Emotions and partnerships have always been an unsolvable enigma to a large number of people, and one of the most widespread myths about male-female relationships is certainly that - opposites attract. While some believe that we choose a person who has qualities that we lack as a partner, others believe that we choose partners who are very similar to us.
Are kindred spirits or completely different characters more attracted to love? Can two people who have different views on almost everything have a functional relationship? That there is not too much truth in the phrase about the opposites that attract is proved by a new study and new conclusions that for happiness it is necessary to find someone who is like us. Although people of different personalities may be attracted at first, it turned out that opposites create great obstacles in longer relationships, and that similarity is actually an indicator of marital happiness or, in general, happiness in a relationship. The most lasting and best marriages are most often those in which the spouses are very similar. The greater the similarities, the more satisfied the partners were with their married life. There are very few, or no long-term relationships, with completely different personalities.
When it comes to seeking love, people stick to those from their “league,” more specifically, they want partners with whom they have similar views on things that matter; to be with them in the same or similar rank (status, appearance, intelligence). Scientists have called it a "connecting hypothesis". In friendships, especially in emotional relationships, it has been observed that people with similar personality traits get closer and socialize with each other much more often than with people who have different traits. We seek security from potential partners through the same qualities we possess, even though we say we want someone different.
,,Expiration date"
Attracting opposite characters is a romantic myth that as many as 87.5 percent of people believe. However, research shows that attraction is much more likely to occur between similar people. An American study processed hundreds of members of an online site for connecting couples, asking them if they are looking for a person who is similar to them, or who is different from them. More than 85 percent said they wanted to merge with someone diametrically opposed to them. However, when in the continuation of the research they were tested and asked to state more thoroughly the characteristics of those with whom they would like a relationship, it turned out that most of them are looking for a partner who is extremely similar to them in mental and social characteristics!
People like the romantic idea of attracting diversity, even though they do not apply it in real life, the authors of the study point out. We are always impressed by people who have what we don't have. Incompatible partners can have an interesting relationship, because they feel fulfilled in the company of a partner they admire, and they often choose partners based on what they lack and what they long for. But, in some key life values such as attitudes towards family, money, fidelity and raising children, it is very important that partners agree and want the same things in life.
Opposites are attracted, similarities remain together
Opposites can only be endured in the short term, and in superficial relationships. A successful, deep relationship involves far more than the challenge itself - touch points are also necessary, because that is what keeps us as a couple after the initial curiosity. In the initial stage, differences can be appealing, challenging and exciting. When we are with someone whose opinion is always different from ours, and when we are not sure how the partner will react, the level of surprise is higher. Mutual opposites in temperament, intriguing differences, characteristics unknown to us in another person can act stimulating and creative, and serve as a spark that will "ignite" the flame of passion. The reason is that we do not value ourselves, or we do not know enough, or we think that our gaps should be filled by someone different from us.
Conversely, the great similarity between two people at the start can sometimes prevent the emergence of romance due to the absence of a driving moment. Two who are mentally similar will establish a friendly or business relationship rather than an intimate one. With kindred spirits, saturation can often occur, because they are too compatible.
However, in the long run, differences often turn into obstacles. The differences at the beginning of the relationship satisfy the required complementarity, but over time they cause one partner to feel that the other does not understand him. With opposing characters who are strongly attracted in their diversity, it has been proven that quarrels become an inseparable part of the relationship - due to different attitudes, desires, ambitions ... Such relationships are usually short-lived and, as a rule, do not represent an emotional refuge. because people who are different in the end - collide.
Diversity is exhausting
Contrary to popular belief, partners do not become more alike as the years of marriage pass. If there are no common interests in a relationship, intimacy will be difficult to be born. Couples who got into disagreements from the first day because they are too different, and yet very attractive, are doomed to a turbulent and uncertain relationship. Differences are much more exciting than similarities - they act as a real refreshment when life falls into a rut and are a great challenge because they encourage work on yourself, giving a new perspective, but after a while it can still become tiring. Differences, from time to time, lead to a crossroads. If we do not know the mechanisms of attracting opposites and if neither of the partners changes in the meantime, these differences are prevented between people and lead to frustration and intolerance in the end.
When a relationship is made up of two total opposites, we must constantly be willing to compromise, which also means that we must give up our own values and accept new ones. And people who adapt too much to another person's lifestyle, eventually lose their sense of identity and eventually resent their partner. It is much easier to live with someone who understands us, than with a person who wants to change us. Although compromise is welcome in any relationship, partners quickly realize that they spend a lot of energy and time in discussions, explanations. Chemistry can unite two completely different people, but it alone is not enough to make things work. What attracts us and attracts our partner, what used to fascinate us, later costs us patience and nerves - dissatisfaction develops between partners, communication problems occur, the feeling that the relationship has no future or that there is a lack of love. It is quite logical that a quarrel will break out between people whose habits and beliefs differ significantly, than in relation to those whose characteristics are related.
There is a significant difference between a real person and a dreamer, a conformist and a non-conformist, an introvert and an extrovert. Calm, calm and frugal people, in fact, cannot succeed with lively, adventurous and wasteful partners. A withdrawn person can be attracted to someone who is dominant, but it is best to have two dominant people in the relationship. Although dominant people will sometimes clash, they will feel equal in the relationship and therefore, the relationship will be healthier. The more differences there are between partners, the more likely they are to have trouble keeping their relationship healthy.
The concept of "like rejoices like could extend beyond romantic relationships, to the relationship between parents and children, co-workers, in friendship," claims American professor Philip Rashton. Even in business, the kinship of souls plays a significant role. People who are close mentally and spiritually, work much faster and more accurately as a team, have more success, and are key in supporting each other in friendship.
Better chances for happiness
Kindred souls have a much greater chance for a true love relationship - couples who share views of the world. Similarity is the key to a lasting relationship, magical and the only true formula of love. It encourages the development of intimacy, and when we are close to someone, it means that we can connect with them without much effort. In the long run, you are looking for a person who can be your best friend at the same time and with whom you can get along without much effort. A relationship in which couples have at least a few factors in common: social environment, education, age, origin, profession, hobby, temperament ... they are usually harmonious, peaceful, without big quarrels and misunderstandings. Conflicts are much more frequent and worse in couples with different traits and habits than in those whose beliefs and habits are related.
The resemblance is more comfortable. With people who are compatible with us, we feel much safer because they will agree with us. We always know what to expect from them. People who think the same as us have a positive effect on our self-esteem, because in some way they prove that we are right. Psychologists advise opposite characters to accept each other with all the flaws, because no one changes their habits just like that under the influence of the other, since they are already built personalities. Two completely different people can only function at the very beginning of a relationship, when passion is at its peak. If such extremes really come together in marriage, in most cases there is a series of conflicts, and most often divorce.
In an emotional relationship or community, different people who are strongly attracted can be happy in the long run only if they are mature enough - to accept that the other party has different desires, aspirations, habits, biorhythm, and to use it wisely, in the best way.
Psychologists advise soul mates not to allow themselves to be preoccupied only with each other and their relationship. In absolutely close relationships, there is a tendency for the relationship to get into a rut and come to saturation, because similar characters are less creative, partners "read" each other like an "open book" and the initial uncertainty and dynamics are quickly lost. Relationships will help a lot if you challenge your partner to be more open and active.
Author: Vesna Bantic
Nice snd interesting article about relationship between partners.