Hello there, Gorgeous!
We’re your Fratlife friends. Those Fratlife friends. You know the ones. We're the new dominants who've recently done a trawl through K&P and are now collecting cyber subs like boxes of bright, shiny little buttons. We're the twenty-two year old "expert" rope artists and riggers who want to "teach" you our mad shibari and kinbaku skills. We're the alpha subs who are generating reasons for our superiority. We're your great new number one fan you've never met, the one who ends his comments with, “Call me sir or you’re not a true sub”. We're the barely-legal teen girl who appears to have stayed perpetually single (and the same age) since joining. We're the creepy lonely-hearts grandpa who ages backwards by a year every six months in order to not be too old for the twenty-something newbies he can "mold and teach".
We all have a lot to offer the online community where you hang out, and we’re most definitely thrilling friends to have. For instance, we’re unpredictable. Who else is going to tell the old-fashioned shibari coaches to f@@k off and die? Who else will post random pictures of dicks in their journals, ones that are taken from the same angle, some peeking out of jeans, others looking down from inside the grubby shower, wet feet in full view, most with a handy coke can for scale? Who else will post one-word-per-line poems (or short phrases where every line rhymes) as status updates? We don’t think there’s anything weird about reminding you every single day how great are our skills. Do you wish to tell us that they aren’t great? Did you see the K&P post that read, “Why I’ll never call myself a Dom on my profile page?” Hell, yeah!
We have a lot of f@@ks to give (and we really want to give them to you). We’re pretty much always getting whipped and tied up and we love it.
We’re always making the best porn videos, too. There was the sexy one of a vibrator and an orgasm. Or what about the poorly shot grainy one with the looks-far-too-young blondie giving a blowjob to a walking six pack? They're very powerful and very popular. The hundreds of views we got in twenty four hours confirmed as much.
Did we mention that we’re super into leather families now? We also bought a new dungeon that came fully outfitted with seven slaves chained to the wall. And we have a brand-new, gigantic, and startlingly sparkly butt plug. Here’s 30 photos of it. We particularly like the one where it's resting on the piano with the peppermint keys. It's very arty and very tasteful, our Kiwi friends told us.
We admit, we can be intimidating to all you novices and non-celebrities. Maybe MasterDaddySir69 isn’t secretly a rapey sex offender, after all. And, sure, he’s probably not managing to be super nice to his slaves because he has too many of them, but how can we know for sure? Also, it is utterly and totally outrageous, really, to argue that 50 Shades of Grey is destroying the consent culture of the community and giving people wrong ideas about BDSM (which really stands for Big D|ck; Suck Me, anyway)! Are you going to tell a newbie that you know more about BDSM than she does? That's pretty egotistical of you!
Okay, okay, we’re getting into a little too much ‘twu-ism’ here.
What we’re trying to convey is that we are more (so much more) than what we write on Hetlife, all with seemingly zero understanding of syntax and grammar, power exchange, CNC, or human decency. We really do have no idea of what hard limits are or why anyone needs them. We hate that hardcore sadism videos never make it to K&P anymore. (We hates that, Gollum!) We too want to go to the events in our own towns, but mainly so that the ‘might be going’ label on our profile makes us look super-involved in anything that isn’t entirely vanilla. Is that really so awful? We certainly don't think so. Really, those organisers sure can be super unfair with their whole deal of vetting attendees and insisting we behave responsibly, right?
So come on; throw us a bone here and meet us halfway! You never accepted our friend requests. You never loved the bawdy, hackneyed erotica we shared on our profile. And you never participated in ‘f@@k or pass’ games with us. It raised a lot of enthusiasm in our group and even made a few members horny (pun intended), for about half an hour. A cishet dudebro's got to get his spank bank material somehow, right?
Look, sorry. We don’t want to sound hard done by. We’re just a little annoyed because of all the sub-spamming we’ve been doing hasn't yielded the response rate we wanted. If anything, it has gone down to 2% from last week’s 5% and we can't figure out why. It's definitely not anything we're doing, we're certain, since we've done the Maths on this one. (I mean, there was some Calculus sh!t that looked really impressive, 'cause we're totally super smart; Dave's even got a photo of it in his gallery. We insist you go look at it.) We’d really like to see the daily message limit rise for Nice Guys like us who can’t hook play partners (because women only like bad boys, as we al know).
Why can’t we all just agree that, on Fartloaf, we’re equals? Are our masturbation videos from the toilet on this morning’s train trip really all that different from your intricate rope work photographs? We don't think so; you're just being a fussy, stuck-up b!tch.
Here's another thing: Is it really stupid of us to think that being a dominant partner means having a no-safeword relationship? Well, this is Fratlife, where everyone is entitled to their own kink, regardless of how poorly thought-out are their messages about good girls giving head. Surely the old loaf is big enough for all thirteen million of us — particularly cishet dudebros and those who resent SJWs and people who pick up drama like fleas on a donkey. Where can you go read about whatever an Innermind is and we can listen to a robot on steroids talk about steroids? K&P, that's where!
Where else are we going to go? Facebook? It’s all full of vanilla people who don’t like sex, and it moves too slowly and everyone’s always talking about (and photographing) their dinner with Aunty Hilda!
Let’s make a deal: If you agree to maybe cool it with the writing about your scene with two ethical sadists and your munch that turned into an orgy, we’ll try to be less jealous about every single thing that SlootKittyPrincess has ever written or will ever write. But no promises!
So thank you for all your time, and remember: Everything posted in that "Ask a Feminist B!tch a Question" group should be taken literally, The_Wolf is actually an ugly bastard who’s being hunted by the police, and if you don’t love my post and share it with seven friends, you will be ganged up on by the seven people with whom I'm in a house.
This post is a variation on the New Yorker piece An Open Letter from Your Facebook Friends (published 18 March 2015, accessed 16 December 2021)
Lead Image: Randomly generated "photo" of a person from This Person Does Not Exist