Love When You’re Ready, Not When You’re Lonely

I’ve been in love once, my first and only love. When I was with him my world felt better with him, at least for a portion of our relationship. Then I noticed the direction we were going in changed, his plans didn’t match mine, especially for how young we were. He started becoming controlling, or maybe I just finally realized he was controlling and as much as it hurt me I had to let go.

After the tears had slowed down I started finding myself going for guys I had no business going for.

I started looking for love because I didn’t want to be alone.

I would stay at my guy friend’s houses so that I didn’t have to sleep alone. I would look for and force connections that weren’t really there, and I’d spend so much time convincing myself I was happy, when I truly wasn’t.

I tried to tell my head and heart I didn’t miss my ex, I tried to tell myself things were better that way as I prayed no one would hear me crying in the shower because I wanted to be strong.

I wanted to seem together because I didn’t want months to go by and have people think I was weak, or pathetic, or tell me to move on.

But what I didn’t know then is you can’t mend a broken heart back together in a certain amount of time. You’re allowed to feel the pain and sadness for as long as you need.

You don’t have an expiration date; you don’t wake up one morning and suddenly forget the way he made you feel.

Learning to live without someone you started building your life around isn’t easy to get over. I didn’t know what to do with my feelings, I tried being so strong on the outside while feeling so weak on the inside. I was convinced breaking up with him was a mistake, but he moved on so quickly while I was still trying to find the shattered pieces of my heart.

Then the loneliness set in. Feeling alone makes you think irrational thoughts. You start falling in lust with every person you show interest in, or every person who shows interest in you.

There is no stability or signs of commitment, but there’s a fire burning and the flame is what’s keeping you warm now.

Lust is sloppy and it’s needy, you don’t have a real emotional connection, but you feel like you need them. You want to know what they’re doing and if they’re thinking of you, without their attention you feel like your world is falling apart because you crave the attention so much.