House Without Doors

The other day I read a poem about living in a house without doors. I was immersed in the imagery; living in dark cold concrete, never feeling a fresh breeze nor ever sighting sunlight or moonlight, it’s like living from womb to grave. I imagined it just fine because I know the feeling so well; living in a house without doors. Because my life has been a cave and I am always fighting to breathe.

I suffocate when I sleep and my heartbeat lags reluctantly when I wake up.

The people that are meant to be my blood are clogged and congealed in my veins, and some days I need to purge and bleed them to live through a day.

My head is a cage for demons screaming and clawing my brain walls trying to break free, if I let them they would possess me.

Everyone says it's going to be alright... if I let go of my arms, if I drop my guns, if I sheath my sword, if I stop breathing fire and if I just fall back into the calm waters.

But how can I tell them I have war drums in my ears beating along with my heart and my nails are swords, my fingers guns, my lungs volcanoes?

How can I tell them it's not just a rebellious phase, this girl is just war.

This girl is born to fly against the wind, to swim against the current.

This girl simply doesn’t know how to conform, all she knows is rage.

The other day I woke up with a hurricane in my head, my body as restless as a million leaves in the eye of a storm. My mom told me to be still.

I am sorry that the storm descended on her, but how do I stop a hurricane?

My lover once told me to be calm, we were in a room and I scattered it with every limp I moved in my excitement.

He asked me if I know how to be a lady, if I know grace?

I didn't tell him I am a sea, not a lady.

But every breath I exhale hums No, No, No.

She doesn't know what a lady is, she doesn't know grace. She is a storm.

When I made love to him, I am sorry I blasted him to space. I am sorry I cannot take him to heaven. I am sorry I scattered his body into a million atoms - But he should have known, my lungs don't have a gravitational field and how do I even stop a sea from raging?

They make it feel like I am a walking disaster, they tiptoe around me trying to tame me while all I want to do is shake them awake from their slumber-like inertia.

The other night the demons in my head snapped their chains, I howled so loud that the silence of night trembled.

This is what happens when you put a whole universe in the body of a girl.

Hameedat Muhamma