This morning, I was bored. Looking for a quick and easy way to amuse myself, I decided to see what I could find as far as concerns the stupid things people have typed into Google. (They should have used Presearch, but that's beside the point. ) Here's what I found (and which I've answered, with snarky remarks where have been able to):
Q: Do inflatable dolls count as passengers in the High Occupancy Vehicle (HOV) lane?
A: I'm just asking here. There’s got to be an entirely family-friendly reason people own these things, right?
Q: Which smells worse, dog, cat or human urine?
A: I work for a kennels and cattery, so can say with confidence that it's definitely cat urine. In the grand scheme of things, does it really matter?
Q: Where do lost socks go when they go missing?
A: Millions of socks go missing every year. Washing machines sacrifice them to the octopus god of launderette, who eats them with chopsticks.
Q: What kind of pigs eat people?
A: The omnivorous kind, obviously. The vegetarian ones taste noticeably different.
Q: Can cow saliva cure baldness?
A: I don't know, but I'd like to. I missed the myth busters episode on this one.
Q: What is a magical way to gain weight?
A: If I knew the answer to that, I'd weigh a lot more than I do. As far as I can tell, there’s definitely nothing magical about gaining it. I understand it takes something close to magic to lose it (and, perhaps more importantly, make sure it stays lost), however.
Q: What is the medical term for when all of your arteries and veins are totally clogged with fat?
A: I believe that’s called “dead.”
Q: What’s the best trick to train your dog to do?
A: Well, that one should be obvious: Find the TV remote, bien sûr.
Q: What would a chair look like if human knees bent the other way?
A: Goddamn disturbing, without a doubt!
Q: Do ginger-haired people have ginger pubes?
A: Probably. Why don't you conduct a survey of all the ginger-haired people you know (for Science, of course)?
Q: I am extremely terrified of Black people.
A: OK, so you're racist. Thanks for letting us know.
Q: I like to tape my thumbs to my hands and pretend I'm a dinosaur.
A: Wow; your Friday nights must be positively wild!
Q: Why is my girlfriend always mad at me?
A: It's probably because you're a gigantic douche canoe.
Q: Can Jesus microwave a burrito?
A: Thomas Aquinas wrote a paper on this. It's quite interesting (but not as interesting as figuring out if there's a rock he can't lift).
Q: Do midgets have night vision?
A: If by "midgets" you mean "cats", then the answer is "yes".
Q: What happens when a giraffe swallows a toy jet?
A: Bad things for the toy passengers, most likely.
Q: Why are wolves taking all our women?
A: It's quite simple, really. We Primals are irresistibly sexy beasts!
Q: Does anyone else think of Jesus as a mischievous badger?
A: Yes, often.
Q: I accidentally slept with my sister. What should I do?
A: Well, Billy-Bob Danny Frank, that's called incest and is illegal outside Alabama. I suggest the two of you move there pronto.
Q: Sometimes when I'm alone, I use Comic Sans. What should I do?
A: Kill yourself right now. No matter how terrible you feel, there is never any justification for using Comic Sans!
Q: How come all the other unicorns are dead?
A: They're not dead. They're in Hagrid's secret menagerie at Hogwarts.
Q: Are monkeys good people?
A: No, but dogs are. Monkeys are Metallica fans, though, so they're not all bad.
Q: Can I raise my IQ by eating gifted children?
A: No, that's illegal (either because it's cannibalism or statutory rape).
Q: How do girls master bat?
A: They join little leagues and train hard.
Q: I have lack toast and tolerant symptoms. What should I do?
A: Head down to the shops and buy some bread and/or a toaster, depending on which of those you lack. Maybe get some aunty buy O ticks while you're at it.
Q: I'm a prisoner in a toothpaste factory. Can you help?
A: Are you sure it's a toothpaste factory. Maybe you've been committed to a menthol institution.
Lead image: Photo by Vlada Karpovich from Pexels