Wow; what a surreal and emotional day it has been. I started packing up and moving my earthly belongings this morning, seeing as I have to be out of my apartment by Thursday. (I can't afford to pay the rent, being unemployed and having maybe no more than $100 USD to my name, if that). I've got my bedding, my clothes and kitchenware left to move, most (maybe all) of which I'm going to transport tomorrow. The place looks very empty and sterile, like a hotel suite for a businessman who'll be in and out in no more than a few days (not that I've ever been able to afford one for that long). It makes me feel quite lonely and despondent.
Having a phenomenally delicious supper with my landlady and her boyfriend (my namesake) tonight was an unexpected plus. I haven't seen him in a while, but I'm glad when I do; I really like the guy. It's funny how one can grow attached to people of whom one doesn't see much or with whom one has little interaction. Then there's H, one of her other tenants. I don't think she approves of me (certainly doesn't have any romantic feelings for me, like I do for her), although she has always been kind and generous towards me despite having no compelling reason to. She leaves for Ireland a week after I'm gone. I'm certainly going to miss her. T's writing his last exams for the year this week. I wish him well, although I don't think he'll need it, being as bright as he is. He's really personable and likeable, a fine young man who'll go far and achieve great things. (I think he'll get my apartment next year if my landlady doesn't find another tenant by then.)
It's hard to believe that I've been here for four months; my brief stint of freedom seems to have flown by and has come to a crashing halt far too quickly. Now that I've had it, the next phase of my life is going to be extremely dark and trying by comparison, since it's back to the mad house for me, to live under a cloud. I'm really hoping to find a well-paying job soon, because the sooner I can again afford my own place, the better for my sanity. I really don't want to end up driven crazy and back in the loony bin again. If I stay with my parents for too long, that's definitely on the cards (particularly now that I've seen that it is possible to break free from them and their controlling, manipulative gaslighting and negativity that dominated and poisoned my life for so many years).
There are so many things that I wanted to be and do. What I am instead, is still a scared child in an adult's body, living in fear (not reality) and telling myself horror stories of how I'm going to fail, how it's inevitable. That's how I run my life, have done for years. It's the modus operandi to which I'm accustomed and with which I'm familiar.
I neglect to use the tools at my disposal that would make my life otherwise, even though I know well what they are. Such exercises are not ones I've practiced until they're habits.
I know I'm not supposed to feel self-pity nor wallow in it, but sometimes it's hard not to feel defeated or like a failure, to take personally the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. Sometimes, I need a little time out before the experience passes and I get back on the horse and carry on. I know that, like everything, this too shall pass and that everything shall be alright in the end. That it's not alright means it's not the end, but having that knowledge won't change how I feel, won't stop me feeling down and alone.
Lead image by Daria Shevtsova from/on Pexels