items.
Motivating Children
Children are taught to do right and avoid wrong through a system of rewards and punishment. A child who is denied a privilege because of disobedience will learn that there are consequences for his misdeeds.
Punishment is a negative form of guiding children and is essential. However, a parent should look for positive ways of motivating and guiding children. Positive motivation comes from complimenting them when they do well. To avoid punishment, some parents become too permissive. This practice is as dangerous as the other extreme of being overly strict and unreasonable. A certain amount of fear is necessary to motivate right actions, but all fear and no acceptance and self-esteem will leave the child unbalanced emotionally. Punishment that is unfair causes resentment and does not motivate a child to do right.
Often parents who have been criticized as children will in turn severely criticized their children. Criticism does not have much value in motivating a child to act because it does not offer a solution but destroys self-esteem. On the other hand, a child must understand when he has done wrong. Constructive criticism focuses on the child's careless performance rather than his character. Criticism before others embarrasses and may become injurious to self-respect. Without self-confidence and self-esteem, a child will be afraid to participate and try to do better.
Leading Children to Christ
Most children who are exposed to positive religious influence make decisions for Christ before they are thirteen years old. Parents should be prepared to help them understand what they need to do. Some children receive Christ as Savior as early as six years, but most are nine or ten. After they become old enough to know the difference between right and wrong, they begin to have an interest in being saved. Their concern likely will not focus on the great sins they have committed, but rather on what will happen to them if they die before receiving Christ. Usually children will ask questions to gain greater understanding of what they need to know. Parents should be prepared to guide them in understanding how to confess their sins and to invite Christ to save them.
The greatest contribution of a parent to a child is to teach him fear, respect, love, and submission to God who has revealed Himself in Christ. The Hebrew parents were instructed to teach their children the laws of God and to fear God: "And all thy children shall be taught of the Lord, and great shall be the peace of thy children. In righteousness shalt thou be established"(Isaiah 54:13-14, Deuteronomy 4:10, Proverbs 22:6). The future of a nation is threatened when parents neglect their divine commission to teach their children about God, and the hearts of many neglectful parents are broken when their children go astray.
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