If you were in a relationship, particularly a long term one, chances are you and your ex lived together or at least accumulated stuff together by staying at each other’s houses.
Now, what happens to all that stuff after your breakup?
You’ll probably want at least some of it back.
But there are definitely some dos and dont’s for that interaction.
Today, we’re going to talk about the correct way to get your stuff back from your ex.
Navigating the conversation and meetup of getting your stuff back can be tricky and a lot of variables can come into play here so let’s break it down into specific circumstances:
What should you do if you’re in the middle of a no contact rule?
First things first, what exactly is the no contact rule?
The no contact rule is when you’re ignoring your ex for let’s say 30 days on purpose with the intent of making them miss you and also cultivating your personal life in the process.
What do you do if it’s day 15 of the no contact rule and your ex hits you up asking you to get your stuff or asking for some of their stuff?
Well, if they do that, then your hand is essentially forced and you are allowed to break the no contact rule for one specific meeting. While you don’t decide when or how that meeting happens, you should have a very specific goal for it which well get to in a bit.
But let’s look at the other side of the coin first – what if you wanna see your ex and you want your stuff back?
According to my years of experience, you should ONLY reach out to your ex to get items back that are very valuable or important to you.
I say this because reaching out to your ex to get something like a car title or family heirloom back is NOT the same as trying to get a toothbrush back. The toothbrush excuse is just that – an excuse to see your ex before you’re ready.
Here’s a rule of thumb – if you can get it at a convenience store, don’t ask for it back.
Prematurely ending a no contact rule almost never ends well and you’d have to start all over again so do not try to meet up unless it’s absolutely necessary.
Let’s say you’re in one of the two situations – your ex forcing you to give their items back or when you need something really important – where you HAVE to meet your ex, how do you approach it?
What’s the overall goal for this exchange and how can we play this correctly?
The overall goal for such an exchange is to leave a lasting impression on your ex so he constantly thinks about you after the interaction.
This may seem straightforward but its really not, especially because such interactions can be pretty awkward at times.
To simplify this I’ve broken this goal down into three smaller goals;
Let’s dive in.
The External Goal
Your external goal is essentially something outside of yourself, disconnected with what you think of believe.
Think of this like the most superficial goal, and the manifestation of this in such an exchange is quite simple – look really really good.
I know it might sound shallow but looks DO matter. They don’t matter as much as you’d think but anything that gives you an air of confidence is a step in the right direction to being memorable.
The Internal Goal
The internal goal is the exact opposite of the external goal and is centered on what you’re thinking and what you’re going to be talking about.
This goal revolves around actually having something interesting to say to your ex so they get engaged in the conversation and remember you.
Generally, you have different types of conversations including small talk, sharing stories, sharing opinions, virgin ground, and sharing feelings.
Which of those work best for this item exchange?
You’re gonna want to focus on these three types of conversations: small talk, sharing stories, and sharing opinions. Out of these three, sharing stories can be the most impactful so I’d highly recommend having a super intriguing story ready to share with your ex.
Now when I say you should have a story ready I don’t mean having every single line planned out, I mean having a general idea of the story you want to tell. That way, you can organically weave the story into the conversation without sounding like a pre-rehearsed robot.
The best kind of story for this situation is one about how awesome your life has been without them. Bonus points if you’ve done a cool and exciting activity that they’d never expect from you.
The goal is to tell a story SO good, they can’t help but wonder and ask: What happens next?
I highly recommend going over your story a couple of times with a close friend so you have a generic idea of how you want to tell it to your ex.
I think I’ve made my thoughts on “philosophical goals” pretty clear.
The philosophical goal is about what you believe and embody. This circles back to something I talk about all the time – having an Ungettable mindset.
Having an Ungettable mindset is essentially striving to be the very best version of yourself that you can be and living every day in the never-ending pursuit of perfection.
Most people allow their breakup to break them so they never realize their full potentials.
That’s why I always teach people to look at their breakups as a growing opportunity. It’s your chance to work on yourself and become that Ungettable woman who your ex (and everyone else) wants but can’t have.
Now you can do this in a lot of ways but the main thing to remember is show, don’t tell. A great way to approach this is to find ways to live your life in a secure way.
You must own your insecurities and show your ex that you accept and love yourself the way you are.
This idea comes from a conversation I had with an amazing psychologist named Antia Boyd. We were talking about how people should interact when they have insecurities and her main conclusion was to own and embrace your insecurities.
When you come to terms with the fact that you’re not perfect (just like everyone else!), you will have such a stark mindset change, and trust me, your ex will notice. Your breakup was probably shrouded in all your insecurities and that’s what your ex remembers so seeing you in this new light will make them realize that you’re a changed woman.
They’ll even think about your newfound confidence after the meeting and that’s exactly what you want – them thinking about you even after the interaction. Now that you have a goal for the interaction, let’s talk about how long the whole exchange should be.
Well, generally speaking, I think it’s best to keep things short and sweet.
The shorter it is, the fewer chances of screwing up or having the conversation turn into a long drawn out lul of awkward silence.
In a perfect world, you’d meet your ex to exchange stuff, talk a little bit and plant the seeds of whatever he’s going to be thinking about later. That would lead him to text you and wonder what you’re up to.
But we don’t live in a perfect world and people almost always overstay their welcome in such situations. I mean, if you have all the conversation when you’re there, why would they think about you or want to talk to you again?
So the goal is to engage your ex in a great conversation and then end it on a high note, sort of like a cliff hanger at the end of the episode. That way your ex has something to think about.
You need to have a really good strong discipline and a really good strong gut feeling of knowing when to leave the conversation.
You’ve probably heard me talk about the “Zeigarnik effect” before but if not, here’s a quick refresher.
The Zeigarnik effect describes how people remember interrupted or incomplete tasks better than completed ones.
So essentially, you need to end a conversation before it hits its natural end to have the biggest impact possible on your ex. Otherwise, the conversation will fall into awkward long silences where neither party knows what to do or say.
As a general guideline, these interactions should only last between 30 to 45 minutes.
You should set this goal for yourself so you can get the full impact of the Zeigarnik effect while you meet your three external, internal, and philosophical goals.
While you should never unnecessarily put yourself in this situation, especially during the no contact rule, if you find yourself in one your goal should always be to say something that makes your ex think of you after the conversation has ended. This goal can be best achieved by looking good, having an engaging story to tell, and owning all your insecurities so your ex sees you as a confident new woman!