Adjustments

On the wedding night, the groom should remember that his bride may have strong reservations about the sexual relationship. She may have received the impression from her mother that sex is to be endured and is a necessary evil of marriage. Or she may fear pain or experience anxiety as she enters into this new experience. Some of the problems are resolved if both husband and wife have received adequate marriage counseling before the ceremony.

It is unrealistic to expect two persons of such different emotional natures to achieve adjustments immediately. Sometimes the partners become defeated because they respect too much too soon. They should allow as much time as necessary to establish physical compatibility.

Since the woman responds more slowly, ample time should be allowed for the arousal period. Either husband or wife may indicate the desire for sexual relations, but the husband will need to learn techniques for preparing his wife. Romantic expressions may precede their retiring. The arousal period may begin with kisses and proceed with the husband's gentle caressing of the wife's sensitive areas.

These areas may vary to a degree with different women, but usually include the neck, ear lobes, nipples of the breasts, inner thighs, and external sexual organs, especially the clitoris. Sight of his wife preparing for bed is usually sufficient for the husband. She should communicate which actions are most pleasing to her and should indicate when she is ready for intercourse. With experience, each should be able to experience orgasm even though it may not be at the same time.

Proper sexual adjustments are dependent on adjustments in other areas as well. Joyce Landorf emphasizes the necessity of "showing affection in the kitchen." Romance and gentle love should be expressed at various times during the day. The wife must be assured that she is important to the husband in areas other than their physical relationship.

TIM and BEVERLY LaHaye, in The Act of Marriage, have suggested, five kinds of love that are important to the woman. She looks upon marriage as a perpetual companionship and craves her husband's attention and company when he arrives home from work. Oftentimes, the man is glad to get away from crowds and wants a period of solitude instead.

Couples learn how to be good companion before marriage but sometimes fail to cultivate that relationship after marriage. In addition, the women needs compassionate love. She is an expert in expressing compassion for her husband and children, when they have needs. She needs to recieve this kind of love also. Most women are more romantic than men. A man may fail to understand the need of his wife for romance. She appriciate unexpected gifts, such flowers and candy, and an occasional night out. Women also crave affectionate love expressed by kisses of appreciation and warm embraces. These areas of love are essential for satisfactory passionate love.

The first few months or years of a marriage are crucial in developing patterns. Poor patterns frequently develop because of the lack of biological and psychological knowledge. To achieve satisfactory adjustments, both have to be open to learning and diligent in making the relationship work.

Successful physical relationships require cooperation. If one partner's thought and interests are in another direction when the other thinks of passionate love, conflicts may arise. These emotional and psychic differences may delay adjustment in physical relationships. Uncertainty, awkwardness, and tension often occur in the relationship. After the couple has lived together for a few months or years, they learn what to expect and gradually build a.successful and happy relationship. If wrong attitudes or emotional problems exist, satisfactory relations may not be achieved apart from counseling.

For successful Adjustments each partner must learn to give support to the ego of the other. A negative attitude or critical remark can hinder the emotional relationship which interferes with the physical. On the other hand, expression of affection, assurance of love and appreciation, and communication between partners are essential elements to satisfactory adjustment. Fatigue, unpleasant, surroundings, or danger of interruption hinder relations.

Some couples are concerned about frequency of physical relations each week. There are no set rules about why is right or even customary. It is determined by the mutual desires of the couple. Frequency varies from less than once per week to four or five times. The majority of married couples engage in physical relations more often than twice per week. Physical health, kind of work, and emotional tensions will affect desire.

The couple will need to make adjustments in frequency. The wife may desire less frequency relations than the husband, but she may accomodate his needs. If agreement is not reached, much unpleasantness may develop in the marriage relationship. Marital difficulties may begin to arise on the part of the husband if his sexual desires are thwarted. Wive who are frustrated may have less frequent needs, but their frustration is equally demoralizing to a marriage.

The time of interest for husband and wife may vary. Since fatigue and emotional distress are distractive, the end of the day may not be the best time. On the other hand, one or the other may be a slow starter in the morning or not desire to be awakened during the night. Often the wife, who may have no specific periodic desire, may be capable of intense response even though she does not initiate the physical relationship. Probably no couple achieves perfect mutual agreement at all times, but if both are understanding, satisfactory adjustment can be achieved.

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