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Let me be true to myself all at once because I know no one's going to read this through and no one's going to be interested.
Have you ever lied to yourself? Like saying yes when you mean no?
So today, I decided to write an article with the things that I really wanted but decided not to say it out loud because either I am ashamed or I would have to sacrifice. This is the time that I will uncover somethings I have been feeling lately just to release the bad vibes.
Someone asked me this question that I have always been trying to ignore, "Are you and your partner already married?".
I have been ignoring this for a reason but if you may ask if I want to get married, of course YES!
Who wouldn't love to walk down the aisle wearing the gown you like while you know at the end of that aisle is the man you love most!
But then, my partner never mentioned anything about marriage and I believe in word:"calling".
I always believe that once he is ready he will mention it. Will actually he did but only that he would tell me he wanted a church wedding rather than civil but he never mentioned when will that be so I did not push my luck because I do not want to get hurt realizing that he may not be ready yet despite us having two kids.
Though the painful thought is he may not ready at all or he may be ready with a different bride I live it up to God.
I have been giving my mom ways to put up her own business and even money to start but it always ends up lost and getting back to zero. It saddened me because instead I could breath a little with all the responsibilities I couldn't. I would have to think for my 2 siblings for College even when I am not supposed to do so. I have already supported my 2nd brother and so far everything went well but the experience for me was traumatic.
But my mom seems to have forgotten her responsibility as a parent and just let me handle everything. I am tired of being tied up as a breadwinner and I want to focus for my child's future already. Don't get me wrong though, I love my siblings but not to the extent that I will sacrifice too much which may end up paying expensive tuition and got nothing left every payday. I do not want to live asking people for credit. Not anymore.
Before I didn't want to go somewhere far because I don't think I can survive but now that I am getting older I want to experience travelling, going abroad. I even wanted to migrate somewhere far. I wanted to start anew though it will never be easy of course but I want my children to grow up in a place where they will be molded well.
I feel sad because I do not know until when will I ever enjoy my life or maybe I'll die tied up with all the responsibilities I have. Most of the time I want to be selfish but my conscience and the love I have for my family won't let me.
I pray to God though to continue to protect and guide me whatever may happen.